Chapter 9
"Nick, what I am about to tell you is very hard for me. I have done something very terrible…something that I can never forgive myself for…and something that may drive you away from me. Trust me, I will understand if you don't want me after what I tell you. Honest…sometimes I think it would have been better if I just drowned that day." I spoke as tears welled up in my eyes again.
Nick just looked at me. He watched as the salty tears streamed down my face…and then wiped them away with a gentle sweep of his hand. There was pain in his eyes. He hated to see me so upset, for reasons yet known to him. "I can't believe that there is anything that will make me stop loving you, Heather. I just want you to be honest with me…I just want you to tell me the truth." he said as he realized that he had been keeping a secret from me too. For the first time, fear struck him. He looked away for just a brief moment. 'How can I tell her to be honest with me, when I haven't been totally honest with her. I love her, but will she understand who I really am? Will she love me once I tell her who I am?' he thought to himself, but then quickly turned to face me.
I could see something in his eyes…something that he desperately wanted to tell me…but I decided that I would talk first…then he could talk to me if he wanted. I told him everything from the beginning.
"Nick, there was another man in my life. About a year ago, I met this wonderful man. He gave me everything, love, hope, kindness, and a good life. I never wanted for anything. I loved him very much. He asked me to marry him…and of course, I said yes. Then, it all went down from there. About three months ago, I found out that I was pregnant. I was devastated…but I couldn't let him know how I felt. When I told him about the baby, he was so excited…and that is all he ever talked about." I stopped to wipe tears from my eyes.
Nick just looked at me surprised, but stayed quiet.
"He had it all planned out. We would move the wedding date up so that we would be married before the baby came. He would support me 100% and the baby and I would stay home and just be together. It was like a fairy tale come true. All the while, I was terrified inside. All I could think about was how I was giving up everything I wanted in life, because of this baby. Once the baby came, I wouldn't be able to work, and what little time I had to myself would be taken away. I was selfish. I didn't want to share him with anyone else…and a child would take him away from me. I was jealous…all he ever wanted to talk about was that baby." I got angry as I continued.
Nick then spoke. "If you loved him so much…why didn't it work out??? And, what exactly happened?" He was very worried, and he wasn't dumb. He knew what I did and it started to make him sick to his stomach. He didn't want to admit that it was making him really upset, but he vowed to keep his promise…and listened to what I had to say.
"Please continue.." he said softly.
"Well, I know that you have figured out what I did next. I was so upset and disgusted by the whole baby issue, that I did the worst thing that I could have ever done. I went to my doctor…and I told her…'I don't want this baby…and neither does my fiancee, so please, just take it out of me.' and so she did. But she didn't know that I had lied about my fiancee's feelings. And, well, it didn't matter, because it was too late." I got up and started to walk.
Feelings of guilt and anger started to well up in me and I had to do something. I got mad…and I picked up a rock from the sand and threw it as hard as I could. Nick just stood in his place…and watched me. He now knew the horrible secret that I had.
I turned and looked at him, "Nick, the reason that I my fiancee left me was because I murdered our unborn child! I pushed him out of my life forever by doing that…and I have done the one thing that I can never forgive myself for. THAT is why I just wanted to die. But you HAD to pull me out of the water…you HAD to save me…and you HAD to love me! WHY!!!" I started to scream and ran. I didn't stop until my legs gave out from under me and I collapsed in the sand.
Nick came up to my side…and he just said one sentence…"How could you?" and then walked away.
I never heard that day what he wanted to tell me. I never heard
about the secret I knew he was keeping from me. And that was the
last time I saw him…