Dirk Diggler defeated Soul (with Godfather)
White Storm defeated White Thunder to win the World Wide Wrestling United States Heavyweight Championship
The Aristocrats (Maxim and Primus) defeated Phantom and Shadow to retain the World Wide Wrestling World Tag-Team Championships (kind of...)
Axis defeated Executioner
Thorn defeated Black Magic to win the World Wide Wrestling World Heavyweight Championship (again).
Dirk Diggler©™ is a registered trademark of Universal Studios. Copyright 1997.
This match got the entire event off to a hot start (pun clearly intended) as Jackal assaulted Whirlwind during his entrance, preventing 'Turn! Turn! Turn!' by the Byrds to reach the chorus- a big disappointment to the fans who paid good, hard-earned money just to hear the hottest entrance theme in wrestling history. Anyway, Jackal botched a sloppy Powerbomb in the grass on the near-naked Whirlwind before taking him onto the trampoline and hitting a textbook Powerbomb that made Whirlwind bounce right back onto his bare feet and into a Chokeslam! The Chokeslam was so viscious (on the trampoline, mind you) that Jackal's chains fell off. Jackal then bounced up and down for a few seconds before hitting a rare Moonsault. Oddly, the backflip was quite well done- it's a wonder that Jackal chooses only to do that move on the trampoline- he should really try it off the ledge, er- top rope. Anyway, the high-flyer in Whirlwind then walked off camera while Jackal posed and cut a promo in which he just quoted lines from his entrance theme. When Whirlwind came back on camera, you could hear someone whispering, "Robert, we have to hurry up- my neighbors are watching". At this point it was getting dark and you could barely see, but it appeared that Whirlwind hit his signature move, the Whirlwind, off the trampoline to Jackal (who had already left the tramp' to catch his wind) while holding the flaming stick! The commentator whispered in shock and awe as Whirlwind went to pick up the arm for the KO, only to have Jackal no-sell the flaming stick and hit the Crimson Shadow for the KO and the win.
The show went indoors, to the World Wide Wrestling Arena, for the second match of the evening, where the remainder of the show took place. As Scott Summers and Tony Stark admired the 'Helloween' set (a pumpkin sitting awkwardly on a stool in the corner of the "ring"), 'Paradise City' by Guns 'N' Roses hit- which could mean only one thing. Soul (who appeared to be challenging Whirlwind to see who could be the most naked wrestler on the roster) walked up the stairs as the commentators did their best to run his name into the ground and put themselves over. Soul then cut a promo which was difficult to hear due to the fact that the commentators were laughing and talking throughout it- plus Soul has braces. Anyhow, Soul's promo led to the introduction of Godfather, who came out and said that he was again the owner of World Wide Wrestling as he had gained possession of it through a "legal loop-hole". Boy, WWW really needs to get some new attorneys. If nothing else, the ones that are currently being used appear to be really, really bad at drafting up contracts and other such legal documents. This is like the fifth or sixth time that someone has usurped the role of owner by finding a "contractual loop-hole". Anyway, as Tony Stark remarked about the originality of Godfather's name, another very creative character made his way up the steps to Val Venis' music- Dirk Diggler©™. Dirk©™ had trouble keeping a straight face as he took off his towel and yelled some obscenity about a person of color and his genitals. Soul then proceeded to lay down in the middle of the "ring", and Dirk©™ picked his arm up for the KO- revealing a swerve that no one would have seen coming had the commentators not already hinted very obviously that it was going to happen. The nWo music then hit and Soul and Diggler©™ beat Godfather down with phantom sock-stomps until the camera cut to the third match.
