Two Alabama rednecks, Bubba and Virgil, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said " Lookey thar up ahead, Virgil, it's a DAP roadblock !!! We're going to get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" " Don't worry, Bubba" Virgil said. " we'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, throw the bottle under the seat, and peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads" " What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?, said Virgil. Well they finished their beers, and threw the empty bottles under The seat and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the trooper Said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir" said Virgil. " We're on the patch".

10) Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

(9) Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

(8) Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

(7) Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."

(6) It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

(5) In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

(4) If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

(3) We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

(2) If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason Why E-mail is Like a penis.....

(1) If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.

I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead.

How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

Q: Why do men fart more than women?
A: Because women won't shut the fuck up long enough to build up the pressure.

Q: Why did cavemen drag their women around by the hair?
A: If you dragged them by the feet they filled with dirt.

Q: Why do men have dicks?
A: So they'd have at least one way to shut women up.

Q: Why don't women like to fish?
A: You have to shut the fuck up!

Q: What's the difference between a dick and a paycheck?
A: Women will blow paychecks without hesitation.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A bitch who won't do what she's told.

Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
A: SHE WAS A WOMAN.

Q: How can you tell you're fucking your woman too hard?
A: Stick your thumb up her butt and your middle finger up her pussy. If you can snap, you need to ease off a little.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.

Q: Why are hangovers better than women?
A: Hangovers go away.

Q: Why do some women have small bumps on their nipples?
A: It's braille for "place tongue here."

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her tits that a 25 year old woman doesn't?
A: Her navel.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anyone.

Q: How many men does it take to fix the vacuum cleaner?
A: Why the fuck should we fix it? We never use it!

Q: Why are women like screen doors?
A: You need to bang them a few times before they loosen up.

Q: How do you make your wife scream after sex for an hour?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.

Q: How do you make your wife scream twice?
A: Fuck her in the ass and THEN wipe your dick on the curtains.

Q: Why are women like parking spaces?
A: The best ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

Q: How are women like rocks?
A: The flat ones are the best to skip.

Q: Why do women have breasts?
A: So men will talk to them.

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A: You come in one and go in the other.

Q: How do you fuck an ugly woman?
A: Jerk off in your hand and throw it at her.

Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women nuts?
A: Money.

Q: What do you call a lesbian Playboy centerfold?
A: BITCH

Q: Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A: They both feel good, but you can't help but wonder who was there before you.

Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: What did King Kong say to Oprah Winfrey?
A: Is it in?

Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them.

Q: What do Kermit the Frog and Roseanne Barr's husband have in common?
A: They both fuck pigs.

Q: What do you call the worthless piece of skin around a vagina?
A: A woman.

Q: What is a period?
A: A bloody waste of fucking time.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to bitch at you, what did you do wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: Why don't women carry umbrellas to work?
A: Why would they need one from the bedroom to the kitchen?

Q: What do you call that little area between a woman's pussy and her asshole?
A: A chinrest.

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: Who gives a fuck? Why was she out of the kitchen?

Q: What's the smartest thing to ever come out of a woman's mouth?
A: Albert Einstein's dick.

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his Dad. "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked. "No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

"So, where y'all from?"

The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:

"So, where y'all from, bitch?"

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well -connected, and all that goes with it.

The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. A self-proclaimed die-hard Aggie. Go figure.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered could the redneck top that?!

