I'm Not A Demigod, But I Play One On T.V.

Disclaimer 2: I have never met nor expect to meet the actors I have mentioned or portrayed in this story. I have no idea how they would react in such a fictionalized situation, therefore the actors in character are just products of my imagination. They are not meant to portray the real life versions of said actors.

"Okay, cut," the director said. "Great job, Kevin, Michael. Take 30 minutes and get warmed up before we shoot the next scene." Kevin Sorbo and Michael Hurst, stars of the syndicated television series Hercules: the Legendary Journeys, quietly wandered off toward their respective trailers. It was a cold day in New Zealand, as it always seemed to be in the beginning of the shooting season. The sun was behind dark clouds, a soft rain threatened to fall and the wind drifted off the cold ocean adding to everyone's discomfort.

The director, deciding that the next scene needed some last minute modifications, walked toward the small field where the scene would be filmed. He shouted to the stage manager as he made his way to the center of the field. "Bring on the Barbarians. And this time, make sure they don't attack until I say action," he said, still sporting a bruise to his chin caused by an over zealous extra. The field was suddenly filled with a small hord of extras dressed in their best barbarian attire. The director shook his head in amazement. The wardrobe department did an especially good job making these bit players look like the malodorous and vulgar brutes he had requested. Nevertheless, he wondered if barbarians really wore horn encrusted headdresses and animal skins, or if this was just another whim of the wardrobe department.

The cast and crew had been working straight for almost ten hours and Michael Hurst found the theatrics on the set to be especially tedius. He decided he needed to relax by listening to his favorite Wagner CD before being called to shoot his next and hopefully last scene of the day. He was approaching his trailer when he was stopped by Kevin Smith.

"You die again today, Iolaus." He said mimicking his Ares character. He was still decked out in his silver studded, black leather costume giving his characterization a more believable affect.

Kevin Smith seemed to relish playing the God of War, and continued in character long after the cameras quit rolling. His own disposition seemed to fit so well into the Ares persona, it was often said that the role of Ares was written with the definite hopes that he would play it.

"Perhaps a little taste of Kevin's hind's blood will humble the fake god of war?" Michael said as he drew the rubber dagger that hung on his belt. The agile blonde quickly jabbed Kevin Smith in the posterior with the blunt end of the knife. This brought the taller, darker actor reeling around. He wanted to incite Kevin into a friendly confrontation. He did not appreciate the crass comments on the death of Iolaus. The death of Iolaus seemed to be one of the most prevelant inside jokes at Renaissance Pictures. His character had already died three times, each time coming back to life more popular than before. The staff and crew were so fond of killing off Iolaus, that they would often hang notes outside his trailer, detailing the latest and greatest plot to kill off and then bring back his character. He tried to take the jokes in the jest in which they were intended, but agitating Kevin Smith into verbal sparring was more fun.

Kevin curled his upper lip and snarled in response to the gibe. Michael shook his head and smiled. This was the first time he caught Kevin Smith speechless. He ducked into his trailer before Kevin had a chance at a retort.

On his way to his trailer, Kevin Sorbo stopped by the catering kiosk to get a hot drink. He was approached by the property master. "Hey, Kevin. What do you think of this?" He handed an object to Kevin.

"What is it?" he said, turning it around in his hand. The object d'art had a square gold base with strange heiroglyphic like symbols adorning it. A green piece of glass in the shape of a pyramid was attached to the gold base. The whole object was about 7 inches long.

"It's the Chronostone. It's for your next scene."

"It doesn't look like the Chronostone. Isn't it suposed to have a conic shape?" He said as he tossed it back to the property master.

"Oh, come on, Kevin. No one will notice. Besides, the other one was destroyed when those Iolausians stormed Renaissance a while back."

Kevin grinned. "It was also destroyed in T. V. land, too. You remember? Armaggedon. Big Scene. Burnt to a crisp. Six melted mockups. Sound familiar?"

He received a blank look from the property master's face. "Fine, whatever."

Kevin gave up and waved the property master on as he proceeded toward his trailer. The glaring irregularities of the show really annoyed him. The writers constantly filled the screenplays with changed premises and inconsistant plot contrivances. He thought, if they didn't seem to care, why should he? Kevin heard the property master shouting as he walked away. "Okay then. . ." the property master yelled hesitating as if he was thinking, "we can call this one the Timexstone."

He caught up with the tall man. "You know, Time-EX-Stone."

Kevin groaned in response. The day was getting longer and the jokes lamer. He was ready to go home. Soon after Kevin Sorbo arrived at his trailer, he was called to do the next scene. He sighed heavily and trudged out of the trailer and toward the open field.

