Christian Feminists an oxymoron
CONTROL -MANIPULATION & THE BIBLE
ABUSE WORKS BOTH WAYS
Control and abuse (destructive)
Using coercion and threats
- making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt him
- threatening to leave him, to commit suicide, to report him to welfare
- making him drop charges
- making him do illegal things
Using intimidation
- making him afraid by using looks, actions, gestures
- smashing things
- destroying his property
- abusing pets
- displaying weapons (such as knives)
Using economic abuse
- preventing him from getting or keeping a job
- making him ask for money
- giving him an allowance
- taking his money
- not letting him know about or have access to family income
Using emotional abuse
- putting him down
- making him feel bad about himself
- calling him names
- making him think he's crazy
- playing mind-games
- humiliating him
- making him feel guilty
Using gender privilege
- treating him like a servant
- making all the big decisions
- acting like the 'mistress of the house'
- being the one to define male and female roles
Using isolation
- controlling what he does, who he sees and talks to, what he reads,
where he goes
- limiting his outside involvement
- using jealousy to justify actions
Using children
- making him feel guilty about the children
- using the children to relay messages
- using visitation to harass him
- threatening to take the children
away
Minimising, denying and blaming
- making light of the abuse and not taking his concerns about it
seriously
- saying the abuse didn't happen
- shifting responsibility for abusive behaviour
- saying he caused it
Note: adapted from the original Duluth Wheel by laying out the text out in a
tabular
rather than circular format, and inverting gender-specific language.
to return to the article on the gender-polarization of the Duluth model. to see
the original,
gender-polarizing "Duluth Model" Power and Control Wheel.
Equality (constructive)
Negotiation and fairness
- seeking mutually satisfying
resolutions to conflict
- accepting change
- being willing to compromise
Non-threatening behaviour
- talking and acting so that he feels
safe and comfortable expressing
himself and doing things
Economic partnership
- making money decisions together
- making sure both partners benefit
from financial arrangements
Respect
- listening to him non-judgmentally
- being emotionally affirming and
understanding
Shared responsibility
- mutually agreeing on a fair
distribution of work
- making family decisions together
Trust and support
- supporting his goals in life
- respecting his right to his own
feelings, friends, activities and
opinions
Responsible parenting
- sharing parental responsibilities
- being a positive non-violent role
model for the children
Honesty and accountability
- accepting responsibility for self
- acknowledging past use of violence
- admitting being wrong
- communicating openly and truthfully
Note: adapted from the original Duluth Wheel by laying out the text out in a
tabular
rather than circular format, and inverting gender-specific language.
to return to the article on the gender-polarization of the Duluth model. to see
the original,
gender-polarizing "Duluth Model" Power and Control Wheel.
http://www.vix.com/menmag/duluwomn.htm
In dealing with abusive issues we see that
one major aspect of abuse is CONTROL the abuser has to feel as if he/she is in
control.
One of the major ways "control" is established is by MANIPULATION.
Webster (no, not the little kid on the show) says Manipulation is to manage or
control artfully or by shrewd use of influence often in an unfair or fraudulent
way.
How do we manipulate others especially ourselves.
A wife does it by several means. Crying can often be a form of it. If a woman
knows "tears" will get her what she wants, she can often turn them on as easy as
we turn on a facet. One problem men have is that tears often show real pain
which we need to respond to. This aspect is taken advantage of and it is this
part that makes tears unfair when used to get one's way.
Another way is the use of affection. We have seen cartoons that show the husband
in the doghouse or locked out of the bedroom. We know in that case any sexual
needs a husband has will not be met and more likely for several days. This
manipulation is often used to get our own way too.
Children can be used. A husband can be told he does not know how to deal with
the children and thus a wife can have her way of child rearing. It is very often
not a Biblical means when this occurs. God has given us each different ways of
rearing children and it is BOTH together that balances it out. Sort of like
being on a teeter-totter over a pool of sharks...would you want all the weight
on YOUR side? Or would you want to balance that board out so it is
even...remember, we may be tempted to want to have all the weight on the other
end but when the sharks have had dinner on that side...then all the weight is on
OUR side and guess who the next meal will be....
Folks satan is the shark and the board is God's ordained way of interacting with
each other)
Another major way of manipulation is the "D" word. How often do we use the
threat of divorce to get our way? We know they are the big guns so they often
work.
