Chapter 4
Shawn shivered, waking up from the cold air blowing on her. She stretched out, accidently grazing the sleeping body beside her. She turned. Howie lay there, his beautiful hair spread out on the pillow, his thick eyelashes fanned across his cheeks. She sighed with a sad smile, thinking how wonderful a relationship with Howie would be. All her muscles were sore from the workout and the events that occured before they fell asleep. It had been wonderful, and he had taken her mind off AJ...for the moment. Guilt flew through her body, landing in her stomach like a lead weight. She curled away from Howie, hugging herself wishing she could forget last night's events. It had been so good... felt so good... but now, the morning after, she felt terrible.
Grumbling to herself, she rapidly got up, grabbed her clothes from the night before and hurried from the room. She ran to AJ's room, using her key, and slipping in quietly. Judging from the looks of the room, AJ and Adrienne had either a.) gotten along really really well, or b.) he was really upset about Shawn and Howie. Empty drink bottles lay scattered carelessly across the floor. AJ's clothes lay here and there on the floor and his body lay almost lifeless, barely covered by the sheets in her bed. She crept in, putting her clothes down and grabbing a clean pair of pants, a clean shirt and some underwear. Before sneeking into the bathroom, she stopped, kneeling down quietly by the side of his bed. He was drunk, most definitly and would have a hell of a headache when he wakes up. Shawn resisted the urge to stroke his face, and headed back to the bathroom, where she took a quick shower and got dressed. After emerging from the bathroom, she looked to where AJ had been sleeping. He was gone. No where in sight. She mumbled and continued perfecting her appearance and headed downstairs to the breakfast lobby where she assumed the guys would be. She was right.
"Gooood mornin' Shawn!" Nick said perkily, bouncing up to greet her. He gave her a quick hug and sat back down.
"Mornin' Nicky." Shawn said with a small smile. Turning to the rest of the guys, she said, "Mornin' Kev, Bri, Howie, AJ..." She swallowed hard, seeing AJ's unhappy face. He wore his darkest sunglasses and merely muttered something that must have been a 'good morning' of some sort. Howie smiled uncomfortably and stood up. He walked over to where she stood and gave her a quick kiss.
"You left." He said quietly. Shawn nodded. "Why did you leave?" Shawn sighed, and motioned towards an empty table on the other side of the room. They sat.
"Howie, we need to talk. What happened last night was, amazing, I'll give ya that. But it was wrong." Shawn started...
"What was so wrong about it? I wanted it, you wanted it, we did it and now its wrong?" Howie asked, shocked.
"Yeah. Um, I was worked up about the AJ thing and didnt realize what I was doing. What I did last night was something I've wanted to do for a very long time and when I got the chance, I jumped at it, ya know? But now, I cant have a relationship with you while AJ is so angry with me. It will bother me and affect how much I can give to the relationship. Am I making any sense to you? Cause it is most certainly not making sense to me!" Shawn exploded, resting her head in her hands.
"I understand what you're saying, Shawn. But I dont agree with it. I like you, alot and I want you. And I want us to be together for more than one night. AJ will get over it. I know he will. He cares too much about you to let it interfere this much with his life. Please, just give me a chance..." Howie pleaded, his eyes searching her's. He reached out, grabbing her hands in his, gently running his thumb across her knuckles.
"Can I think about it?" Shawn asked, looking away from his eyes.
"Of course. Ride with me on the bus, though, ok?" Howie asked, almost begging to spend time with her.
"Ok." Shawn shrugged in defeat. She wanted to be with Howie, she thought, but AJ was her best friend. Could she handle this?
"Everyone here?" One of the body guards, Mike, asked stepping onto the bus. He did a quick head count. "Where's Howie?"
"Probably in the back screwing Shawn." AJ muttered bitterly. Mike shook his head and nodded an "ok" to a few guys waiting outside. Then the bus took off, heading for their next destination.
"All I'm saying is that I cant handle this stress! He is my best friend, Howie and I feel so terrible for making him mad! Cant you atleast talk to him for me? Please Howie?" Shawn asked, crawling on the floor infront of where Howie sat, resting her arms on his knees, looking up into his eyes. Just then AJ walked in, seeing Shawn on the floor, resting between Howie's knees.