The property master handed Kevin the new and improved Chronostone as the actor found his mark. Michael Hurst followed him into the field.

"Hey, what's that?" he asked Kevin when he noticed the green prop in his hand.

"Oh, this is our new and improved Chronostone."

"What happened to the old one?"

Kevin shrugged his shoulders. "Oh, I don't know. Something about Iolausians. You know I really don't pay much attention to the property master."

"No, No. Barbarian 3. You're not on your mark." The director screamed in annoyance. The long shooting schedule was beginning to wear on the director too. He pointed to the correct spot brusquely.

"You would think they would make it look like the old one, wouldn't you?" Michael said continuing their conversation oblivious to the director's tirade. "Let me see it."

Kevin handed him the Chronostone. He turned it over in his hands and then began fiddling with the base. "Hey, Kevin. Did you know this thing moves?" He said as he adjusted the base. He absently played with the prop, turning it in a full circle a couple of times.

"God, Michael. Don't break it. Heaven only knows what the property master would come up with next. I may end up having to hold a green popsicle in the next scene." Kevin said as he tried to grab the prop from his co-star's hands.

When he touched the green stone, a white light exploded from the Chronostone and engulfed both Kevin Sorbo and Michael Hurst. Colored spots danced in the actors' eyes. They began feeling lightheaded and dizzy, almost weightless for a moment. When the spots cleared, the actors were completely disoriented.

The cold breeze drifting off the ocean was replaced by warm sunshine. The intensity of the burning sun hurt their eyes. Kevin briefly closed his eyes and rubbed them with the heels of his hands. Slowly he opened them again, squinting until his eyes could adjust to the bright light. When he could finally see, his attention was focused on the extras as they approached from the far side of the field. Their bludgeouns and swords were raised. He didn't remember the director yelling action. Indeed, the small group of ten barbarians had grown twofold. They were heading toward the two actors with an uncommon lust for extras.

The two men looked at each other, not knowing exactly what to do. They had rehersed the scene with ten barbarians. They didn't know how to even begin to orchestrate the scene with twenty. This had to be some lame joke on the two actors.

Kevin Sorbo looked around for the director. He was known for his pointless pranks on the cast and crew, but the director was in a particularly foul mood, and Kevin decided he wouldn't take the time to arrange such an elaborate joke. He saw no director, no gaffers, no boom mics and no cameras.

"Michael," he said as the barbarians were closing in. "I don't think were in Kansas anymore. Look around you."

By this time Michael Hurst had also noticed the lack of production personnel in the field. The barbarians were not going to wait for the director to yell, "cut". Their blood lust was not acting. It was real.

"What do we do?" he questioned, waiting for a response from the star of the show. The barbarians were approaching rapidly.

"FIGHT," both said simultaneously as they looked to each other for confirmation. Michael dropped the Chronostone and quickly unsheathed the sword slug over his back with the familiar ease of a real warrior.

The blond man had some fencing experience and was comfortable with the play of the sword. In a match, he could, and often did win. He hoped it would be the same in this open field.

"Blasted. Why doesn't Hercules ever carry a weapon?" Kevin muttered in exasperation. It wasn't the first time he thought it was an ill conceived plot contrivence that Hercules never carried a weapon. There was a real danger that he could get hurt. A few stitches to the head was one thing, but being skewered by a sword was another thing entirely. He doubted this would even be covered by the actor's health care plan, to boot.

Kevin picked up the biggest rock he could find and hurled it at the first barbarian to attack. Two other brutes were following close behind. The rock hit the barbarian squarely in the chest. He fell, knocking out the two behind him in a domino effect.

"Strike!" Kevin shouted as he watched the trio drop.

Michael was parrying every move made by the barbarian engaging him. He remained on the defensive. He was using a real sword that could do real damage. To spite the fact that he could get hurt just as easily defending himself, he did not have the blood lust to attack. He also didn't have the stamina to continue this parry for long. He had to disarm the barbarian. Michael attempted to kick the sword out of the barbarian's hand. He had done this in at least half a dozen episodes and was surprised when the tactic actually worked. He then punched the barbarian in the face; grimiced and shook his hand. He forgot how painful a fist fight could be.

Another barbarian approached the blond fighter with his bludgeon raised. He stopped just long enough for Michael to sweep the man's legs below the knee with his right foot. The barbarian fell to the ground. The force of the fall caused the bludgeon to dislodge from his hand. He picked it up and called to Kevin. "Hey, Kev. It looks like you could use some help." he said as he threw the bludgeon with his left hand and continued to hold the sword defensively with his right.

Kevin looked up just in time to the bludgeon hurling toward him. It was a remarkably good toss, he thought. He caught the bludgeon just as another wave of barbarians were closing in.