Another last ditch means of manipulation used and often it is used to "get even”
with one is false accusations. Often a person is accused of molesting a child or
of domestic violence as a trump card when we feel the marriage is already on the
rocks. It is used to assure us of getting the best possible results if a divorce
does occur. In most areas restraining orders can be obtained without any proof
of need... these too are major forms of manipulation...
However..please hear this...often these are really needed. I am not denying
that there is real abuse, that some of this really occurs, but when it is not
occurring and we use it...that is manipulation for us to get CONTROL
OK ladies...I know what you are thinking....and now it is the men's turn.
In order to be fair...I did ask my wife this question. Her answer was that men
could manipulate their wife in the same way as women do their husband. So
men...go back and read all of what was said above...it applies to US too... we
can withhold affection...especially touching, which often is so important to
women. Women need a special touch several times each day...a hug, a quick kiss;
Men need to hear that we are appreciated. (Actually it is nice for each of these
to go both ways)
Other forms of manipulation is to need to know everything...to read mail, to
know everything the other person does, including often listening on phone calls
and I have seen in other forums where a spouse has joined the same forums as the
other to monitor them.
On the other hand, it is also a form of control and manipulation to tell our
spouse NOTHING. To not include them on what we are doing. When we keep secrets
from our spouse we do cause problems that will tend to make them want to know
everything we are up to.
Money is a form. Not to be open and honest about the budget...to spend more then
we should yet holler like a banjee jet if asked about our spending. To set one
standard for ourselves and another for our spouse. To withhold money that is
needed or to expect funds that just are not there such as women needing that new
hair do when funds are not there...or men wanting that new "toy" that we just
can not afford.
There are other ways to manipulate.... These certainly are not all inclusive and
I ask each of you for YOUR imput... and this is not to say it is happening with
you but I do value the imput from each person. Please remember also.... I do not
have all the answers. It is my deepest desire to stop all the abuse each of you
may be experiencing even today. Perhaps by understanding it a little better, we
may be able to stop some of it.
I have presented the problem in this post.
In the next post I will be talking about why one may feel the need to
manipulate, what we may have done to encourage it and what "WE" can do about it.
Until then, remember control, manipulation and abuse works both ways. We often
do it to each other!
Manipulation is to manage or control
artfully or by shrewd use of influence often in an unfair or
fraudulent way.0
It resulted in the downfall of mankind.
Genesis 3
1 Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the LORD God
had
made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every
tree of the
garden?
2 And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of
the garden:
3 But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath
said, Ye shall not eat
of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.
4 And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
5 For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be
opened, and ye
shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.
6 And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was
pleasant to the
eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof,
and did eat, and
gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.
Often when asked, we would say the first sin was eating the forbidden fruit..but
is it the 'first'
sin? All sin comes from three root causes:
1 John 2:16
For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes,
and the pride of life, is
not of the Father, but is of the world.
We look, we see, we want and we take...it all centers on our own selfish wants
and desires.
Manipulation is the same thing. I contend that perhaps the first sin was PRIDE..
pride that was
ACTED upon resulting in eating the forbidden fruit. (see verse 5 in Gen above)
Adam and Eve
wanted to be like God...and is not this the same thing that caused satan's
downfall? (Isaiah
14:12-14) satan wanted to be as God. We are told that to think about a sin is
the same as
doing it in the Lord's sight but we know that it is dwelling on it that is
sin...not the fleeting thought
of it...
Why is this? Is it not that we are told that as a man thinketh in his heart so
he is? Our thoughts
do become actions if we think about it long enough. That is why Romans 12:1,2
tells us that it is
by the renewing of our MIND or changing the way we THINK... that makes us a
living sacrifice
wholly acceptable to God.
So if PRIDE is the root of sin...the and the root of manipulation and control..
what is the cure?
To determine this, let's first of all determine just what pride is. We know it
is one of the so
called deadly sin but in reality any sin is deadly. Sin has caused us to need a
redeemer. It
matters not which sin we did as all sin has resulted in the death penalty for
the sinner.
PRIDE...a) an unduly high opinion of oneself; exaggerated self esteem; conceit
b) haughty
behavior resulting from this; arrogance
Ahh this reminds me of: Proverbs 16:18 Pride goeth before destruction, and an
haughty spirit
before a fall.
Is not this what happened in heaven when a third of the angles fell? Is it not
what happened in
the garden? Is it not what far too often happens to US?
