For friends and family of somebody who lost a child...
Losing a child, whether in the first trimester, at birth, or long after, is a devastating experience. If you have not personally lost a child, you cannot possibly know what is feels like. Sure, you can imagine what it would be like, but that is not the same. Before I lost my Gabriel, I thought that having a miscarriage was very sad, but not until now can I understand that kind of pain. And even though I have gone through it, I still can't possibly know what others may feel I have gathered many poems and quotes written by mothers who have lost a child. Please read them for they will help you to gain a better understanding of what most mothers wish for. (I have linked the titles to the sites in which I found the writing.) by Johanna I wanted her. Please don’t say the next one will be normal, she was normal, her disease was abnormal. Please don’t tell me everything will be all right, it’s not alright, she’s not here. Please hug me when the tears come, without any questions why I am crying. Please talk about her with me when I bring her name up. Please don’t feel awkward when I show you her pictures and the baby things I saved. Please don’t tell me that time heals, it can never heal this wound. Please treat her as our daughter, we may have had her for only a few months but she is still our daughter. Please don’t ever forget, Ashley Anne. I Am Her Mother By Joan Vander Male Do not judge me for what I have done For you have not walked in my shoes She was not your daughter You did not love her and long for her As I did and do and always will You did not feel her and plan for her And know her and promise her that You would always take care of her As I did She was my daughter You did not hear the doctors say That she would be sick That she already was sick And that she would be sick until The day she died You did not pray to God that the Second ultrasound would confirm Your hopes that she would be healthy You did not see the tear In the doctor’s eye when he Confirmed the diagnosis You did not pray to God for Her to never have to suffer For him to take her to Heaven Where there is no pain You did not feel her pain I did I am her mother When you simply said to me That I don’t have the right To take her life I know you did not feel my struggle When you simply said to me That I have to take her life For her to happy I know you did not feel my struggle I do not know what God wanted for her I do not have His wisdom And neither do you I know that He loves me I felt His love through the people He have me I know that God did feel my struggle All I ask from you now Is that you pray for my daughter And do not judge me for what I have done For you have not walked in my shoes I am her mother From A Time to Decide, A Time to Heal Author Unknown You say to me, "It's been a year, when will your grieving end?" "Why can't you be like you once were, my smiling happy friend?" If you really want an answer, though, I wonder if you do, I'll take you deep inside me, where sadness dims the view. First, my "friend", for your sake, come close and take my hand, And we will pray that what I share, you won't have to understand. The me you once knew is no more, it died with my child, A voice was stilled forever, yet, the echo drives me wild. You say you lost Aunt Betty, so you have known death too, aunt Betty, however, was not your child, and she was eighty, not twenty-two I barely survived those first months, coping was a dreadful task, I'd tell you I was fine, while sobbing behind my mask. If I talked about my precious child, you turned away in fear, You couldn't stand to see me cry, nor would you share my tears. I wanted to speak of her, please, won't you say her name? But, you pretend she never was, so she died over and over again. Oh, I see that you're uncomfortable, you no longer want my hand, so as it was before we talked, my "friend", you don't want to understand!
A Bereaved Parents Wish List Author Unknown I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her back. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you also. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child, and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you; but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favorite topic of the day. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you, too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over. These first years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die. I am working very hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover, I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that she is dead. wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or to "be happy". Neither willhappen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself. I don't want to have a "pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you. When I say, "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky. Your advice to "take one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again. I wish very much that you could understand ~ understand my loss and my grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT. . . I pray daily that you will never understand.
~Nancy Williams~ may bring tears to my eyes But it never fails to bring music to my ears If you really are my friend please don't keep me from hearing the beautiful music It soothes my broken heart and fills my soul with love. Dear Friend: Written by Elizabeth Dent Go ahead and mention my child, the one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further, the depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry, I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I'm trying to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, pretending he didn't exist. I'd rather you'd mention my child, knowing that he has been missed. You asked me how I'm doing, I say "pretty good" or "fine", but healing is something on-going, I feel like it will take a lifetime. Just Say "I'm Sorry" --Gail Fasolo-- You don't know how I feel; please don't tell me that you do There's just one way to know--have you lost a child too? "You'll have another child"--must I hear this every day? Can I get another mother, too, if mine should pass away? Don't say it was "God's will"--that's not the God I know. Would God, on purpose, break my heart, then watch as my tears flow? "You have an angel in heaven--a precious child above." But tell me, to whom here on earth shall I give this love? "Aren't you better yet?" Is that what I heard you say? No! A part of my heart aches and I'll always feel some pain. You think that silence is kind, but it hurts me even more. I want to talk about my child who has gone through death's door. Don't say these things to me, although you do mean well. They do not take my pain away; I must go through this hell. I will get better, slow but sure--and it helps to have you near. But a simple "I'm sorry you lost your child" is all I need to hear. The Anniversary Elizabeth Dent Let me be sad today, give me this day to mourn. It's the date my little son died and also the date he was born. Let me think back to his birth, the fear of viewing him, dead. Memories of holding him close, and cradling his little head. Allow me to visit his grave, to let a few balloons go. To place flowers lovingly, and trim the grass that does grow. Allow me tears to cry, love fills my heart to the brim. Spilling it on those close by, while always longing for him. 
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