Suddenly the second wave of barbarians stopped their advance. One pointed to the top of a hill directly behind the two actors. Curious, they turned around. A small group of people appeared from behind the hill. Each was carrying a weapon and they seemed intent on using them. Men held swords and daggers. Some had pitchforks. Others had shovels. One old woman was carrying a frying pan. All were proceeding down the hill running at a frantic pace. From the looks of the group, they seemed to be a small band of citizens.

The sight of this motley group of people seemed to frighten the barbarians. They turned around and ran out of the field. The people continued to chase them, passing Kevin and Michael in the process.

As the two men watched the barbarians and the townfolk flee, a sudden flash of bright light appeared in the field. Ares materialized in front of them.

Both actors blinked in surprise. Flat Earth would normally supply the scinctilation visual effect in post production. They had never seen the precursory flash of light on the set. If they had any doubt they were in ancient Greece, they had none now. The real God of War stood in front of them, as menacing as ever.

"And they call themselves fearless BARBARIANS." Ares shouted toward the fleeing troop, clearly annoyed. He sauntered over to where Kevin and Michael stood. The surprised and confused look was still evident on their faces.

"What are you two doing here? This is not your fight." he said as looked up and down at the two men standing before him. He suspected something was different but couldn't quite place what it could be.

"Hey, they attacked us first. We had to defend ourselves, didn't we?" Michael said defensively, as if not sure what the proper etiquette would be if attacked by a bunch of barbarians. Ares looked to the blond man.

"Yes, of course," he said distracted, then continued. "Iolaus, have you gotten taller?"

Wondering what kind of ramifications there could be if Ares found out he was only an Iolaus imposter and not the real Iolaus, Michael decided a little improvisational acting was in order. He pulled down on his purple vest and pulled up on his toes. "Me? No."

Playing Iolaus was like second nature to Michael and he quickly got into the character's persona.   He looked up to Kevin and asked, "Hercules. Have I gotten taller?"

"No, Iolaus." Kevin answered, emphasizing Michael's character's name. "You're no taller than you've always been."

"Maybe you've gotten shorter?" Michael inquired to Ares. The God of War looked so much like Kevin Smith, he forgot for a moment who he was talking to. He did so enjoy agitating Smith.

Ares snarled and curled his upper lip. Kevin Smith would have been proud. The gesture was uncannily like the one Smith used.

Kevin was rather perturbed that Michael seemed to be having so much fun in this masquerade. Whereas Michael's character was at least human, he was certainly not a demigod. He hoped he would not be called upon to do some super human feat before they could find their way home.

"Just as cocky as ever, aren't you, Iolaus?" came Ares retort. "I suggest you watch your backs, men. And I use that term lightly," Ares said trying to inflame the two actors. "The villagers have managed to scare off the barbarians this time, but they will be back and they will be out for blood." With the warning, Ares disappeared in a ball of fire.

"Well, that went well. Do you think he suspected anything?" Michael asked looking up at his taller companion.

Kevin frowned. He wasn't at all pleased with the idea of hanging around to find out. "Where's the Chronostone? Maybe you can get us back," he answered in an urgent tone. He looked in the field in hopes of finding it.

"I don't even know how I got us here." Michael said as he scoured the field looking for the green object d'art. He found it a few meters away and hurried to retrieve it.

At the sound of approaching voices, the two men looked up and found the group of villagers casually walking back into the field. The barbarians were not following them, and the smug looks on their faces would suggest that they indeed ran them off.

Two villagers were leading the rag tag team of fighters. One was a beautiful young woman with a mane of long blond curls. She had impossibly perky breasts and wore a dress with a tight fittling bodice made to accentuate them. On her arm was an older man. His hair was as white and thick as February snow. He wore a long toga in a rich deep purple.

They approached Kevin as Michael walked over to them. "Hercules, Iolaus." The young woman initiated the conversation. "We weren't expecting you so soon." She smiled attentively at Michael Hurst.

She moved closer to Michael and tenderly grabbed him by the arm. She leaned over greeted him with a quick kiss to his cheek. Michael gave Kevin a questioning look and then shrugged his shoulders.

By the way this young woman was hanging on him, he was sure that Iolaus would have known her name, but he had no clue. He got a strange sense of deja vu. She looked so familiar and he could believe that he had met her, or rather someone who looked like her.

"Hercules, how'd you get here so fast?" The old man quickly interrupted. He wormed his way in between the young woman and the blond man. It was clear he did not trust the smaller actor. "We sent word to you only a few days ago."

"We were in the neighborhood?" Kevin offered.

"We heard you were a good 10 days journey from here. Are you sure you didn't steal Hermes sandals?"

"Yeah. . .well. . .ummm. . ." the younger man squirmed under the older man's intense glare.

