How to Gain Status and Intimidate People

    Are you losing the race to keep up with the Joneses?  Or worse,
do you feel as if it just isn'tworth the effort anymore?  Don't be
discouraged.  Confidence is the key to success in any endeavor, but
achieving just the right balance of competitive desire and cool self-
assurance can be tricky.  So is projecting an image that will awe
your subordinates and mystify your rivals.  It's especially difficult
when your personal budget demands that you exist on a diet of baked
beans and generic cola.
    We think we've solved the problem with a list of tips that will
get your confidence level back up to par, at minimum personal expense.
Just remember that moxie can be as important as money when it comes to
looking good.

1.  Carry a foreign-language newspaper in your briefcase.  When sitting
at a bar, take out the paper and scan the pages with a serious
expression.  It's important to pick a difficult language for the gambit,
something other than French, German or Spanish.  Those could get you in
trouble if some exchange student calls your bluff.

2.  Keep an old telephone in your car under the front seat.  When
driving, hold the receiver up to your ear and act as if you were
talking to someone on the other end.  if stopped at a busy intersection,
roll down your window so pedestrians can hear the conversation.  Then,
in a loud, demanding voice, say things such as, "Tell Harris we need
that building!  Tell him to offer 50 million, straight cash, whatever
it takes!"

3.  Use expensive containers to dispose of household trash.  When you
visit a store such as Neiman-Marcus (we buy all of our pencils there)
pick up a couple of extra shopping bags.  Several times a month you
should fill one with garbage and place it on the curb with your other
household rubbish.  Make sure the name of the store is clearly visible
from the street.

4.  Wear T-shirts commemorating fantastic events of physical endurance.
Most towns now have these stores where you can print messages on shirts.
Simply order one up with the inscription, "Snow Madness Run, Butte-Great
Falls December 1981."  When people ask why they've never heard about
such a grueling race, say, "Oh, we only ran it once, 12 of us got
together and just went for it.  Never could get any sane group to
sanction it."

5.  Mount extra clocks on your office walls.  Label each one with the
name of an international capital (Lima, Bonn, Canberra) and check them
periodically when talking with a client.

6.  Keep mysterious items in the glove compartment of your car.  Instead
of the usual mess of tissues, loose change and old sunglasses, you
should have at least two of the following articles:  a slide rule, a map
of the London subway system, an English-Swahili dictionary, a small jar
of litmus paper or a prism.  When apassenger discovers the items, shrug
and say something like, "Oh, just some things for this project I'm
thinking about..." and then close the compartment smartly, to show the
conversation is not going any further.

7.  Print your own wine labels.  This is fairly risky and is a ploy that
should only be used when you really want to play hardball.
...Grab a few bottles of your favorite generic vintage from the local
Econo-Mart, soak the labels off and paste on your own.  Getting them
designed shouldn't be difficult.  Chances are that you know of a graphic
artist who's struggling to the same degree as yourself.  For a small fee
or a large lasagna, he or she can come up with a private reserve label
just for you, from folksy wine cellar to expensive foreign vineyards,
to suit any occasion.

*Jeffrey Shaffer and Suzy Blackaby, The Wall Street Journal, Nov 26 1984