Welcome to this new article written by your fearful leader
now
Dr. Hitlerstein. I received my doctorate the same way many of you received yours...I bought it off the web. In this article we will tackle the ancient (if you count 50 years ago as ancient) art of Chaos Magick! I'm sure your asking yourselves ,"What is on the E! channel". But, for those of you who aren't asking that let me tell you a bit about Chaos Magick!
First thing is the word
Magick
must always be spelled with a "K". This is to distinguish it from stage magic, and to let little anti-social computer nerds feel like they're superior to someone as talented as David Blane. The next thing is the two words combined "Chaos Magick" must always have an exclamation point following it. I have no reason for this, but it does make the ritual of writing it seem more interesting.
Now some of you are asking, "How large is this guys penis?" But, for those of you who aren't let me tell you exactly what this new formulae entails. Chaos Magick! Is the ultimate in dorktum. It allows you to be so fucking weird that Tiny Tim wouldn't want to hang with you! It basically teaches people how to be so independent as to not even believe they are thinking or if they are here.
This may sound like Buddhism...and basically it is. But the chinks already cornered that market so we're gonna have to wrap it in some new clothing and give it a new name so Your fearful leader can make some money off of someone else' tradition. (By the way I'm fearful of being asked my penis size and what is on E!)
The forementioned was just said. So lets move on. I will now teach you all rituals that in reality don't work, but it's fun to read through shit you know is fake ( How do you think religion made so much money). This is a basic ritual to perform in your own home, or in public, or in that torture chamber you keep drunken midgets who are black nazi's and your gerbil.
The hooga booga lemme suck ya motha fuggin tis ritual:
First bath yourself in natural oils (as opposed to unnatural ones that come from your kurt kobain greased, haven't been washed in 50 days hair).
These oils can be found in only the most remote locations on the planet such as, "Bath, Body, and Beyond". Now that your cleaned you must enter your chamber, stand facing the east corner of your ritual chamber. Hold your balls in your hand and howl at the door knob. This symbolises me pulling your chain and causing influence over you with a cool name you never heard of. Next take out a pen, make sure you are not using invisible ink! Write me a check for $200.00 and send this ritual check to : P.O. Box 555 Cornhole St. DipshitWannabe, Tx 555-5555-55.
If you do this then your dog will stop licking his asshole, right before he licks your face.
I know this is a most powerful spell, and casting it can mean life or death. To do one wrong thing could mean the misspelling of an address which could cost me...and you in the end! Be careful my fearless followers, and remember bullshit can smell really nice when it's sitting in between Pam Andersons tits. But in the end it's still bullshit.
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