This story is not intended to violate any copyrights held by MCA, Universal Studios, Renaissance Pictures or any other entity involved with the making of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys or Xena: Warrior Princess.
It was a dark and stormy night. Salmoneus pulled back the window curtain and announced, “You know, it’s a dark and stormy night. Maybe no one will come.”
“They will. The Widow Twanky always puts on a fine show for the Widows and Orphans Fund.” Hercules announced.
“Who ever heard of a musical fairy tale, anyway,” Autolycus grumbled. He adjusted his brown, fuzzy ears.
“Where’s the fairy in this tale anyway?” he thumbed through the script, “Why, look it’s Goldilocks over there,” he pointed to Iolaus.
“Ha. Ha. Ha. You know, Autolycus? You’re a real laugh a minute. Tell me, Herc, why are we doing this again?”
“Because we all owe the Widow Twanky a favor. And she thought familiar names would bring a bigger crowd.”
“I don’t know why I have to be the mamma bear?” Salmoneus complained.
“Because you’ve got the stomach for it,” Autolycus answered. He patted Salmoneus on his stuffed, fuzzy abdomen, “and who ever heard of a baby bear with a mustache and a goatee? But at least I’m not Goldilocks.”
“Quit calling me that,” Iolaus protested.
“Well, that *is* who you’re playing,” Hercules admonished. He tugged at his costume.
“What’s wrong?”
“My costume seems to be a little tight in the crotch,” he answered.
“Oh dear,” the Widow Twanky empathized as she walked in to check on the boys. “Let me fix that for you.”
Hercules backed up as the widow lasciviously approached. “No. No. That’s okay. I’ll manage.”
“What ever you say, Hercules,” she sighed, “but I won’t be held responsible if the bear suit chafes and things start to swell.” She shook a finger at him.
“I’ll make sure to absolve you of all responsibility…”
“Salmoneus?” The Widow Twanky observed, “You look like you need some help putting on your false eyelashes.” He had one eyelash glued to his lower lid and the second one hanging half off the other eye. He blinked as it tickled his face.
With both eyelashes firmly in place, Salmoneus walked over to the stage curtain and peered out. The stage musical had evidently attracted the establishment of the village. He saw kings, queens and other notable figures. The entrepreneur barely noticed the orphans sitting patiently in the front row.
“I’m ruined!” he lamented poking his head back in, “did you see who was out there?”
“It’s a charity event, Salmoneus. You didn’t expect the poor to be attending, did you?”
“I’d much prefer they had. How do you expect me to conduct business with them after they’ve seen me dressed like this? Maybe they won‘t recognize me.”
“What are you talking about, Sal?” Auto said, wrapping his arm around the man’s shoulders. “They’ll recognize you by that brown nose,” Then he tweaked it.
“Ha. Ha. Very funny.”
Suddenly, a loud boom reverberated through the theater.
“Was that thunder?” Iolaus asked. The noise was quickly followed by commotion in the audience.
This time Hercules peered out.
“Uh oh!” Hercules said, “We’ve got trouble.”
“What’dya mean? We haven’t even gone onstage, yet.” Iolaus said, adjusting his long, blonde, pigtailed wig.
Peering back into the audience, Hercules could see several ruffians robbing the audience of their belongings.
“It looks like we’re being robbed.”
Three sets of eyes turned to Autolycus.
“Hey! Don’t look at me. I work alone.”
The din in the room was suddenly quieted as Widow Twanky opened the curtain.
“Looks like we’re going to be getting our curtain call a little early this evening.” Iolaus said. The audience gawked at the four on stage.
“Yep, looks that way,” Hercules responded as he jumped off the stage and started after a thief.
The leader of the miscreant band shouted, “Get them!” and then the fur began to fly.
Autolycus took off for the rightmost thief, as Iolaus, on the left flanked that side. Salmoneus hid safely behind a bed.
As the Widow Twanky flip-flopped down the middle aisle, she took down two thieves with her powerful kick.
Iolaus jumped one thief, obscuring his view with the wig and then pummeling him into unconsciousness.
Autolycus created a crude slingshot with his bear ears and brown nose, dispatching one thief by almost taking an eye out.
Hercules finished off the last thief with a good one-two punch.
When it was all said and done, the heroes were greeted with a round of applause.
“What do you say, gentlemen?” Hercules asked when the audience quieted. “The show must go on.”
The three men walked back on stage, only to get another round of applause an hour later.
