This story is not intended to violate any copyrights held by Renaissance Pictures, StudioUSA or any other entity involved with the making of "Jack of All Trades".
Author's Note: This is a short little piece of fluff which I couldn't resist writing. I know the Jack and Em are completely out of character. Sorry. I had an image in my head and a couple hours of spare time. This story has absolutely no substance or significance, it was just fun to write, so try to enjoy it!
Earlier in the day Jack had made the grave mistake of leaving the Dragoon's cape in the study. As his luck would have it Croque and Brogard took that opportunity for an unexpected visit. Luckily for them, Em had spotted the unmistakable crimson cape before the Govenor or his eagle-eyed captain. Thanks to her their cover was as secure as ever, but she was not willing to let the incident go.
She yelled at him for hours, and he shouted back with equal force. In the end, they both stormed out of the house, her out the front and him out the back.
He had gone to the beach to calm down before attempting to face Emilia again. He returned an hour later, somewhat subdued. To his suprise she was no where to be found. He calmly sat down in the study, assuming she was still coming to her senses somewhere. However, when two more hours passed he began to get worried. It would be dark soon and there was still no sign of her. Concerned, he went out to search for her.
He checked with Croque who said neither he nor Brogard had heard from her. He checked around the market place, asking Abdullah and every other shop owner he knew. They all denied seeing her. As day turned to night he began to be less concerned and more irritated. She's just doing this to get back at me, he thought.Fine be like that. At that he stormed back home.
He now sat in that study, fuming. It was nearly ten o'clock and Emilia was still missing. He hadn't seen her for nearly seven hours and his concern had long since ran out. Suddenly Jack heard the unmistakable squawk of Jean Claude and looked up to find him perched on the window sill.
" 'ello Jack," he said in his heavy french accent.
"What do you want," Jack asked grumpily.
"My aren't we in a mood. I am here about Madame Emilia. She needs your help."
All of Jack's faded concern quickly resurfaced with a vengeance. "What is it? Is she in danger? Is she hurt?"
"No, but I suggest you go get her before something does happen."
Jack listened in shock as Jean Claude told him where Emilia was, then he was immediately out the door.
Jack walked into the 'Drunken Pig' pub and scanned the room for his blond partner. Before he could see her, he heard an unmistable sound. It was her laugh, but higher pitched and slurred. It was nearly giddy. He searched the room for the origin of the sound. When his eyes fell on the large circle of men, he immediately rushed over. He broke through the circle to see a sight he didn't think was possible. There she was: completely drunk, surrounded by empty glasses and horny men. And to top it all off, she was smoking.
"Em, what happened to you?" he shouted as he sat down in an empty chair beside her.
"Oh, hey Jack. You know what? I think I finally figured out why you men drink this stuff so much," she said in her now heavy, slurred, English voice. She waved the half full mug of beer in the air, spilling some on her fingers. She put the drink down, and licked every drop of ale off the tips of her fingers, much to the delight of the drunken men hovering around her. She then took a long drag off her cigarette and blew the smoke in Jack's face.
He coughed and waved his hand to clear the smoke. "Since when do you smoke?" he asked in shock.
"Only when I drink," she responded with another drunken laugh. She took another drag, followed by a combination of belches and coughs.
"Oh that is so gross." He grabbed the cigarette out of her hand and put it out.
"Hey," she protested.
He then grabbed her hand and forced her to stand up. "Come on, I've got to get you home."
This apparently was not all right with Emilia's admirers.
A muscular man about five inches taller then Jack placed his hand painfully on his shoulder. "She's not going anywhere 'til she's good and ready."
Another man downed his beer and beat his right fist against his left hand. "Do you want us to take care of him?"
The entire group of men began to advance towards him. Jack swallowed hard, well aware that he could not take on this many drunken men. Luckily for him Emilia clumsily stepped in front of Jack and said, "It's okay fellas, he's fine." At this they backed away. She went to go sit back down, belching in the process and completely missing the chair. She landed with a thud on the sticky floor, causing the men to laugh and Jack to rush to her side.
You know if you were anyone else I'd be enjoying this a lot more," Jack said, attempting to lift her back to her feet.
"Ahh, that's so sweet," she slurred. She tried to stand back up only to fall again, this time hitting her head on the chair. "Owe."
"Are you okay?" Jack asked, tenderly touching the spot on her skull where a painful bump would soon be forming. "Em, you have peanuts in your hair!" Her luxurious blond hair was speckled with nuts and broken shells.
"Do I?" She broke into another round of giddy, drunken laughter as she unsuccessfully attempted to remove the nuts.
