This story is not intended to violate any copyrights held by MCA, Universal Studios, Renaissance Pictures or any other entity involved with the making of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys or Xena: Warrior Princess.
Autolycus was eager to get to the next village and secure his next gem. He had heard the peridot pumpkin was traveling with its king to the village of Nicaea. He had already secured the peridot pear, but that wasn’t good enough. Autolycus wanted the whole fruit basket, including the green, gemmed gourd.
The king had a good day’s start on the thief, so in order to get to the village in time to secure the gem, Autolycus had to travel through a patch of woods aptly known as Thanatos Thicket.
The thicket was dark, deep and reputedly haunted. Not that Autolycus believed in such things. Sure, he dabbled in good luck charms and ritualistic ceremonies before a theft, but he didn’t believe in ghosts and he didn’t believe in haunted forests either.
As he moved deeper within the woods, silence ruled the thicket; eerie silence as twilight turned into night. To keep the silence from consuming him, Autolycus began talking to himself, “Haunted forest, my foot. Like what? A tree is going to run up to me and yell ‘Boo!’”. He waved his arms in spooky animation.
The thief was so busy entertaining himself with his witty repartee that he failed to notice the dense fog moving in until it almost enveloped him. Autolycus continued to trudge through the impenetrable fog and toward the village, or at least the direction he thought was the village.
A limb breaking from a distant tree suspended the eerie silence. Autolycus whirled around in the direction of the noise.
Nothing was there, but as suddenly as the fog appeared, Autolycus could see it rolling into the distance, only to be replaced by a bone chilling coldness. The thief shivered as he turned around and almost bumped into the door of a small wooden cabin. It seemed to appear out of nowhere.
“Okay, now that is strange,” the thief said to himself as he pointed to the small structure’s wooden door.
The old, dilapidated cabin with its unhinged shutters and graying wood looked deserted, plus it was a welcome escape from the cold, so Autolycus checked the door. It was unlocked. Cautiously, the thief opened the door and peered into the dark, dank cabin.
He was so intent on his careful inspection that he didn’t hear the two men approaching from behind.
“Trick or treat?” Iolaus said as he tapped the thief on the shoulder.
The thief jumped, causing him to bang his head on the doorjamb above the door. Hercules responded by trying to stifle a laugh.
“Aw, it’s you two,” Autolycus said in disappointment as he turned around and rubbed his sore head. “Welcome to my nightmare! What are you two doing here?” he asked.
Iolaus pushed his way into the cabin as Hercules explained, “Iolaus was late for a date.”
“Well, I wouldn’t have been late if you didn’t have to stop and put out that forest fire on the outskirts of Nicaea.”
“How was I supposed to know it was a controlled fire set to keep down the local pest population?”
“The villagers with the orange vests should have been a clue, Herc,” Iolaus said then turned to Autolycus.
“It seems Nicaea is infested with bedbugs. Very big and very hungry bedbugs. I wouldn’t suggest you go there.” Iolaus scratched absently.
“Yeah, thanks for the tip,” Autolycus said in revulsion.
"Sheesh, it's cold. Good thing this cabin happened along, right Herc?" Iolaus responded rubbing his upper arms as defense against the chill.
“I guess, but who would want to build a cabin here? It’s in the middle of nowhere.” Hercules asked.
“My guess is it’s someone who didn’t want the likes of Autolycus to stumble onto it and steal him out of house and home,” Iolaus jibed.
“Ha. Ha. Ha,” Autolycus laughed facetiously.
Hercules quickly found the hearth and began filling it with kindling. Arranging the stacks of wood for a more efficient fire, the demigod barely created a spark before a raging fire was going.
"Talk about your spontaneous combustion," Hercules said with a shrug as he put down the large flint and iron pyrite stones next to the hearth.
“Um…I think I solved the mystery of what happened to the owner. He bought the farm,” Autolycus said as he pointed to a skeleton posed in a chair opposite the fireplace.
“Huh?” Iolaus asked, as he turned around after warming his hands by the fire.
“How long do you think he’s been like that?” Iolaus asked.
“Well, somehow I don’t think it happened last night.” Autolycus answered back.
The skeleton had the tattered remnants of an old military uniform. Its origin was undistinguishable in the yellow glow of the firelight.