Sin has causes every area of human relationships to be defiled. Marriage is one
of the main
ones.
We have all heard of the "battle of the sexes" It is not a resent onset...it has
been going on
since man was cast out of the garden.
When God told Eve that her desire would be to her husband and her husband would
rule over
her...the war was on. You see, "desire' does not mean that she wants to do what
he wants...I
have heard some say the Hebrew indicates that she would want to rule him....(the
first feminist
movement?)
If pride is "an unduly high opinion of
oneself" we need only to remember Romans 12:3 tells us:
For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not
to think of
himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as
God hath dealt to
every man the measure of faith.
satan plays this trick both ways...this verse tells us to not think more highly
of ourselves then we
should...this indicates that we are suppose to have good self esteem, but not
more then we
should yet satan often tells us that any self esteem is pride and we then go the
other way and
debase ourselves, thinking we are worthless and no good. Both extremes are
wrong. That is
why it is so important to keep a balance in our walk with God.
In domestic affairs so often one "allows" manipulation because he/she feels
worthless and often
because they are told they are so often that they start to believe it. On the
other hand, often the
other person tells them they are because they have serious self -esteem problems
themselves so
they overcompensate by thinking more highly of themselves then they should.
satan does play
every low down dirty trick in the book and that is why we need to KNOW the Word
of God
so that these tricks will not work.
When we seek to manipulate others..it is often based on PRIDE. What is the
opposite of
pride? Would it not be humility..the state of being humble?
Humble: having or showing a consciousness of one's shortcomings; not proud; not
self-assertive; modest.
So then, what does the BIBLE tell us about this...thus about manipulation since
it is based on
pride?
Proverbs 16
18 Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.
19 Better it is to be of an humble spirit with the lowly, than to divide the
spoil with the proud.
20 He that handleth a matter wisely shall find good: and whoso trusteth in the
LORD, happy is
he.
Isaiah 57
14 And shall say, Cast ye up, cast ye up, prepare the way, take up the
stumblingblock out of
the way of my people.
15 For thus saith the high and lofty One that inhabiteth eternity, whose name is
Holy; I dwell in
the high and holy place, with him also that is of a contrite and humble spirit,
to revive the spirit of
the humble, and to revive the heart of the contrite ones.
16 For I will not contend for ever, neither will I be always wroth: for the
spirit should fail before
me, and the souls which I have made.
(you want the Lord's blessing in your life? Be humble)
Jeremiah 44
9 Have ye forgotten the wickedness of your fathers, and the wickedness of the
kings of Judah,
and the wickedness of their wives, and your own wickedness, and the wickedness
of your
wives, which they have committed in the land of Judah, and in the streets of
Jerusalem?
10 They are not humbled even unto this day, neither have they feared, nor walked
in my law,
nor in my statutes, that I set before you and before your fathers.
11 Therefore thus saith the LORD of hosts, the God of Israel; Behold, I will set
my face against
you for evil, and to cut off all Judah
Matthew 23
11 But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant.
12 And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble
himself shall be
exalted.
13 But woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye shut up the
kingdom of heaven
against men: for ye neither go in yourselves, neither suffer ye them that are
entering to go in.
James 4
5 Do ye think that the scripture saith in vain, The spirit that dwelleth in us
lusteth to envy?
6 But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but
giveth grace unto
the humble.
7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from
you.
1 Peter 5
4 And when the chief Shepherd shall appear, ye shall receive a crown of glory
that fadeth not
away.
5 Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all of you be
subject one to
another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth
grace to the
humble.
6 Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt
you in due
time:
We now have the problem. What then is the solution? Is it not hard to humble
ourself? Is it
not true that when we think we have obtained humility we no longer have it? Sort
of like saying
I am humble and proud of it? Since pride (I am not referring to self esteem) but
pride..a false
opinion of one's self is SIN... would not the use of 1 John 1:9 be in order.
Remember however
that if we go the other way to far...if we debase ourselves too much and feel we
are no good to
anyone..THAT is SIN too so back to this verse:
1 John 1
9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins
and purify us from all
unrighteousness.
And folks the BEST cure for my pride is found in:
Philippians 2
5 Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:
6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God:
7 But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant,
and was made in
the likeness of men:
8 And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient
unto death,
even the death of the cross.