"Come on Em, lets go home," he asked again. This time he managed to get her to her knees. He knelt in front of her as he pleaded with her.
Then without any warning Emilia burst into tears and threw her arms around Jack's neck. This is just getting stranger and stranger. If Jack had thought seeing her drunk was odd, seeing her cry nearly killed him. "Jack I'm so sorry!"
"About what?" he asked confused.
"About earlier, our fight!" Jack had completely forgotten about their argument. She was still sobbing uncontrollably. He gently lifted her head off his shoulder and looked into her glazed, teary eyes.
"Don't worry about it."
"You can leave your clothes in my study anytime!" she said loud enough to cause a murmur of laughter among the men who were still watching. "Jack?"
"Yeah?"
"Can we go home now?"
He smiled and finally managed to get her to her feet. "You've got it sister." He helped her stumble her way out of the door and they headed home.
"Thanks for getting me out of there Jack," she said softly, putting her tea cup. She turned to face him as he picked the final shell from her hair.
"No problem, thats what partners are for," he responded. "You know you attracted quite a crowd at that bar."
"Did I? The whole night is sort of fuzzy."
"Well Pulau Pulau's most wealthy, blond, female, exporter completely sloshed, rolling around on the floor with peanuts in her hair tends to draw a crowd."
"I guess so." After a pause she leaned closer to him and softly said, "Jack?"
He inched closer to her before whispering, "Yeah?"
Their lips were only inches apart, and he could feel her soft, beer perfumed beath on his lips.
"I . . . I . . . I think I'm going to be sick." And with that she darted out of the room in a mad dash for the bathroom.
"Of course." He sighed before getting up to make sure she was alright. "This is gonna be a fun night."
"Hey, how are you feeling?" he asked as he poured himself a cup of tea and sat beside her.
"My head feels as if it was sat upon by an elephant," she resopned, her voice a bit raspy after the long night. "Well, now you know why I don't drink much anymore."
"I sure do. And what do you mean anymore? Are you holding out on me?" She had piqued his curiousity with that statement.
"Oh, it was nothing." She took a deep breath before telling the story. "The night before my wedding day I had an argument with my maid of honor and went to a bar. The next thing I remember I was on board a German fishing boat with a man named 'Squid'."
She averted his eyes as she finished the story. She couldn't believe she had just told him this, her biggest secret. How am I ever going to live that down? "Dear God!" he blurted out, stunned by this hidden side of his usually proper English partner. "I don't even want to think about where you could have ended up if I hadn't shown up when I did."
"Yeah," she sighed and took another sip of tea.
There was a moment of silence before Jack asked, "Are you sure you're okay? You had a pretty rough night after I got you home," he pointed out.
"I'll be fine." Emilia took a deep breath and smiled quickly before continuing, "Umm, I wanted to thank you about last night."
He waved a hand, dismissing this. "Hey, holding your hair was the least I could do," he said, referring to their long nite kneeling on the bathroom floor.
She laughed softly before correcting him, "Well thanks for that too, but it's not what I meant. I wanted to thank you for not . . ." she paused to consider the best way to put this, ". . . for not taking advantage of the situation."
Jack placed his hand over his heart sarcastically and pretended to be offended. "Do you actually think that I am the sort of man who would take advantage of a helpless, drunk woman?"
She shot him a questioning look.
"Okay I am that sort of man. But I couldn't do that to you."
"And why not?" she asked curiously.
"Well I guess I . . ." he lowered his voice and spoke the next part very quickly," . . . sorta respect you."
Emilia, knowing very well what Jack had said asked, "What was that?"
"Oh, no you don't sister. If you missed it the first time you're out of luck. Besides the main reason is that I knew if I tried anything you'd kick my ass as soon as you were sober."
"You better believe it," she said with a smile.
Jack lifted a finger and gently tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ear. "Hey Emilia?"
"Yes Jack?" she asked timidly.
"I missed a peanut shell," he stated. At her confused look he pulled a broken shell from the hair close to the nape of her neck. He held it up for her to see.
Emilia gave him and ice-cold glare, though she was secretly supressing a smile. She grabbed the shell from his fingers and threw it back in his face."
"Owe, that stung." he whined.
"Oh, really? Remind me to suggest that Brogard begin fighting the Daring Dragoon with peanut shells instead of swords."
"Well see, now you've made me mad." At this Jack whipped out a bowl of peanuts and began pummeling her with them. Under normal circumstances she would have been furious, but for some reason she just couldn't be angry. Instead she laughed and found herself participating in a childish peanut fight and actually enjoying it. The past 24 hours had just been full of suprises.
The End