“Look, he's clutching a Carpathian dagger,” Hercules answered. “No one has used one of those to defend themselves in years." With the evidence of the dagger and the tattered uniform, the demigod determined he must have been Carpathian.
"Iolaus? Do you remember what the Spartans used to say about the Carpathian’s finest dagger?"
"Yeah, they said it was so dull, it couldn't cut butter. Guess that's why they lost the war. Poor soldier." Iolaus said as he shook his head, "but that war ended over 20 years ago. You don’t think he’s been here for that long, do you?"
"Could be." Hercules responded. "Well, it’s too dark to bury him now. It’ll have to wait until morning.”
“Works for me,” Autolycus answered never being one to share in menial labor. He joined the two heroes in front of the fire.
“Hey, Autolycus. You really jumped a ways when I tapped you on the shoulder, I didn’t scare you, did I?”
“Of course not!” Autolycus admonished. The thief’s shifting eyes told Iolaus the truth and he decided it might be fun to continue to torment the thief.
Autolycus sat by the fire. Even with the warmth of the blaze, Autolycus couldn’t rid himself of the cold that surrounded his bones. He looked back toward the morbid skeleton. “Can you at least put a sheet on him or something? He keeps staring at me.”
“How can he stare at you, Autolycus? He doesn’t even have any eyes.” Iolaus snorted.
“Well, if he did have eyes, he’d be staring at me.”
Hercules getting fed up with Iolaus and Autolycus' bickering, got up and pulled the sheet off the makeshift bed located in the corner of the room. He draped the dirty linen over the reclining skeleton. “Is that better?” he asked.
“Much. Thank you,” Autolycus said with saccharine sweetness as he exchanged an unscrupulous look with Iolaus.
Hercules stoked the fire as the thief began rifling through Iolaus’ haversack.
“What are you doing?” Iolaus asked grabbing the bag from the thief.
“I was hungry. Certainly the Human Garbage Disposal has something to eat in there.”
“Yes I do. But it’s not for you.” Iolaus admitted. “Helena packed some concoction she called gelatin for my trip.”
“Does he have a girl in every town?” Autolycus asked.
“Yep. Pretty much.” Hercules answered.
Iolaus pulled the gelatin out of his bag.
“It’s green,” Hercules stated.
“Yeah," the hunter said, "And before you say anything, it came that way.”
“It doesn’t look very appetizing, but what the hey?” Autolycus commented as he grabbed the congealed, green glob from Iolaus.
“Want some?” Autolycus asked Hercules, holding it in front of his nose.
“Um…No,” he declined.
“How about you?” he asked Iolaus.
“What do you think? After all, Helena made it for me. And I don’t remember asking you if you wanted any.”
Autolycus punched Iolaus in the arm. “Aw, you don’t have to. We're all friends here. I'll forgive your bad manners if he does,” the thief said as he pointed back to the skeleton. “Now we need a knife, and I left mine at home.”
“You carry a knife?” Iolaus asked, “Now I’m really scared.”
"I have you know I always keep a little protection around," Autolycus announced, "You never know when you're going to need it."
"And I'm sure all the women in Greece appreciate it, too." Iolaus added, "I would hate to think about a bunch of little Autolycaii wandering around the countryside." Iolaus shivered in mock horror. "What you ought to keep, Autolycus, is a 'get out of jail free' card instead." Iolaus teased.
"I have you know..." Autolycus began, but was interrupted by Iolaus.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. No jail could hold The King of Thieves. Can't you tell another story? That one's getting pretty old.”
Autolycus replied by returning a caustic look.
“Now, go get the dagger from Corporal Bones over there, will you?" Iolaus added.
When Autolycus got up and walked toward the skeleton, Iolaus leaned over to Hercules and smiled, "This is gonna be good.”
“You mean the gelatin?”
“Naw, it's green. How good can it be? No, watch carefully. I’ve been waiting for just this opportunity.” Iolaus pointed to the network of spider webs that covered the cabin’s floor.
Autolycus approached the shrouded skeleton. "Mind if I borrow this?" he asked as he pointed to the dagger in the skeleton's hand. As if on clue, the bony arm rose up as if to hand Autolycus the dagger. The thief jumped back in surprise and fright, falling against a wall.
Iolaus burst out laughing. "I knew he'd be scared out of his wits, Herc."
Hercules hid a laugh.