9 Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is
above every
name:
10 That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and
things in earth,
and things under the earth;
11 And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory
of God the
Father.
My friend..do your knees bow to the Lord in humble adoration? to confess that HE
is LORD
and to TRUST HIM for your salvation if you have not done so already? Someday
EVERY
knee SHALL BOW...do it today while it is YOUR CHOICE.
Philippians 4:19 But my God shall supply
all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
We as Christains count on that verse...we cling to this promise. However, can we
not use it at times to try to manipulate GOD?
A long time ago in a state far away (Texas) ...my children were attending school
and of course it was a necessity for them to have lunch. Lunch costs $1.00 per
day. I often gave them $5.00 on Monday to purchase lunch for the week since they
could pay in advance. Once one of them bought lunch for Monday only and used the
rest for some "wants" read that greeds....
Yes God has promised us to meet all our NEEDS but so often we confuse needs with
our GREED'S.
Anyway...back to the story. Lunch IS a need for a child in school. Anyone would
agree with that and as his dad, it was my responsibility to provide for those
needs..BUT WAIT... were not his needs provided for that Monday? If he bought
"wants" instead of using the money as instructed was it my responsibility to
give him MORE money for Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday? Would I be seen
as a "bad" parent if I did not give him more money?
Folks, I think you see the picture here. In the above, the answer would not be
in "giving" more money but in allowing more "work"... to give him more chores to
do at home so that he could earn more money to be used for lunch.
You see, the Bible tells us a lot about STEWARDSHIP. (If anyone would like more
on this aspect, let me know) Stewardship is the wise use of the things God gives
us. It is not only about money but about other things...including our time.
God does promise to meet our Needs...He has been so wonderful in meeting
mine..even when I had turned my back on HIM...HE still met my needs and I know
it was HIM doing it. Most of the time He meets my needs by giving more overtime
at work even when there was little being offered. He has seldom used a "silver
platter".
We need to be wise stewards. To use the things He has given us for the use He
intended. This includes PEOPLE! He has given us our wives, our husbands. If we
try to control or manipulate them into doing what WE want...is that not misusing
what He has given us?
What about our CHILDREN? When we do not bring them up in the Lord...that is the
worst type of misuse of what God has given us that I personally can think of and
yet I am guilty as charged as I often did not do this to "keep peace in the
family" My children often "heard" what I believed but far too often they did not
SEE what I believed. One of my sons IS a Christian although he is not serving
HIM now. The other is not.
When a husband does not take the leadersip role in the home is he being a wise
stewart?
When a wife does not let him..is she being a wise steward?
Again, as has been said many times, husbands are to love their wives as Christ
loves the church. To not do so it to misuse what God has given us.
A wife is to submit to her husband. To not do so is to misuse what God has given
you.
However a wife can not make her husband love her. It has to be given. A husband
can not force submission. It has to be offered. We have to do OUR part even if
the other does not do their part. We are only called to be wise stewards of what
WE have been given. I am not called to be accountable for what God has given
you.
The bottom line and the orginal purpose for this post is to ask us each to
examine ourselves once again...to see if there is a chance that we many even
have tried to manipulate God.
Are we using the resources HE has given us for the reason He gave them to us? Or
are we misusing them and then going back to get our "needs" met when He has
already provided for them? In short...are you using the lunch money He gave on
Monday to get lunch for the week?
This message is not just about money...and I had no one in mind when writting
it. I confess that there have been many areas I have not been a wise stewart. It
is my intention to correct any areas I am lacking in now. It is also my firm
believe that this club can not advance and be all God wants it to be until the
leadership is all they need to be in the Lord. Every message I have posted in
this club... I have taken a double portion for myself. It is my commitment to
you that I will not ask you to do or take you places I am not willing to go or
do myself.
DADDY, please help us...help ME to be a wise stewart for what YOU have given
us...help me especially to be a wise steward in THIS club..to do what YOU have
asked me to do and only that to help lead your people in the direction they
should go. Help us only to point to YOU. DADDY there are so many hurting people.
Please help us to be able to give them the comfort You have given us. DADDY, we
ask also to show us where this club needs to be posted to bring those that may
not know you here so they may first of all find out how much YOU really LOVE
them and then to heal their hearts and their spirits in the name of our LORD
JESUS CHIRST...the LAMB of GOD that takes away the sin of the world.
Amen.
For the LAMB
Ken
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