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Many months ago she began many different phases in
her life. At the time of these changes she didn't understand why these things were happening or why
she felt the emotions she was. It's an overwhelming feeling when one day you are so happy and so alive, and
then the next you're heart and the world around you begins to crumble down.
It all started with betrayal. To see and hear the words that were said about
her,
from the one she believed truly loved her, created disbelief.... denial....
and she found herself becoming alienated from others around her.
Why disbelief? Because she knew in her heart this person loved
her.... loved her in more ways than she could ever explain.
Denial??? She began to question who she was.... who she is as a person..... all that
she is... all that she can be. She wasn't enough. She didn't do everything
she
could have done. She didn't stand up to be the person he wanted so deeply.
Alienation???? It was easier for her to stay away from those close to
her.... it was a way of protection from anymore grief and protecting
herself from feeling more pain that she was already trying to cope with.
In time, she began to feel a sense of numbness. The numbness lead to a whole new
stage of emotions. This time the feelings and emotions attacked
her heart....
ripping and shredding it into as many pieces as it possibly could.
She began to cry uncontrollably day after day... and at times
she didn't have a reason
as to why she felt so much pain inside..... it didn't take much to set
her
off into a emotional fit.
Fear was a part of this strong emotion..... why??? She didn't want to be
alone.... yet she didn't want to be around others.... She was about to do something
she never dreamed she would do... and she knew she would have to go through it alone,
even though he said he would be right there by her side.
Her fears turned into anger. How could he do this to her? Why was he doing these things to
her? She was mad.... She didn't deserve to go through all of pain and anguish that
she was. It wasn't fair... and she allowed the anger to protect
her from anymore pain.
She's managed to work through a lot of issues. And she accomplished most of the
tasks she has set out to complete. She allowed the numbness to resurface and to
lead her through each new day. Still, she doesn't have all the answers.....
and she doesn't spend her days worrying or wondering what she
has done wrong.
She knows deep in her heart, as well as her head.... She is not the one to blame.
She has grown to realize and to understand why some of the things happened as they
did. It doesn't make this any easier for her.... and it doesn't make everything Okay.
But it does make each day just a little bit easier.
Sometimes she lies awake at night..... thinking..... wondering......
And sometimes she cries herself to sleep.
She hasn't stopped dreaming......
She hasn't stopped loving......
For now, she has put her heart on hold so she can rebuild all the broken pieces that reside inside of
her.
~ Annette ~
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