As the third match began and White Storm began his very slow and dramatic entrance up the stairs, the commentator explained that, going into 'Helloween', the very fat and untalented Crossbones had been the United States Champion, but had been unable to make the show because he had moved to Vermont (where gay marriage is legal) to wed his fat, gay lover- thus forfeiting the U.S. Title. The commentator then went on to explain that White Storm, formerly White Lightning, had gone into seclusion to learn the ancient art of "Karate"- hence the sunglasses. Anyhow, he and his opponent (who clearly was NOT created just for the sole purpose of being a foil to White Lightning) were to meet to determine the new United States Champion- and they did. White Storm started on offense by showing off some of his newly-learned kicks after the charasmatic White Thunder made his entrance. The match pretty much went on like that for about ten minutes- you know, kicks and other "Karate" moves. White Storm is clearly well-trained in the field of "Karate", and he really showed it off... over and over again. The only bad part about the match was that White Thunder appeared to be a little out of place without a mattress to fall onto, but the "ring"-savvy White Storm did his best to make up for it. As the match / jobber beating drew to a close, none other than former nWo member Hurricane hit the "ring" and hit his finisher (also named the Hurricane) on White Thunder. The mysterious man in pajama pants, White Storm, soon followed up with a Powerbomb for the KO. Before the camera cut away for the fourth match, Hurricane grabbed the microphone (so as to be heard over the fans) and revealed that he was no longer Hurricane! From here on out he is to be known as White Hurricane (which is ironic, of course- considering he is the only black person in all WWW history). He and White Storm stood in silent sunglasses / goggles contact as the camera cut away. What a swerve!
I say "kind of" because, to start this match off, Maxim came out and announced that Project would be unable to compete at 'Helloween' because he had "other plans"- at which time he held his thumb and index finger up to his mouth to emulate someone smoking a joint. Really? A pay-per-view event is going to be broadcast all across the globe and Project chose to smoke one marajuana cigarette rather than participate in it? That is incredibly irresponsible, especially considering that professional wrestling is the only industry that would allow him to continue to perform in front of a world-wide audience under the influence- not to mention the only industry that he would even have a chance at succeeding in, given his life-style and the fact that he is a drug-using high school drop-out. Whatever the case, though, Maxim announced that rather than Project, Primus was his new tag-team partner and that they were the new World Tag-Team Champions. Seriously, though, could Project not have just smoked right before he went out to perform and then kept another joint in his pocket to smoke immediately afterwards? Did he have to have that one joint so badly right then? Anyway, the experienced team of Phantom and Shadow, who Tony Stark said he had seen in "other promotions" (quite vague, indeed), then made their way out to the "ring". As Phantom (at least I think it was Phantom) blew smoke out of his ski mask, Tony Stark remarked about the monstrous stature of Shadow. Just to think, there is actually someone in WWW (or professional wrestling for that matter) larger than Thorn! It became quite clear who the leader of each team was early on in the match. Phantom took to hitting the skies with his high-flying skills as Shadow posed as his bodyguard, while Maxim led his team by making fun of Primus with Tony Stark behind the camera. Of course, the ring-savvy veterans in Phantom and Shadow took advantage of this and just beat the crap out of Primus to the seeming delight of Tony Stark and Maxim until the pivotal turning point in the match when Primus was able to blow bong water mist into the eyes of Phantom. It went to prove what Tony Stark had been saying for the preceeding ten minutes- Primus blows. This led to the luke-warm tag at which point Maxim finally came in and Powerbombed the massive Shadow for the win. Though Phantom and Shadow weren't able to overcome the one-sided booking of World Wide Wrestling, they did show potential. Between the sheer size of Shadow and the uncanny fitness of Phantom (which I don't see him losing anytime soon), these two are sure to be seen in World Wide Wrestling again. I mean, surely they wouldn't appear just once and never be seen again...
The fifth match and first main event began confusingly as it appeared that the camera had been turned on, then restarted- but we know that surely that could not have happened seeing as how 'Hell-O-Ween' was a live pay-per-view event. Maybe it was a cool effect used for the redebuting Axis' entrance. Speaking of which, Axis came out first to the surprise (and disappointment) of the fans who were expecting to see Doug Mitey when they heard 'Sad But True' by Metallica. Either way, Executioner then made his way up the stairs and, upon entering the "ring", told Axis that the was going to end the problems between the two of them once and for all. This promo would have caused a great deal more of confusion, seeing as how Axis hadn't been on WWW TV for the four years leading up to 'Hell-O-Ween' and Executioner provided no explanation as to what "problems" they had, but the fans were too busy watching Executioner pull the pantyhose into place on his face to pay attention. Regardless, the match went back and forth until Executioner was able to hit a move he called "The Gallows" (literally- right there in the "ring"... he told the fans the name of the move). To follow up, he picked Axis back up and did an identical looking move, but not before saying, "oh no, no, no- this is The Gallows". He then looked angry and hit Axis really hard before picking him back up and blowing the move a third time. At that point, the nWo music hit and Soul and Assassin hit the "ring". Assassin nailed an incredibly loud Headshot that the camera just missed, which led to Axis executing the Jackhammer (which he called the "Axis") for the KO. Oddly, during the entire finish sequence, Tony Stark didn't say anything! The camera just rolled as the nWo music played until, conveniently, Assassin went off-screen. This just added to the series of questions created by the match, such as "why was Dirk Diggler©™ absent from the run-in when he had just joined the nWo less than an hour ago"? Either way, the swerve came off well and it is clear that the nWo has a new member in Axis.