The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

You might be a Redneck if...
You have a toilet in the middle of you floor with flowers growing out of it.
Your Ma hired another kid to play you in the movies.
You think the four main food groups are beer, Slim Jims, grits, and SPAM.
Graduating from the first grade was your biggest accomplishment in life.
You own a homemade belt buckle.
You own more than 3 plastic belt buckles.
You own 2 or more outhouses.
You only take a shower when you start smelling yourself.
You have to unzip your fly in order to count to 21.
Your horn sticks when you are following a group of Hells Angels on the freeway.
You have ever converted a school bus into anything. (i.e. RV, dog house, barn, car hauler, etc.)
You take off your make-up and discover you lost ten pounds.
You've ever drove you 4x4 through a muddy field, than parked it in town so everyone could see it.
You've ever stump jumped a mule.
You've ever been arrested for wearing knee high boots in a field full of sheep.
You've slipped your mother the tounge while kissing her good-night.
You have to get a hairdresser to shave your legs.
You name your twin boys Jack and Daniel.
You don't understand why Bo and Luke never tried to get it on with Daisy.
You think the vowels are E..I..E..I..O.
You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.
You think your mother's kiss is smoother then a baby's bottom.
The alcohol in the trunk of your car can also be used to fuel it.
You are the reighning champ at the local greased pig scramble.
Your teenager has ever been acused of spray-painting the stop sign.
Your most expensive wine is in a mayonnaise jar.
You fart to light your gas stove.
You join the boy scouts at age 45.
You look up to Forrest Gump for his brains.
You are constantly attacked by a rooster.
You use your empty beer bottle for a rain guage.
You think Christmas is a Jewish holiday.
You play your tooth brush like an air guitar.
You play basketball on the side of your corn crib.
You throw your date in the back of your pickup so that your dog wont get sick.
You got 40,000 miles on your emergency spare tire.
Your mamma can crush a can on her forehead.
Your dream is a double-wide.
Your goal in life is to have your picture on the side of bus.
Your customized chimney cap consists of a trash bag attached by duct tape.
You read these jokes.
School is not in your vocabulary.
Your neighbor is Jeff Foxworthy.
You think relative humidity is seeing your sister in a lace teddy.
You ever had to paint your dad's red healer to defined you mothers honer.
You ever smoked at a funerel.
You ever told you grandmother to go to hell.
You ever been too drunk and killed the cop sirens.
Your drill sergeant tells you that you're uglier than a dog's butt and dumber than catnip and it's
    TRUE!
You can bowl a 300 game in your neighbor's lane.
You come in second place in a loser's contest.
Your "bait fish" breaks your line.
It takes more than one person to start your car.
Your idea of foreplay is scratching each other's tick bites.
You go to the Taladega 500 for your honeymoon.
Your grandma's last request was to be buried in a ROLL TIDE sweatshirt.
The tire size on your pick-up truck is bigger than your waist size.
The only clean part on your truck is the confederate flag on the bumper.
Copenhagen snuff is on the weekly grocery list.
You hang tire chains from the ceiling to use for curtains.
You've ever recapped your space saver spare tire.
Your car has more than one roll of duct tape holding it together.
You have a mailbox mounted 20 ft. above ground for airmail.
You've ever went to a yard sale and brought back some of your old belongings.
You went to Branson, MO to see the Boxcar Willie show.
Your sister is also your mother.
You've entered the family car into a demolition derby and you won.
You're favorite music group is called Jimmy Slingshot and the Buck Grinders.
You've ever called a 900 number and asked for your sister.
You run into an old boyfriend while visiting your cousin or is it Uncle in jail.
You think watching yourself get stiches is entertainment.
You think frosted flakes cereal box should have a blood hound instead of a tiger.
You shoot chickens with a toothpick in your mouth and say the word bulls eye!
You keep track of all the sqirrels you shot in your back yard.
You're at a restaurant and you give the waiter your coin collection as a tip.
You lite fire works during Christmas time.
You get your new boots dirty and you sell the old boots that you never wore.
You're at a wedding and you make a toast to the guy who bought your smashed up truck.
You shoot a turkey the day before Thanksgiving.
You're in your 20s and you go to a Senior Citizens meeting because of all the free food.
You're at a family reunion and you play cards and chew tobacco.
You go to a ice cream shop and say I would like anything frozen.
Your Budweiser shirt is ripped and you smash beer bottles as a hobby.
Your jeans are dirty and your cooking pork on the grill.
You feed your dog hot sauce because it chewed up your boots.
You lite a fire in your back yard during the holidays.
You watch bull fighting because your mad at your wife.
You're eating dinner with relatives and you offer grandma beer.
You trash your own car and you offer the guy who fixed it a cup of coffee.
A bull jumps over the rail and all you grab is the ice box instead of your family.
Your pickup truck is older than your wife.
You're over 30 and your still giving other people wedgies.
You remember your best hunting dogs birthday and not your wifes.
Your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.
Your high school sweetheart is your sister.
You got druck off non-alcoholic beer.
Your favorite thing to do is pop a wad of sunflower seeds in and watch rasslin.
Your lawnmower gets more gas milage than your car.
You have two bald dogs and a wife that sheds.
Your mom has ever burnt out an electrical shaver.
You break the Flintstones jelly jar glass and your Ma screams, "We just can't have nice thangs!"
You have six trailers in your yard and only one license plate.
You tell people to beware of the weenie-dog.
You eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every day.
You ever held a Super Bowl party and had 3 TV's, none of them in working condition.
You ever made a coffin from large pecan trees.
You ended up using that coffin as a living room shelf.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Your favorite subject in school is farm math.
2 out of 3 of your kids are cross eyed.
You have a picnic table in your kitchen.
The smoke alarm calls your family to dinner.
Your band is called the general lees.
You've got 2 mobile homes and 4 cars that aren't.
You pee and drank beer at the same time.
You crap and talk on the phone at the same time.
Your dog has better table manners than you.
Your son/daughter have not taken a bath in 3 yrs.
Your idea of a weed-eater is a goat fenced up in the back yard.
Your idea of home improvement is getting a new trash can.
You know a man with a nose that is bigger than his head.
You're in the middle of a blink and lose intrest.