"Oh, sorry. God, I'm getting pretty good at this interupting thing arent I?" AJ growled, turned on his heel and walked off.
"AJ!" Howie called out, getting up and running after him. Shawn crawled up on the couch and lay down crying.
"What?" AJ asked, his voice thick with tears.
"We need to talk." Howie said quietly.
"About what? You and Shawn? Yeah, congratulations." AJ spat out bitterly.
"Listen, man. Nothing is happening. I want to have a relationship with her, yes, but she wont until she knows you arent mad at her! And I swear, if I have to sit there and watch her cry because of you being a jerk to her, so help me God, I will hurt someone." Howie said, trying to keep the edge from his voice.
"I'm not mad at her! What makes her think that? And what the hell is she crying for?" AJ asked, still sniffling his own tears.
"You. She thought you had left for good and in that split second that she thought she'd lost you, she burst into tears. She sat there, slumped on the floor sobbing and crying out to me that you didnt love her anymore and how it was all her fault, and how she wished she had been in the car with her parents...thats what she was crying about." Howie said.
"Oh my God..." AJ said in a voice barely above a whisper. "Is she still in the back?"
Howie nodded. AJ walked to the back of the bus, slamming into a bunk as the bus hit a bump in the road. Mumbling a few profanities, he walked into the back room, seeing Shawn huddled on the couch. He slowly walked over, easing down next to her.
"I love you." AJ said. Fresh tears began to spring up in his eyes. "I always have. It just took me awhile to realize how much." Shawn sat silent, staring ahead, listening as he spoke. "I am still thanking God every minute of the day that you were not in the car with your parents. If you had been, I would have lost you forever and that would have killed me. But in a way, their death was a blessing. It brought you back to me. For these past years that I've been without you, I've been trying to fill this void within me, and for the longest time, I couldnt figure out what it was... or how to fix it. Until I saw you at the funeral. The moment I saw you, my heart went from void, to over-flowing, and that, my dear, showed me how much I love you." Tears were streaming down Shawn's face but she still stared straight ahead, not responding. "Say something, Shawn. Please."
"I have nothing to say to someone that claims to love me so dearly and then in two seconds time can say good bye without listening to my explanation."
"I only said good bye because I thought it would make you happy." AJ said in his defense. Shawn turned to him with a look of amusement on her face.
" And I suppose that me calling out to you, crying out to you the second you opened your mouth to say 'good-bye', me reaching out my arms to you as you fled down the hall way didnt in any way make you think that perhaps you saying goodbye doesnt make me happy?" Sarcasm dripped from her tongue.
"I wasnt thinking and in all honesty, I didnt hear you. All I could hear was my heart being ripped apart, torn apart and the sound of my own pathetic sobbing..." AJ said, feeling his heart bleeding.
"Dont you dare think that for one second I believe you and this load of bull shit you're giving me!" Shawn cried. "What kind of an idiot do you think I am?!" AJ was dumbfounded. She was never able to argue with him before. Proof she really had grown up. AJ didnt know how to respond, so he did the one thing he did know how to do... And that kiss was explosive. Her lips were even softer than they looked, and her tongue was like velvet. Shawn felt like her body was on fire. This kiss was something she had fantasized about since she was in junior high and had just learned about kissing. His lips were warm and gentle and his tongue was smooth and calm as it explored the deep recesses of her mouth and soul. His hands wound themselves in her silky hair and she sighed contentedly against his mouth. Her hands fanned out across his chest, up, along his neck, his cheek, down his back. His body responding to her every touch.
"Believe me now?" AJ asked deeply, gasping for air. His hand still absently stroking her hair. His fingers running along her lips. Shawn opened her mouth to answer him, but his mouth muted her response. He pulled back, gazing deep into her eyes. His dark brown eyes mirrored her feelings, water welling up in them, threatening to spill over down his cheeks. One tear trickled down, and Shawn leaned in to kiss it away, her own tears flowing down her face. AJ gently used his thumb to wipe the tears softly from her face.