"We travel light!"

"And fast. Even without Hermes sandals." Michael interected. He was clearly amused by his friends obvious discomfort.

The sudden realization that Kevin could communicate with these people seemed inconceivable. He could not speak Greek and they could not possibly understand him in English. But there they were, communicating.

Watching the interaction between the villagers and himself or Michael, reminded him of a badly dubbed Japanese movie. He could understand the dialog perfectly, but their lips and mouths would move at odd intervals, as if someone had erased their voices and then dubbed in another language. He tried to keep his eye on Michael as much as he could to avoid laughing.

"Papa fears that the barbarians will be back. Since all the trouble with Demetrius and Maceus, it seems our village has been ripe pickings for any bandit that comes our way. These barbarians are just the latest to pillage Plinth."

"Scaring them away. What good would that do?" the old man threw up his arms in disgust. He almost hit Michael in the process. The actor had to pull back in order to avoid his unweildy limb. "They'll be back again, just like they were last month. They're barbarians for Zeus' sake. They don't think like you or me."

"You know what I'd like to do with them, Breanna. I'd like to wipe the floor with them. You should see what they did to the meeting hall. All the work I put into it. . . ." he hesitated, "Well with your help of course, Hercules."

"Of course." Kevin said. He didn't know what the heck the old man was talking about, yet the whole story had a familiar ring to it. He was getting a headache just thinking about it.

"When we got word the barbarians were planning to attack today, well, we were inspired to go on the offensive. It looks like it worked." Breanna said as she looked back into the field. She was hoping the barbarians would not regain their courage anytime soon.

Breanna patted Michael's arm in affection. The look in her eyes definitely suggested she was smitten. "You must be hungry from such a long journey. Let's get you back to Plinth. I'll fix you dinner."

The villagers lead their heros just beyond the ridge to the town of Plinth. Breanna tried to catch Michael up on all the news in the village as they walked toward the small town. He nodded in response to each new baby, marriage, and scandal she expounded upon. He had no idea who Cibolo, Helotes, and Kendalia were, but Breanna expected that Iolaus would know, so he just nodded and smiled.

Over the hill, the two actors could see the small village of Plinth. Michael suddenly stopped as he remembered the town, the hill, and the scene where he was forced to run at full speed, over this very hill, covered literally head to toe in approximately 5 kilograms of rapidly drying mud.

The writers, being particularly brutal in that screenplay, had him running the gauntlet of very physical scenes. They used the episode, "Cast a Giant's Shadow", to torture Iolaus, and to write in Michael's broken arm. The script from the episode came flooding back to him.

"Of course," Breanna relented. She leaned closer to Michael and whispered, "See if you can find out what's up with Hercules? Every time Papa tries to talk to him, he seems to turn away. I hope we didn't do anything to offend him." Breanna said genuinely worried. "I'll get you some food," she said and shashayed away from the two actors, leaving them alone.

"Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo," Michael began humming the theme from the "Twilight Zone". A willowy young woman passed the two men on her way to the meeting hall. She edged between the pair. Reaching out with her right hand, she stroked Michael's bare bronze chest.

"Hi, Iolaus," she purred seductively and continued on her way. Michael, speechless, just raised his hand and waved weakly.

"Boy, I had no idea how much of a lothario Iolaus was." Kevin commented somewhat envious of all the attention Michael was getting.

"Maybe women just find him irresistable." Michael said defending his alter ego. He quickly changed the subject, not wanting to debate the issue with Kevin. There was such a backlash after the writers killed off Iolaus for the third time. The amount of protests, letters and petitions were staggering. It seemed his popularity suddenly outshined Kevin's.

"How are we going to get out of this mess?" Michael continued.

"I've been thinking about that. If they've sent word to the real Hercules and Iolaus, then they should be arriving soon. Maybe one of them can tell us how the Chronostone works and get us back."

"You still have it, don't you?" Kevin asked when he noticed the worried look on Michael's face.

"Yes. I have it," he said, pulling it out of a pouch attached to his belt. He remembered wearing the pouch on only a few episodes and wondered why wardrobe had called for it. It came in handy though, he did not relish having to hold it interminably.

Michael walked to a table and bench outside the meeting hall and sat down heavily. He plopped the Chronostone on the table. Kevin followed and set down across from him. Both men glared at the object in front of them. Without warning, Michael reached over and pinched his friend on the arm.

"OUCH! What was that for?"

"I was just testing a theory." Michael grinned mischieviously. "It suddenly occured to me that we could be dreaming. . ."

Kevin rubbed his arm and scowled. "Next time, just tell me your theories, you don't have to test them out on me. Okay?"

Michael shrugged in response.