As Autolycus captured his breath again, he noticed the thin string of spider web that attached itself to the dead soldier's wrist bones. By lifting up on the network of spider webs, Iolaus had used the strong, organic filament to lift the arm of the skeleton just high enough to scare the thief.
"Why you," Autolycus threatened as he waved the dagger toward Iolaus.
"Ah, come on, Autolycus. It was just a joke. Sit down and have some gelatin. It's grreeeen."
The thief joined the two heroes once more. Eying Iolaus with evil intent, he handed the dagger to the hunter.
Iolaus cut off a piece of the gelatin and handed it to the thief. Autolycus sniffed the concoction first before taking a tentative bite of the green, jiggling and slimy substance.
Iolaus watched the thief take the first bite before the hunter deemed it was palatable. "Oh, good," he said relieved, "it's edible. Helena is an exquisite, young woman, but she can't cook worth beans."
After their meal of green jello, the three men decided to bed down for the night. Hercules put another log on the fire. Autolycus leaned up against the wall next to the hearth. Iolaus used his haversack as a pillow and settled down next to the fire. Hercules took his place next to the door. Soon, the silent night was replaced by the rhythmic snoring of Autolycus and the baleful hooting of an owl outside the cabin.
The thief woke up with a sick feeling in his stomach. Even his loudest snoring could not match the loud grumbling that was coming from his gut. He looked back at the lime green gelatin, and knew whom to blame for his misery.
He woke up Iolaus.
"Hey, Iolaus. You feeling okay?" he asked the sleepy man.
"Uh…yeah, at least until you woke me up. What's wrong?"
"I don't feel too good. I think I have food poisoning...from your green jello."
"That's gelatin. And I feel fine. Go back to sleep, Autolycus." Iolaus said sleepily, "Didn't your mother tell you that's what you get for..eating....desert.....before.....dinner,” he yawned, and then he was asleep again.
"No!" Autolycus admonished to himself as he regarded the dozing hunter. He tried to do as Iolaus bid, but his churning stomach kept him awake.
“I haven’t felt this bad since Iolaus made me eat that bag full of prunes. I have him to thank for that too." Autolycus mumbled to himself. "I hate prunes.”
Finally fearing his illness was getting the best of him, the thief decided to visit the outhouse.
"Coming through," he said as he tiptoed over legs, "Watch out. Coming through." He kicked at the long legs of the demigod, who was blocking his path to the door and the outhouse. "Move it, you hulking half-god." Autolycus pleaded.
"Wha....what's wrong," Hercules asked waking up from a fitful sleep.
"Autolycus thinks he's got food poison." Iolaus answered.
Hercules quickly moved out of the way as Autolycus bounced in place. As soon as the demigod moved, the thief was quick to grab the doorknob and rush out of the door.
"Do you think we should go check on him?" Hercules asked.
Autolycus ran around to the back, to where the outhouse was located. The fresh air seemed to revive the thief somewhat, and perhaps the cabin’s stale air instead of the gelatin was to blame for his sour stomach. He considered going back inside, but the call of nature still beckoned.
Autolycus began to franticly unlace his pants before he even reached the outhouse. Pulling down his leather pants, he tore open the rickety door, which was about off its hinges anyway. As he looked up, he could see two yellow, menacing eyes, close set and glowering at him. The evil eyes closed once before the beast pounced. Autolycus screamed.
Iolaus and Hercules heard the thief's startled scream, and ran outside toward the outhouse.
Both were surprised to see a black cat hanging onto the top of the thief‘s head, and Autolycus with his pants down. The King of Thieves waved his arms wildly trying to rid himself of the wild cat clinging to his head. Turning in circles and gyrating his arms in a frenetic dance, he bent down to swat the cat away, giving the two heroes a full moon, before he turned around again.
The black cat finally unsheathed his claws from the thief’s scalp and ran frightened into the thicket.
"Just what I needed to see, a full moon on a moonless night. Welcome to my nightmare, Hercules." Iolaus said as he trudged back to the comfort of the lonely cabin.
He mumbled to himself as he went, “Now I’ll never get back to sleep.”
Hercules turned back to Autolycus who, by this time, had pulled up his pants. "Just look at it this way, Autolycus. I'm sure the black cat was more afraid of you than you were of him."
He began to laugh as he followed Iolaus into the cabin.
THE END
