Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Clodhopper, its five-second mission: to fall screaming to the ground...

"AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" With a loud thud, Duke Clodhopper, gay defender of the galaxy (though he wasn't really gay, as was explained earlier in Hoth Ha-Ha's) crashed into the dirt of the planet Tangerine, a dry desert planet with sand resembling the skin of an orange, only more of an off-color. He was there to rescue his friend, Dan Alone, from the clutches of the vile gangster Jawa the Hutt, mostly because Dan owed Duke money. However, he was quite busy at the moment pulling himself out of the ground.

This was probably the reason that the mighty Jelli warrior failed to react to a dozen of Jawa's Gallorean Guards coming up behind him and tying him up and dragging him to Jawa's desert palace. There, they threw him into the same dungeon which was occupied by his quick-to-borrow friend, Dan Alone, and his companion, the furry creature Chewtoy. (Chewtoy was actually his nickname, of course. His real name was Chewbananasplitkallaramawithwhippedcreamontop. No one would have such a silly name as Chewtoy.) As soon as Duke was thrown into the dungeon, Dan stirred awake. Appearantly he was having a bad dream. (Would that be a Tangerine Dream?)

"Whoa! Duke! How did you get here?" Dan seemed startled. "I'll give you the money tomorrow, I swear!"

"Don't worry, Dan," said Duke. "I'm here to rescue you so you can pay me back at my convenience."

Calling the guard over to their cell, Duke initiated a clever ruse, in which Dan pretended to be sick. At first, Duke had meant Chewtoy to pretend to be sick, but Chewtoy didn't like going along with Duke's plans for some reason, probably because they usually ended up in Chewtoy being shot. To prove the furry creature's point, as soon as the guard got to the cell, he shot Chewtoy with his "lazer" gun. You see, the "lazer" gun is operated by a device called a "lazer," which projects a beam of light toward the target, frying it. Chewtoy was suitably annoyed, since the stench of burnt fur hung around him for weeks.

Nevertheless, the ruse worked, and soon the guard was unconscious in the cell while Dan and Duke made their escape, and Chewtoy remained locked in the cell. Whoops. Finally, Dan released a very ticked-off Chewtoy and the three of them went to rescue Princess Leeiay, who was being held a prisoner by Jawa the Hutt (as if they hadn't been!), who was probably doing all sorts of unspeakable things to her. Along the way, they were joined by Duke's trusty droids, See-Talks-Too-Much and Aren't-You-Detoo. They sneaked (yes, the correct way to say it is sneaked, not snuck) into Jawa's throne room, where he tried to eat Aren't-You-Detoo. "Get in my belly!" the gruesomely overweight Hutt demanded in a bad Scottish accent.

"Jawa the Hutt," began Duke in a similar brogue, "You're accent -- it's crap! Crrrap!" This reduced the poor Hutt to tears, and the six escaped in the meantime. Back at the headquarters for the Nonconformist Coalition, the leader of the Nonconformists, Baroness Von Mothma, addressed the assembled Nonconformists.

"The time for our attack has come," the Baroness said. "On the remote-controlled moon of Elbor, the Imperical forces are building another Deaf Star. This time, they have a special hearing aid which will screen all sounds approaching the Deaf Star and make it harder for our fighters to stop it, but we can still get past it if we can just go down to the moon and knock out the hearing aid generator."

"Who'll do that?" asked one of the people the Baroness had paid to sit in the audience and ask questions.

"Oh, I'll just get Dan Alone, Duke Clodhopper, Princess Leeiay, Chewtoy, and their droids to do that. Meanwhile, General Landrun Calamine and his copilot, Mean Nun, will lead the attack on the Deaf Star."

Duke shrugged. "Works for me."

A resounding "D'oh!" came from the two robots.

Soon, the entire group was in a Llama-class shuttle which had been stolen from the Impericals, called the Shuttle Siberian, heading for the moon of Elbor. They landed and met a group of strange, furry teddy bear- like creatures called Ewoks (evidently, these creatures are funny enough as they are, without any comical names or descriptions). The Ewoks helped them take over the hearing aid generator which protected the Deaf Star, but, suddenly, a company of Storm Troopers, decked out in heavy raincoats and hard-weather gear, appeared and took the Noncomformists by surprise. It all seemed hopeless until See-Talks-Too-Much and Aren't-You-Detoo stumbled into the generator room and, Jar Jar-like, inadverdently disarmed every Storm Trooper in the room. (Yes, I know this isn't what happened in the movie. I'm telling the story here.) The Noncomformists pressed their charges against the hearing aid generator, mostly disorderly conduct and protecting a big destructive object floating in space, and prepared for the attack against the Deaf Star.

Leading the attack in Dan Alone's borrowed ship, the Aluminum Falcon, Landrun and his copilot Mean Nun attacked the Deaf Star first. Wait. Actually, I said that actually, earlier in the sentence, so the correct sentence should read, "Leading the attack in Dan Alone's borrowed ship, the Aluminum Falcon, Landrun and his copilot Mean Nun raced toward the Deaf Star to attack first." What? Ah, nuts. I did it wrong again. Let's see... the subject goes before the... um... oh, I'll just leave it like it is.

Anyway, as I was saying, they led the attack. This means they attacked. The attack against the Deaf Star consisted of many starfighters, like the Ex-Wing (designed to look like someone's ex-wife), the Why-Wing (shaped like a question mark), the Bee-Wing (looks like an insect), and the A-Wing (looks like a Canadian). Suddenly, however, their ears were filled with the most horrible sound in the galaxy -- somebody scraping their fingers down a chalkboard! Somehow, the Deaf Star's superweapon was operational!

Though several ships succumbed to this most vile of tortures, the others still managed to keep their wits about them, and followed the Aluminum Falcon into the bowels of the unfinished Deaf Star. Yes, the bowels. Every space station has bowels. Don't argue with me. Where was I? Oh, right, the attack. The Aluminum Falcon flew through the insides (there, are you happy?) of the Deaf Star, firing at the space station's main central control thingy. As the station began to explode, the Aluminum Falcon made it out just in time, and everybody cheered and had a big party on the planet surface below, using all of the fireworks they were planning to use to blind the Impericals while they made their escape if the attack had been unsuccessful. Oh, and by the way, while all this had been going on, Duke had gone up to the Deaf Star and fought Dark Tater, whom he had recently found out was his father, and turned him back to the light side, so that he (Dark Tater, that is) had killed the Emperor who ruled the Impericals, and then died for some mysterious reason, but not before telling Duke to get the heck out of there. Which Duke did. The end.