Shortly after the two men sat down, Breanna appeared with some food. She had two considerable bowls of what Kevin and Michael could easily misrepresent as slop.

Unidentifiable peices of meat floated on the tip of a thin layer of lard. The liquid had the consistancy and color of sludge. Michael looked up at Breanna and smiled weakly. He didn't have the heart to tell her he wasn't going to eat this concoction. "Go on. Don't be shy, Iolaus. I know how much you like Papa's stew. You must be famished."

Breanna sat down next to the handsome man and watched him intently. He picked up a small spoonful and gingerly took a sip. He was not surprised when it tasted about as good as it looked. In fact, the slop seemed the grow in unpleasantness as he continued to chew. Kevin, in the meantime, watched Michael in delight as he slowly stirred his gruel with his spoon.

"Breanna, I'm really parched. Do you think you could bring me something to drink?" Michael said hoping to divert her attention. "Oh, I'm sorry." Breanna apologized when she noticed the absence of a beverage. She hurriedly got up and left.

"I swear, if Iolaus eats this stuff, he must have a tapeworm the size of a hydra." He commented quietly to Kevin as he let the spoon fall into the bowl.

Both men watched until Breanna was out of sight. Once she disappeared around a corner, they searched for a way to dispose of the meal.

A stray dog wandered by and Kevin urged it over. He placed the bowl of food down for the dog to eat. It sniffed the contents of the bowl tentitively and then ran off.

"The dog has more sense than I thought." Kevin announced. Michael took the more pragmatic approach to discarding the slop. He walked over to a nearby bush and dumped the contents of the bowl behind the leafy plant. Needing to rid himself of the offensive meal, Kevin followed suit. He made it back to the table just as Breanna left the building with the two cups.

"Seconds?" Breanna asked when she noticed the empty bowls. She placed the cups on the table.

"No, really we can't," both said in unison.

"You didn't eat much, Iolaus. Are you sure you're feelng okay?" Breanna asked as she took the empty bowls.

"You'll have to excuse Iolaus." Kevin said as he slapped his friend on the shoulder. "He's just not himself today."

"Very funny," Michael said in response when Breanna left. He looked toward the slowly setting sun. Michael felt sure that they would not resolve their problem before sunup. The real Hercules and Iolaus were probably getting ready to bed down for the night.

"Why couldn't Kevin Smith be trapped in this god forsaken place." Michael mused to himself. Smith was always more easygoing about unexpected events. "Besides this would be great payback for some of the tricks he's played on me." His forehead knotted in consternation.

"What's wrong?" Kevin asked concerned.

"Something's not right."

"Duh. We're actors stuck in ancient Greece, with no idea how to get out. I'd say something's not right."

"No, no, other than that." Michael dismissed the comment with a wave of his hand.

Kevin waited for his friend to continue, finally urging him on. "What's going on in that mind of yours?" he asked.

Michael played with a loose thread on his vest. "I was just thinking. Why was Ares speaking to us in English? You know, none of this foreign film festival stuff. Perfect, no voiceover required, English. If he thought we were Iolaus and Hercules, shouldn't he be speaking to us in Greek?"

"Maybe it's some strange side effect from time travel? Who knows? Could be mass hypnosis? Ooh, ooh." Kevin raised his hand and begin fidgeting. "Maybe he has a Universal Translator?"

Michael was ignoring Kevin's attempts at humor. He was trying to have a serious conversation. Then he came to a revelation. "Ares had to know who we were. How else?"

"What are you talking about?" Kevin asked. He could almost see the wheels turning in his co-stars head.

"We're in ancient Greece. English like we speak it hasn't even been invented yet. The townsfolk don't speak English, we get it dubbed in for us." Michael paused when he saw Kevin about to speak. "Let's not even go into that, yet. Work with me here.

"How should it be that Ares can speak English? And he was speaking to us in English, right?" Michael was asking for confirmation.

"Maybe it's a god thing?" Kevin tried to reason with his friend.

"He's a Greek God, shooting the breeze with two Greek guys. If he though we were Hercules and Iolaus, he should be talking to us in Greek, not in English. Pretty strange, huh. I know this isn't making any sense.

"Hey, you don't think Ares is. . ."

"Alive and well? Whoa. Reality check here." Kevin said finally figuring out where Michael's course of thinking was taking him.

"I think you've been playing Paul Robert Coyle too many times. This is hardly a "Yes, Virginia" episode. There is no Hercules and there is no Ares."

"I'm hardly delusional. I'm just trying to figure this out. This is worse that the Alternative Universe plot line. It's just not possible. But here we are. How is it we can look, sound and act like people we didn't know really existed up until today?"