"I love you Shawn." He whispered. Leaning in he kissed her again, their tears mingling between their tongues. Shawn's body trembled as she cried into the kiss, pouring out her heart and soul.
"Wait-" Shawn pushed AJ back, looking into his eyes for the answer she was afraid to ask. "What about Howie?"
"Ah hell Shawn!" AJ said exasperated. "Why do you even ask? What do you think I'm going to say? I'm in love with you for Christ's sake! I dont really give a damn about Howie now do I?" Shawn blinked at him, taken aback by his response.
"He's one of your best friends, Alex. You should care! I care about Howie. He was there when you ditched me. He took me in and made me feel worthwhile. Thats more than I can say for you. You walked away without a single glance back. He likes me a lot and he wants a relationship. You have yet to mention a relationship. What am I supposed to do?" Shawn said slowly and calmly.
"You know how I feel about relationships!" AJ cried, not feeling that this was a fair argument.
"So I guess thats my answer isnt it?" Shawn stood up to leave. "Good-bye AJ." She opened the door and walked out. Howie was in his bunk listening to CDs when Shawn walked up. She tapped him on the shoulder. He turned off the CD hopping out of the bed quickly.
"What happened? Everything fixed?" Howie asked concerned, looking frantically into her eyes trying to read her expression.
"No. Everything is not fixed. Its over. AJ and I are through. Can you just, um, hold me for a minute?" Shawn asked, new tears spilling down her face.
"Oh God, Shawn...I'm, so sorry." Howie whispered, pulling her close. "Maybe I should go talk to him myself now." Shawn shook her head, tightening her grip on him.
"Dont leave me just yet." She cried into his chest.
"But Shawn, he is my friend, I need to fix this." Howie said, gently pushing her away from him. She let go, feeling betrayed by both of them and quickly crawled into the bunk that had been assigned to her. Nick was in the one above her sleeping, or so she thought. He had heard the whole conversation and thought Howie leaving her right then was wrong, but he didnt want to let on that he knew. He opened the curtains that shut in the bunk and leaned his head over the side. Shawn jumped seeing the blonde head grinning at her. His hair stuck straight out from his face and she had to laugh.
"How's it going?" He asked happily. More tears flew from her eyes.
"Not so good, Nicky." She cried, turning away from him trying to hide her face. Nick felt a stab of pain go through his heart. He climbed from his bed and slid in beside her. He wrapped both arms around her and held her while she cried. She sobbed into his chest, soaking his shirt with her tears. But he just held her, listening to her cry, not saying a word. Howie and AJ emerged from the back room, things cleared up between them. AJ looked for Shawn to clear things up, but couldnt find her. All he found was Nick... in Shawn's bed! AJ turned to Howie, motioning to the bed. Howie shrugged. Then they heard the sobbing and AJ collapsed on the floor, his heart tearing apart listening to her. Howie reached a hand down to comfort his friend. AJ hit it away and curled up as best he could, trying to hide his own tears. He never cried this much. Being on the road was starting to get to him. Nick stirred and the guys quickly got up and left the bed area.
"You ok?" Nick asked quietly. Shawn looked up into his beautiful blue eyes.
"I'm as ok as someone can be having just lost two of her closest friends." Shawn replied with a half hearted smile.
"I'm still here." Nick said. "I have no idea what happened but there is nothing you could do to make me turn away. Friends are friends. Nothing changes that."
"This might." Shawn said as she gently pressed her lips against his. A shudder ran through his body. His arms tightened around her as the kiss deepened. She tasted of salty tears and fresh mint from the gum she was chewing. She smelled like a woman and that was enough to knock a man out. Nick ran his hands down her back, caressing her body.
"I've been waiting for that since you showed up." Nick laughed. Shawn smiled. Nick was cuter than she had thought. He was big and strong and she felt so safe in his arms. Maybe this is the way it was meant to be... Shawn drifted off to sleep, dreaming of AJ and the way his body had always been the one to shelter her, and this new body that was here to shelter her now...
