What Happened to the Webmaster?
07/04/2007
Hi, folks. It’s been a while since I’ve updated, and I’m
sure some of you are wondering what happened to me. Well, it’s kind of a long, confusing story, and
I pretty much have to start from the beginning… so grab a snack or cigarette or
something.
It all started in the spring
of 1999. I was a struggling 15-year-old
high school student, who became a huge fan of “The Wonder Years”, after
regularly seeing it on Nick at Nite. (I
never did watch it during its original run on ABC, oddly enough.) I decided that I would create a fan site
about the show in my spare time… so, armed with a marginal knowledge of HTML, I
did just that. And when I say “marginal,” I mean I didn’t even know the “image
source” codes. (People often ask me why I launched my site on the day of the Columbine
school shootings -- this is merely a coincidence.)
It was hard to get much done
at first… at that time, we had only one computer in the house, and I constantly
had to fight off my brother and sister who wanted to get on.
I’m sure that a lot of you
men out there who watched the show, had quite the
crush on Winnie! And I did too, though
you’ve probably already figured that out, from seeing her many, many pictures
on the site. ;-) Nothing creepy about
it, it’s just wishful thinking “that can only come from the hearts of the very
young.” (You fans will get that one.) That raised my self-esteem significantly
-- never before, and never again, would I feel that good in my entire life.
My mother eventually caught
on to my crush, and she thought it was “sick,” being the cynical asshole that
she was/is. She couldn’t just “let it
ride” -- she took every opportunity to remind me of how stupid I was. She acted as if she never had a crush on
someone famous… she can’t tell me that she didn’t have the hots
for some movie star, back in the day.
That’s the reason why this
site and the work I did on it, made my mother crazy… at times, she would
physically yank me away from the computer while I was hard at work, because she
REALLY didn’t want me to complete the action of “logging off.” It’s basically the same as laying in wait for
someone to log into a top-secret computer network… then snapping their neck,
and proceeding to steal information vital to national security. She would stop at NOTHING to keep me off the
computer, but she paid no attention to what my brother and sister did on there. Suffice it to say that I was the “black sheep”
of the family.
My mother is very confused,
and doesn’t seem to know what “sick” is.
A “celebrity crush” may be just a tad aberrant, but it’s a far cry from
truly sociopathic things such as serial murder, child
molestation, bestiality, and eating the flesh of the dead.
This site was pretty much
all I worked on throughout the summer of 1999, since I had no job and no
car. I slept during the day, and worked
far into the night building my site -- because everyone else would be asleep,
and I could work unhindered. But soon
enough, it was time to go back to school…
Never again would I have NEAR the amount of time I did, to work on this
site. Never again. Due to my mother’s heavy-handed reign, months
would pass, with me being unable to touch my site. And even when I did have time for, it I could
never do much. I also recorded many
episodes of “Wonder Years” during its run on Nick at Nite…
but eight years later, I’ve still had nary a chance to TOUCH the tapes.
Let me give you a little history
on my mother… she suffers from clinical depression, and regularly takes out her
angst on everyone else. She couldn’t
handle the fact that I was becoming my own person, and decided to strip me of
my individuality… so she dragged me to a head doctor years ago, so she could
pull a “diagnosis” out of her ass. It
had no scientific basis -- it was just an excuse for me to be marginalized by
everyone I came into contact with.
I’ll never forgive her for
entrusting my well-being to
She grew up during the time
when children were supposed to be “seen and not heard.” She decided to take that a step further,
however, by keeping me out of view as much as possible, until I turned 18. Dances, parties, special events and trips,
even the freakin’ prom, were not allowed. I would argue with her for DAYS leading up to
a particular event, but she remained resolute.
(I’m surprised I wasn’t
home-schooled, given her desire to stymie my development.) That’s why I’m socially maladjusted, and have
only been on ONE date in my life thus far (which
I regret). If I were to become
romantically interested in somebody, I have NO F***ING IDEA what I should do
about it -- pretty much all I can do is stare in frustration, because she
raised me to be unable to form relationships with human beings. Thanks to her, many important opportunities
were MISSED. There was someone I wanted
to meet years ago, but she kept it from happening. Now, there’s an impassable emotional barrier
between me and this person… and I’ll never forgive my mother for that.
No matter what I try to do,
she’s always around to wreck it. If the
day ever comes when I should get married, I wouldn’t put it past her to disrupt
(or halt) the ceremony.
And did I mention that she
favors my sister? I didn’t get a car
until I was almost 19 years old, but she got one the MOMENT she turned 16. How’s that for fairness and impartiality?
As for my father… he was
good to me, but as hard as he tried, he couldn’t be effective, because he
was/is ruled over by my mother. He was
not allowed to make ANY decision, without first clearing it with her. He’s done his fair share of guilt-tripping me
out of my plans, though: for example, when I got called up for jury duty, I was
actually EXCITED about it! But he called
the courthouse and lied to them, telling them that I took medicine, and was
therefore ineligible to serve on a jury.