"But come on, Michael. This is ridiculous. A real Chronostone? A trip to the past? An Alternate Universe? A conspiracy theory, suggesting that Ares exists and he can time travel at will? I suppose you think he's responsible for getting us here. What possible reason would he have to do that?"

"I don't know. Can you explain what's going on? Better yet, I'd like to see you come up with something better." Michael demanded.

"I can't. But if I see Rod Serling walking around Plinth, Chronostone or not, I'm outta here."

Bright stars dotted the heavens. He reflected, if he was back home in New Zealand, he would be tucking Jack in bed just about now.

He wondered if Jennifer and Jack even knew he was gone. He already missed them and decided he couldn't get home soon enough. He wondered if the timeline he knew stopped when he left New Zealand or if it continued without him. What if he couldn't get back. His mind was reeling with the possibilities.

Kevin had seen the sadness in his friend's eyes when the villagers brought up the subject of family. He could tell that Michael was anxious to go home. He wondered what his own wife was doing at the moment. At least it gave him some comfort that he would not be immediately missed. Sam was in the States filming an episode of Chicago Hope.

Kevin gave Michael some time alone and then followed him outside. "Even the stars look different," Michael said with mild amusement when he noticed Kevin.

"We're used to seeing them in the Southern Hemisphere." Kevin said as he looked up.

"What if Hercules and Iolaus don't come? What if they never got the message? They could be fighting a war somewhere. We can't depend on them to help us, Kevin. We have to do this on our own."

"We just can't start messing around with the Chronostone. We don't know how it works. We could end up in another Alternate Universe, even worse than this. You don't want to be stuck playing the Jester all your life, do you?"

"Ha. Ha," he said, knowing that Kevin was speaking the truth, but trying to make light of the situation.

"Maybe you could, you know, call a god to help us," Michael suggested.

"I can't call a god. I'm not Hercules."

"Yeah, but maybe the gods don't know that. Which god can we get to help?" He mulled it over for a moment. "Call Aphrodite."

"What do you mean, 'Call Aphrodite'", Kevin said as he grabbed Michael by the arm and hauled him away from the meeting hall. They stopped at a tall hedge, out of sight from the villagers.

"You know, call Aphrodite. Like you do on the show." Kevin opened his mouth and was about to refuse when he saw the yearning and encouragement on Michael's face.

"Okay," he said resolved.

"Aphrodite," he called out in a weak attempt, his voice questioning and only a few decibles above a whisper.

"Oh Come on. That's not going to get her attention. You've got to act like you're mad." Michael submitted.

"Hey, quit directing me," he responded annoyed. He didn't appreciate the situation they had gotten themselves into any more than Michael.

"APHRODITE." Kevin yelled with as much anger as his voice could carry. There wasn't much acting reflected in his voice. He decided, he really was angry.

Aphrodite appeared in a shower of pink sparks. Scantily dressed in a pink see through chiffon wrap over a revealing bikini, Aphrodite looked strikingly like Alexandra Tydings, the actress that portrayed her in the series. She was every bit as beautiful and as seductive.

"Okay, bro. I heard your bellowing. Jeez, what did I do this time?" she said. Hercules rarely sought out her company unless he was mad at her, wanted a favor or both.

"Whoa, nice dud's bro. I see you finally got a decent tailor." She said when she saw his brown woven leather pants and laced chamois top which showed just a hint of his gorgeous chest. She was always under the impression that he wore way too much clothing.

She looked over to his companion, who was also attired differently. His black leather pants appeared to be the same, but he sported a wonderfully open purple vest instead of the blue cloth shirt he used to wear. "I love this chest thing happening," she said as she noticed his perfectly bare chest.

"I need a favor." Kevin said, tiring of Aphrodite's fashion report.

From what Michael could hear, Aphrodite spoke using the same colorful language and California slang as the the scriptwriters had portrayed her using on the show. That brought up another conundrum, he thought. How is it possible that the writers knew she would talk that way? Maybe the writers were gods. They certainly played with the characters lives as if they were gods.

"I'm thinking too much," he said to himself.

Michael recovered from his reverie when Kevin snapped his fingers in the actor's face. "The stone, Iolaus," he said perturbed.

He fished the Chronostone out of his pouch, struggling as the pointed tip got caught on the strings. Kevin grabbed the stone from his hand when he finally retrieved it.

He turned and presented the Chronostone to the eagerly awaiting goddess. "Ooh, the Chronostone. Where'd you find it. It's been missing for ages," Aphrodite said as she wiggled her fingers in anticipation of holding it.

"Do you know how it works?" Kevin asked.

"The Chronostone? No, not really," she said as she held it gently in her hands. "You know, I'm not heavily into gadgets. That's more Hephie's department. Now if you want a really good love potion, I've got a great number nine," Aphrodite gushed.

