Welcome to the battle of Hoth... seen through the eyes of someone really screwed up. This is a spectacular spoof, worthy of Jim Abrahams or Mel Brooks. (Well, maybe not that good. I'm just having delusions of grandeur.) It's full of stupid jokes, unrealistic action sequences, and incredibly cold puns. Like that one.


It was a cold, snowy day on the ice planet of Hoth (named after the noise you make when you blow on a window to clear away the frost), and Duke Clodhopper, gay defender of the galaxy (although he wasn't really gay, everyone just called him that), was riding about on his trusty, drum-shaped snow beast, the Tom-tom, keeping an eye out for Imperial Probe Droids (you could never tell when one would sneak up behind you and probe you, if you know what I mean). Duke and his fellow Nonconformists (from the Nonconformist Coalition) had recently fled to Hoth to escape the clutches of the evil, naughty dark lord Dork Tater, who had pursued them across half a galaxy, all the while smiling and thinking fondly of Princess Leeiay, the leader of the Nonconformists, in a skimpy toga behind his black-and-polyester mask.

Suddenly, the Tom-tom reared up sharply (a considerable feat, since it was round and rolled across the ground like a big wheel) and sniffed the air with its two drumstick-like feelers. "What's wrong?" asked Duke. "Is something out there?" (This was, of course, the stupidest thing he could have said, since, something really being out there, it would quite obviously not take well to Duke speaking about it in such a manner.) Sure enough, an enormous Wonka Ice Creature, made entirely of frozen chocolate, rose up behind them and struck Duke a mighty blow to his head. Duke, unabashed, drew his Light Razor, preparing to do battle.

The results of their fight can be summed up best in this old Nonconformist poem, written by a casual observer of the entire event:

"As they fought longe into the nighte,
"The blayde of the mighty Jelli warrior wieldéd
"As a verious weapon, striking the beaste
"Upon the heade, and the shoulders, and the backe,
"And the armes, and the leges, and the feete, and the handes,
"And the calves, and the thighes, and the forearmes,
"And the stomache, and the cheste..."


(It goes on for a while...)


"And the greate beaste was mightily felléd,
"And the mighty warrior brought about his weapon,
"As to continue on his waye --
"But the beaste, beiying of treyacherous minde,
"Bestrode good Duke, and strucke him,
"And the greate warrior was strucke unconsciyouse,
"And the beaste draggéd him away to its greate laire..."



As you can see, Duke lost the fight. Awaking in the laire of the beaste... excuse me... in the lair of the beast, Duke realized he must escaype or he woulde be eyaten (dang it!).

Anyhow, Duke concluded that in order to escape, he would have to use his Light Razor to kill the Wonka Ice Creature, and run toward the base as fast as he could (it is not known what befell the Tom-tom -- it is supposed that it was eyaten.) Using the Vitality used as a tool by all Jelli masters, he retrieved his weapon and slew the great Wonka. This didn't bring him any closer to the base, but at least he had plenty of chocolate to tide him over until he got there.

Finally, Duke's closest friend, Dan Alone, a smuggler with a talent for bad puns, went out to discover what had befallen Duke (appearantly, Duke owed Dan money). After rescuing him and bringing him back to the base, Dan proceeded to destroy an Imperical Probe Droid which had been probing his buddy, the furry creature from Japan named Chowbaka.

Afterward, realizing the Impericals obviously knew where they were, the Nonconformists prepared for the inevitable battle. (It's not that they couldn't get away in time, but merely that the Nonconformists loved a good, bloody battle with lots of casualties.) When the Imperical troops landed, driving large kangaroo-like machines called Hoppers, the Nonconformist forces were as ready as they would ever be.

Although the Nonconformists took dreadful casualties in the battle (there's nothing deadlier than a Hopper jumping about on top of hapless soldiers), they managed to escape by shooting their Icon Cannon at the Imperical ships, called Star Deformers. The Icon Cannon covered the Impericals' Star Deformers with so many Nonconformist decals that the Impericals began firing on their own ships and the entire thing turned into a rather frightening mess.

After making sure his friends Dan Alone, Chowbaka, Princess Leeiay, and the droids, See-Talkstoomuch (C-Talks2Much) and Aren'tyou-deetoo (RN'TU-D2) had gotten away safely, Duke left in his X-shaped Wing Position spacefighter for the swampy, uncomfortable planet of Decomba to be trained by Yoga, the famed Jelli master who also taught exercise classes (which weren't very full, due to the many mosquitoes and other biting insects which inhabit a swamp planet).