She has a long history of
making unrealistic demands of me: when I
was a minor, she DEMANDED that I “stop acting like a child” -- she said that I
was to immediately and permanently “put away childish things.” (I didn’t.)
But when I reached age 18, and started to make my own adult decisions,
she DEMANDED that I “stop acting like an adult,” and continue to follow her
orders. So now I’m hopelessly stuck in a
dimension between childhood and adulthood; and it’s likely to remain that way
until she dies, at which point I’ll be free to do what I want. It’s going to be a sad day when she kicks
off, though… because all I’ll have are all her excuses for everything. She never explained anything to me, and
expected me to figure out EVERYTHING on my own.
Long after I had reached age
18, she once threatened to call the police and have me
arrested if I went out… to CHURCH.
That’s about as much of a testament I can give to her character.
She’s very disrespectful to
boot -- she demands that my father IMMEDIATELY “get over” the loss of his
parents (whom he lost less than two years ago)… but she seems to forget that
she’s been mourning the loss of her twin sister for the past 48+ years. (This
twin lived only a few hours.)
Each one of us has only one
life. My mother ruined mine. There’s a lot more about her that I could
delve into, but this is hardly the time or place.
Anyways… my two projected
career paths, graphic arts and computer science, were completely OBLITERATED
before I had the chance to begin either one:
(1) my mother threw out most of my pen-and-ink masterworks, which could
have earned me thousands of dollars in royalties; and (2) the public school
system disallowed me to take the relevant computer courses (refusing to tell me
why)… I could have earned college credit, and became a Cisco Certified
Networking Assistant.
In my opinion, anyone who
willfully and knowingly takes action to shatter the dreams of their children, has confirmed their reservation in Hell.
After high school, I entered
college -- where I would get off to a false start, making an F during my
first-ever semester, due to discrimination by the instructor. I made history at the local community college
-- no student there had EVER failed their public speaking class! But of course, I had to be the first. I was placed on academic probation, and
became unable to change my major. (I’m
still unable to do so.)
I kept going, however, but
during my third and final semester, I made the mistakes of taking a federal
job, and engaging in an online relationship.
I asked the boss to cut my hours because I was attending college
full-time, but he WOULD NOT. While I may
have earned over $13.00 an hour, that didn’t save me from getting kicked out of
college. Due to the all-consuming nature
of the job, I made an F and three D’s in my third semester, which caused the
loss of my “poor man’s scholarship.”
Six months after I started
the job, I got fired -- for an emergency surgery that required me to miss work,
as well as for being white. (Due to quotas and affirmative action,
straight white males can no longer make it in this world.)
Having lost it all, I was
forced to take a job sacking groceries (which I still have today.) Soon after I took the job, the girl I had
been seeing decided to break it off with me -- which makes her a gold-digger,
because everything was fine as long as I had my federal job. But it’s just as well -- I soon realized that
she wasn’t the type of person I wanted to spend the next 40 years with, anyway.
I would do nothing but work,
work, work for the rest of that time… bagging groceries day in and day out, not
making much money at all. One of my
so-called “fellow employees” would accuse me of stalking… When that happened, I
began to hate my job even more.
I subsequently lost my
grandfather in October 2005 (three days
after my 22nd birthday), and lost my grandmother in September
2006 (16 days before my 23rd
birthday.) That loss devastated me
beyond belief -- I was far closer to them, than I could ever be to my natural
parents. I could talk to them about
anything and everything, and they wouldn’t judge me. We also did a lot together, such as thrift
store shopping (more fun that you might think);
eating out together and sharing hours of happy conversation; and visiting their
friends to chat for a while.
We all knew what was coming…
and we spent as much time with them as we possibly could. I still miss them terribly… we had a special
bond which I could never have with anyone else.
They were my only blood relatives who still believed in me even after I
had lost it all, and I credit them -- and ONLY them -- for making me the person
I am today.
Since I had spent the past
several years of my life taking care of everyone else, I decided it was time to
take care of myself. So I re-entered
college in January 2007 -- though I had to pay for it all, and could only
afford 6 hours. I fared better this time
around -- I made C’s in both subjects, bringing my GPA up to 1.41. Unfortunately, I’ve got at least 84 more
semester hours to go, and I’m facing an expenditure of at least $20,000 to
finish those courses. (I’m still undecided on a major.)
I’ve reached the point where
I no longer care much about what happens -- all I really want is to move out,
and become MY OWN MAN. But that will
cost at least $70,000. Not good. I don’t have a hope in hell of getting a
place of my own, unless I win some lawsuits against the entities that oppressed
me. (I wish it was just as simple as
“moving on with my life”, but there’s hardly anywhere I can go.)
That’s pretty much the story
of my life thus far… I might not have
much time to work on this site, but I promise to continue updating. Thank you all for your time, and I hope
you’ll come back often.
Jason D. Lovelady, Webmaster
07/04/2007