She saw the crestfallen faces of her handsome half brother and the mortal she affectionately called 'sweetcheeks'. "Why do you want to know how it works?" She looked at Michael.

"Want to relive that great date you had just a few days ago?" she asked seductively. There was not another mortal that she favored more than this blond warrior. She always made sure he had the affections of a number of attractive women. She smiled and nudged him trying to lighten his mood. He was not acting like the sweetcheeks she knew. Something was different. She scrutinized Michael in the same way Ares had, starting from the top of his head to the tip of his boots.

Must be a family thing, Michael thought, remembering that Ares and Aphrodite were brother and sister. It was, however, making him very self conscious.

"But then, I guess not. You're not Iolaus are you? And if you're not Iolaus...... then you must not be Hercules," she said as she pointed a finger at Kevin.

"How'd you know we weren't Hercules and Iolaus," Michael asked. They had managed to fool everyone so far and he wanted to know why Aphrodite was not so easily duped.

"Well," Aphrodite began, "Let's just say there are certain endowments that give you away." She was trying to be as coy as possible.

"It's the height thing, isn't it?"

"Well, not exactly....... let's just say Iolaus always rises to the occasion upon seeing me," Aphrodite said suddenly demure.

"Oh," Michael said avoiding the downward gaze of Aphrodite and Kevin. He felt the heat rising in his face. Looking at the ground, he suddenly found a rock by his foot to be very interesting.

"If you're not Hercules and Iolaus, then who are you?" Aphrodite asked eyeing them suspiciously.

"Would you believe we're actors in a T. V. series." Kevin offered.

"'Scuse me. T.V. series?"

"It would take too long to explain," Kevin commented. Aphrodite continued to stare at him waiting for the supposed explanation.

"We're from the future and we need to get back, preferably before the real Hercules and Iolaus show up. Can you help us?" he asked returning to the subject at hand.

"Why didn't you just say so?" Aphrodite said dismissing the idea as if it was a sneeze. "I can talk to Hephaestus. He might be willing to help you, with a little encouragement from me."

Aphrodite turned as if she was going to leave and then turned back. "Ooh, before I go, just for curiosity's sake, how do you worship me in the future? I mean, do I have gobs of temples and icons?"

"Yes, definitely, yes." Michael said feeling eternally grateful for Aphrodite's help. He was not about to say anything that might inflame the Goddess of Love.

"In fact, you're so popular in our time, you have our own T. V. network. Very prestigeous. We call it the Playboy Channel." Kevin offered.

"Oh, and don't forget Rendezvous Theatre." Michael nodded in response.

"That's right." Kevin agreed.

"Ooh the Playboy Channel. Sounds delightfully masculine." Aphrodite shivered in amusement, waved goodbye and then vanished in a pink cloud of sparkles.

She had knelt down between the two single beds. She whispered in Kevin's ear while shaking Michael. "I have two people here who really want to meet you."

At the foot of the bed Hercules and Iolaus were waiting for their respective counterparts to wake up.

Michael was laying on his stomach and mumbled something unintelligible as Aphrodite continued to shake him.

Kevin, sleeping on his back was quicker to rouse from sleep. When his eyes opened he saw a mirror image of himself staring back. The surprise of the image was like ice water on his face. He bolted up in the bed.

"Michael. Get up. We've got company."

Michael's eyes sprang open. He looked at Sorbo sitting up in bed. Aphrodite still knelt on the floor.

"God, Aphrodite," he said wiping a hand over his face.

"Poor baby, he must still be asleep. Awake, he would never mistake this body for that of a god." She smoothed her hand over her curvacious waist as she spoke.

"I had hoped this was all a bad dream," he said as he stared back at Aphrodite. The hurt look on Aphrodite's face almost made Kevin laugh. Aphrodite did no appreciate being named as part of a bad dream.

"Well Herc. I'm hurt," Iolaus said from the foot of Michael's bed, "sounds like they don't appreciate our help or our hospitility in the least. Maybe we should just leave them to find their own way home."

Michael flipped around and sat up at the sound of Iolaus' voice. Iolaus responded with a wicked grin. He walked up to Michael.

"Surprise!" he said, his grin wider and more devilish. When Michael swung his legs out to get out of bed, Iolaus playfully plopped on the bed, next to him. He was enjoying the discomfiture of his lookalike.

"I don't find this situation the least bit amusing." Michael said to Iolaus.

"We gathered that." Hercules said from the foot of Kevin's bed.

"He doesn't have much of a sense of humor, does he?" he asked Kevin.

