Hi, I’m Autolycus: the Plastic Action Figure. Most of the time, I sit on Margui’s monitor and look handsome. She generally ignores me, unless she needs a gathering report written, then Margui will take me off the monitor and pack me in her bag for an extended trip.
These little excursions are usually Iolausian gatherings, and this was no exception. We were headed for Arlington, Texas to the Scottish Festival and Highland Games. Joy of joys, it's bad enough that I have to compete with Iolausians, now I have to compete with men in tacky plaid skirts, too.
This was Margui’s forth trip to Arlington, and by now you’d think she’d know her way around. Okay, well maybe she does, but I don’t think she took me sight seeing just for my viewing pleasures.
The first time, way back in 1999, she trusted the Internet to give her directions and we ended up in a very seedy side of town. I mean the “Roxanne, put your red light on,” seedy side of town.
The next time, she took a wrong turn on IH30. Actually, she took no turn at all, and ended up at the Forth Worth Stockyards. Talk about your foul sense of directions. Pee-U!
This time my directionally dyslexic doll (she hates it when I call her that) took IH30 when she should have taken IH20 and well, you can imagine what happened. Gilligan would have had better luck getting off his island than she had finding her hotel.
Once we made it to the hotel, Margui instructed the desk clerk to ring her room. Unfortunately, no one answered so my Marguimarz had some time to kill. Can you believe it? She went shopping but she didn’t take me. What’s with that? Was she afraid that the King of Thieves was going to shoplift or something?
An hour later, she tried the room again. Still no answer. In hopes that her friends would get back soon, she left a desperate message on their voice mail, saying she was feeling unwanted. I thought she was kidding until she mumbled something about going to Pier One.
I became concerned. Doesn’t she know the salt air and sand would destroy my perfectly plastic good looks? Besides, what would I do if she decided to dive in? I can’t very well call 911, can I? I tell you, I was so relieved when we stepped into another store.
Shortly after we arrived at Pier 1 Imports, she got a call. Seems like her friends had been there all along. Unfortunately, the phone was turned off but when the message light began to flicker, they got her message.
Friday night consisted of ogling the men in skirts and fondling the goods on sale. I guess I should be grateful that it wasn’t the other way around. They wandered from tent to tent, picking out things to buy.
In one of the playing fields, the gals watched some men in skirts throwing large weights above their heads. Now, how stupid is that? I couldn’t tell if the object of the game was to get the weight over the high bar or to avoid getting beamed. Either way, I guess you could call yourself a winner.
Marguimarz had a hard time watching the games as she kept hiding her eyes every time the men would throw the weights exclaiming, “I can’t watch this.” But seconds later she’d watch another contestant, as fascinated in the game as she is of me.
Much to the girls delight, there was a stiff breeze blowing that evening and the foursome finally got the answer to what was underneath the men’s skirts.
The end of the evening, we all had a stomping good time listening to a few Celtic bands as Margui had a stomping good time slapping all the bugs that she insisted were crawling or biting on her.
Saturday’s agenda included the games in the morning and evening, with videos at the hotel during the hot part of the day.
Saturday morning was spent mainly shopping for those things they were fondling the day before. Ceryndip and Jane looked for sheet music. Each fancies themselves as musicians. Bwell is the singer of the group and her music is almost like a siren’s song. I can now understand why ancient Greek sailors would be lured onto the rocks. After hearing the same tune over and over and over again, I seriously thought about banging my head against a rock, myself.
The afternoon was spent watching several videos. I couldn’t tell from the film if the “Man Who Had Everything,’ really did, but the gals seemed to get a kick out of seeing his everything - insides and out. I think the only thing they missed seeing in this film was his family jewels. They kept telling me it was educational, but the blood and guts of the matter was they just liked the actor.
After “The Man Who Had Everything” was finished, Ceryndip popped in a movie entitled, “No Ordinary Life”. She explained that she thought Margui would really like it, seeing she has that quirky sense of humor everyone identifies her with.
Let me tell you, there was no ordinary laughter coming from this group. Margui would have fallen off her chair, rolling on the floor in laughter if it wasn’t for the fact she was already on the floor.
The evening was spent back at the Scottish Festival. Two notable attractions were the caber toss and the Brobdinnangian Bards.
I always wondered what the big deal was of tossing the small buds from a bramble like bush, until Margui explained cabers were not capers and were actually very long and very heavy telephone poles.
Imagine the sight of men in skirts struggling to balance a beam on it’s end that’s four or more times their height, then tossing it hoping it ends up parallel to the thrower. Impressive? Maybe, but I bet they can’t swing through trees with a grappling hook.
The singing bards drew quite an audience. Talented, humorous and stealing the show with their witty repartee, you’d think they were watching me! Okay, so there were two of them and they had already released five CDs and they proudly wore those plaid skirts, but I can make up a bawdy limerick just as good as they could.
“There once was a thief from Scyros whose jewels were as hot as a …”
The evening finished with a few fireworks and bagpipe music, then it was time to go back to the hotel.
Wired from the festival and games, the foursome played with us plastic action figures for a while. In fact, it looked like they were playing “Attack of the Clones”, what with a 12 inch Obi Wan Kanobi doll, two 12 inch Ares dolls and two 6 inch visions of me!
By eleven o’clock, we were abandoned for a major case of sleep, except Bwell couldn’t sleep. The siren decided to regale the room with various show tunes. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Margui decided to join in. The two of them were wailing away when Ceryndip dared to compare my Margui’s singing to Ewen McGregor’s. Well, I guess comparing was not quite the word. She basically said Margui’s voice couldn’t compare to Ewen McGregor’s. Let me tell you, it wasn’t a compliment. Finally, the sirens’ voice calmed down and everyone fell asleep.
Sunday was spent lazily deciding on story challenges for the IWC and games for the Gold Apple mailing list. Finally, I was the topic of everyone’s conversation, as the annual summer game was decided.
Then, quicker that I can pick a Hephaestian lock, it was time for everyone to pack up and get ready to go. They stopped at Cracker Barrel for lunch before each headed their own way home.
They’re planning on meeting again when invariably I’ll be called upon to write one of these infernal reports. But until then, I’m stuck back on the monitor, standing next to a 5-inch image of an actor Margui is quite fond of.
Right now, he’s wearing a foofy white shirt, but she has a couple of Hawaiian shirts she’ll occasionally dress him in. He’s good company, but quite one-dimensional, certainly no match for me- Autolycus: The Plastic Action Figure Extraordinaire.
