The headlines “Back In Black” and “Back In The Saddle” were also considered for this article but they both seemed so played-out. In true World Wide Wrestling fashion, we wanted to think outside the box, hence “He’s Baaa-aaack!”

By now, no doubt, you know what we’re talking about. With these shocking and completely original words, someone made quite the splash on last night’s edition of Monday Night Madness:

“Well, well, well. You people know who I am but you don't know why I'm here. I’ve played with little boys long enough. It’s time I moved over to the playground where the big boys play! And I'm not coming alone. I'm, bringing... my friend!”

And boy, he didn't waste any time! Right there, on the spot, former two-time WWW Heavyweight Champion Thorn spun around and gave the audience a piece of his keister! It seemed like his friend may have been slamming Shastas beforehand because he... ahem, "burped" at least a few times.

But that wasn’t all! Later in the evening, the Thorner repelled from the rafters and repelled viewers. After taking a minute-and-a-half to undo his harness, he attacked none other than fellow former nWo leader Executioner during his match with Butcher. It looked like “Ol’ Thorny Toad” and WWW’s resident “Meat Man” had pulled a fast one on the “Crowd Killer” himself as they celebrated together. That was until Executioner came up behind Butcher and executed a move of his own, revealing a double-swerve of proportions only rivaled by the daily calorie intake of a certain unnamed former Champion now behind the commentary desk of the competition. Executioner proceeded to announce that his new move is called the Gallows and that his alliance with Thorn is to be known as Gallows Humor! Attempting to finish the thought, Thorn trampled over him on the mic. by asserting they were known as The Outsiders, despite the fact that both men are homegrown stars! He went on to claim he was “still Champion,” despite the fact that he hasn’t held the WWW Heavyweight Championship in over a decade! One can only speculate as to the meanings of such a cryptic messages.

In any event, these astonishing developments have the backyard wrestling scene abuzz. Only time will tell what the return of Thorn will mean to World Wide Wrestling!

World Wide Wrestling has come to terms on Thorn’s contractual release, citing “extraordinarily unprofessional behavior,” among other issues.

“There’s just no place for… someone like him,” clucked WWW Talent Relations Executive Submission Hold Chicken, “in the current backyard wrestling landscape. For him, it’s still 1999 and this is a Good Ol’ Boys Club. He doesn’t understand why we actually plan things in advance, nor can he be trusted to stay on script. Making money doesn’t mean anything to a guy who's used to being paid in Go-Gurt.”

World Wide Wrestling wishes Thorn the best in his future endeavors.

WWW viewer Angie Fabian was live in attendance for this week’s Monday Night Mayhem broadcast and provided the following notes:

Independent backyard wrestler Highway received a tryout match against Primus before the show went live. Highway garnered little to no reaction and entered to ‘My Way or the Highway’ by Limp Bizkit. He seemed out of place and had poor chemistry with Primus, who looked very sloppy. Primus went over with some weird humping DDT called the Starburster. WWW Agent T-Rex could be seen chastising them as they went back down the stairs.

Nova vs. Ash for the #1 Contendership was easily match of the night. Nova continues to be the most consistent performer on the roster and Ash excels when played against more serious competitors like Nova.

After the broadcast, Butcher quickly rose to his feet, no-selling the Gallows, flailing fists and kicks at both Thorn and Executioner. Executioner responded by forcefully Powerbombing Butcher onto his arm, seemingly against his will. Thorn then executed a number of very spiteful-looking, uh – I’m not sure how to pluralize this – Crowns Of Thorns. Butcher attempted to resist but was eventually subdued beneath the mass of the much larger duo and verbal harassment from Assassin, who had wandered out from backstage with a box of Cheez-Its, despite having not been on TV in months.

Overall, the show was good but the absences of Outlaw, Assassin, and Plague brought it down quite a bit.

Biggest Pops:

1.) Nova
2.) Assassin and the box of Cheez-its
3.) Greer Mulligan
4.) White Lightning (Ironic pop)
5.) Loc Panther's ledge dive

Most Heat:

1.) Thorn (“Go away” heat)
2.) Evan Idle, Robert The Cruel, and Roland Right
3.) Loc Panther and Def Jam Pimp
4.) Kenny Nelson
5.) Vern

In accordance with its Talent Wellness Policy, World Wide Wrestling has suspended Patrick for 30 days due to his second violation. Management was tipped-off that Patrick may be in possession of "some bunk @$$ $%&#" thanks to an anonymous tip from a co-worker.

In other substance abuse news, Black Magic has entered World Wide Wrestling-sponsored drug and alcohol rehabilitation again. Black Magic is a former WWW Heavyweight Champion, best known for being victimized by the nWo Wolfpac and his standout Title-On-A-Pole Match with White Lightning at Street Fight 2000. The “Magic Man’s” contract was not renewed in 2002 and he has very publicly battled personal demons in the time since, most notably in an unnamed competition’s notoriously disastrous pay-per-view main event against White Magic (better known to WWW fans as Counter-Spy).

As a reminder, World Wide Wrestling offers gratis rehabilitation to all current and former employees, courtesty of Fretz Park Wellness Center & Table Tennis Room.

World Wide Wrestling is saddened to have learned of the untimely passing of Water Buffalo. Though footage of his time in WWW eludes our editorial staff, the following memorial has been erected in the side-yard:

Chief Buffalo will conduct a traditional Native American ceremony in his memory at Wexxon, immediately following the Westwood / Liberty game this Friday evening.

For a look back at Thorn's first few runs with World Wide Wrestling, revisit WWW's first ever sit-down, shoot interview with Thorn, as conducted by Tony Stark when he still had integrity, by clicking here.

Tony Stark also conducted shoot interviews with Hurricane (avaiable here) and Whirlwind (avaiable here).

Weird Hat Boy: Conratulations, Mr. Everett – you've given birth to the head of a black child!

Chevy Everett: I'm the proudest father alive...

Following the surprising return of Thorn on Monday Night Madness, color commentator Frankie Rizzo quipped, "With Thorn here, one has to wonder – can Garbage Man be far behind?"

For clarification, no one has to wonder that. As a matter of fact, the only e-mails we've receieved regarding the statement are from viewers asking who Garbage Man is. The one exception simply read, "I draw."

World Wide Wrestling did receive word that Garbage Man updated his Status on MySpace to read, "I re-signed with WWW," although we cannot confirm this because his MySpace is set to private and he won't add us.

To avoid any legal conflict with Auntie Anne's, with whom he is currently under contract, World Wide Wrestling would like it known that we have not had any contract negotions with Garbage Man since the acquisition of TWA.