Kevin shrugged his shoulders in response. Actually, Michael Hurst had a wonderful sense of humor and quick wit, but the situation they had gotten themselves into had put a damper on his funny bone.

"He's no Iolaus." Iolaus responded giggling. "Although, it's not everyday I get to meet someone that is as incredibly handsome as myself." Iolaus said taking in every inch of his doppleganger.

"I'm sorry you had to meet like this, but Hercules and Iolaus were walking into the village this morning and I could imagine the mess that it would create if we had two Hercules' and two Iolaus' wandering around. I can barely keep up with the ones I have."

Aphrodite gave Iolaus a seductive smile which he returned impishly.

"Aphrodite was a little fuzzy on the details, but said that you could use our help. I hear you are in possession of the Chronostone?" Hercules said.

Michael bent down and pulled out his discarded purple vest from under the cot. The Chronostone was tucked safely underneath. He handed it to Hercules and then put on his vest.

"Where'd you find it? Autolycus stole it several years ago and no one has seen it since. Come to think of it, we haven't seen Autolycus either."

"Autolycus wouldn't happen to have thick dark hair, a mustache and a goatee, whould he?" Michael asked in curiosity. He was still working on a theory regarding how he got here. The way Bruce Campbell liked to steal scenes, he could very well be Autolycus.

"Don't go there," Kevin warned.

Michael opened his mouth to protest and then shut it. Maybe it would be better if he forgot about it. Hopefully, he would be home soon and it wouldn't matter anyway.

"Somehow it ended up in our property room," Kevin continued, "our property master gave it to us to use as a prop."

"Oh, that wouldn't have been good. What were you going to prop up?" Iolaus asked.

"Nothing." Kevin said loosing his train of thought. "I was trying to get it out of Michael's hand when we were suddenly transported here."

"Ah," he looked to Michael, "What were you going to prop up?"

"Do you know how it works?" Michael asked changing the subject.

Iolaus grabbed the Chronostone from Hercules' hand. "No one really knows how it works. The greatest sages have tried. The best they could figure out, is it works on thoughts. What were you thinking when you were transported here?"

"We were in the field, setting up to do a scene from our show..."

"Aphrodite said you were actors from the future. If it's your show," he pointed to Michael, "then the story must be about me? Finally....I get the recognition I deserve for all my good deeds." Iolaus said hopefully.

"Well, actually it's called Hercules: The Legendary Journeys," Kevin interjected.

"But I play an important part, right? I mean, what's Hercules without his best pal, his buddy in arms, his brother in spirit..."

"We get the picture. Yes, Iolaus. Your character plays an important part." Kevin grinned and patted him on his shoulder for reassurance. He couldn't believe how close to Iolaus' portrayal, Michael had come. The characterization was uncanny and creepy.

"So it works on thought waves," Michael continued. He was anxious to get home. "We were thinking of Ancient Greece and we were transported to Ancient Greece. So if we thought about home, we could get home."

"In theory, it should work." Hercules reassured. "Although I don't think anyone has gone this far into the past before."

"We don't have to click our boots and say there's no place like home, or anything like that?" Michael continued.

"Well, not unless you want to." Hercules said confused.

Kevin chucked to himself. Of course they wouldn't understand the reference to the Wizard of Oz.

Their conversation was interupted by a knock on the door.

"Iolaus," the voice beyond the door said. Michael cringed at the voice and Iolaus beamed. It was clear that Iolaus was as smitten with Breanna as she was with him.

"I'll be right there." Iolaus said and then turned his attention on the two strangers. "I think it's time you two get going." He handed the Chronostone back to Michael.

"Iolaus, what's going on in there?" Breanna asked concerned.

"Nothing...I'm just getting dressed." Iolaus said, lacking an original excuse for not immediately opening the door.

"Why Iolaus, I've seen you...you know...before. Why are you suddenly so shy?"

"Well, Hercules is getting dressed, too." Iolaus said and shrugged his shoulders.

"Oh, okay." Breanna said from the outside. There was definitely some uncertainty in her voice.

"You have GOT to get out of here." Iolaus breathed inbetween his teeth. Urgency was found in his voice and he bounced up and down in excitement.

"Kevin, I am kind of eager to get home.

"Not that it's not been nice to meet you and all. It's just, you know, we don't belong here." Michael said holding the stone out in an invitation for Kevin to touch it.

Kevin walked over to Michael. He wiped his hands on his pants and then touched the stone. The blinding white light exploded from the stone. The actors were engulfed in the white light. They thought they heard someone shouting as the light consumed them.

When the spots cleared, Kevin and Michael were standing in a field. The director was standing in front of them.

"Where have you two been?" he asked. They seemed totally confused and both actors missed their cues.

"You wouldn't believe us if we told you."

THE END

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