The charismatic yet mysterious Thorn entered first, much to the praise of Tony Stark, who called him the greatest wrestler in World Wide Wrestling history for no apparent reason. After a few "Hoooahs" for the "fans", Thorn announced that The Mangler, the scheduled third opponent for the big main event, was actually a fat homosexual and was too busy prowling gay bars to be in attendance; a claim that made Tony Stark (and an even more pubescent voice) laugh hysterically from behind the camera. After "outing" the Mangler, Thorn vowed to bring honor back to the title by winning the big World Title tournament that had come about after Creation vacated the title for an unprecedented fourth time (Note: footage of the previous tournament qualifying matches does not exist at this time). J.D., I mean, Black Magic, entered next (complete with beanie) and began doing some sort of strange duck walk across the ring, to which Tony Stark, fighting back laughter, remarked "and now, here comes the jobber". Oddly, Thorn immediately had to turn away from the camera and run off screen, while Black Magic looked deeply hurt by the comment. From below the stairs some sort of voice, barely audible over Black Magic’s cool new entrance music, was quickly silenced as Thorn ran downstairs and then quickly back up, looking flustered. The match then started with Thorn hitting some sort of awesome DDT / Suplex combo and then choking Black Magic in the corner. At this point, Assassin appeared from behind the camera, holding a small bag of pizza flavored Goldfish snacks, and gave Thorn a huge Headshot that made a tremendous amount of noise (and thus, contact... one would assume). Assassin announced (in a high-pitched, Minnesota accent) that he was the special guest referee and the leader of the nWo once again. Black Magic went for a pin but Assassin refused to count. Some other stuff happened (sans commentary) and then Thorn set Black Magic up for a Powerbomb through an ironing board that Assassin had set up for him. Black Magic slithered down Thorn’s body, but still managed to get an arm down, and was placed on the ironing board before it finally gave way due to Black Magic’s extreme size. Out of nowhere Tony Stark began marking out from behind the camera, as this was clearly the most dangerous stunt in WWW history and the first attempt at commentary in several minutes. Bruce Banner suddenly joined in, as did an anonymous third voice, who tried to sound excited. At this point, more angry, feminine yelling could be heard from beneath the WWW arena, as Thorn stormed towards the camera, which began shaking. When the camera... stopped shaking, Thorn went for the pin but again Assassin refused to count, leading to a tense face-off between the two former friends. Black Magic stood up, only to receive an awesome looking double-Head Shot out of nowhere from Thorn and Assassin! It was all a swerve! Soul interfered on behalf of the nWo, but for some reason was also attacked by the two much larger men and, as Thorn gave Black Magic and Soul two Crowns Of Thorn at the same time, Assassin announced that the real nWo (Thorn and Assassin) was back. Black Magic attempted to make a comeback with a Dark Ritual on Assassin, but Assassin didn’t fall with it, instead opting to stand up awkwardly and shake his head. Thorn then hit Black Magic with several more Powerbombs as Assassin laughed and watched. Why would Assassin give Thorn a Headshot and refuse to count his pins if they were secretly partners? Soul got jumped out of the nWo, but what about Dirk Diggler©™ and Axis? Are they still members? The show ended with Thorn being presented the new WWW World Heavyweight Championship belt by Assassin and the two cutting another promo in which they announced that Thorn had won the match, despite a non-existent pin. The nWo's music played.
