When survivors give statement to their experience of sexual abuse it does more to raise consciousness than merely trying to force society to do better. Often as survivors we are critical of the legal system or child protection, or the education programs that are designed to teach and protect children because we think they could do it better, different or more effectively. There needs to be more focus on the people who are abusing children; their insight, healing and voice are imperative to healing and preventing child sexual abuse. The exclusion of those who abuse children in the process of healing and prevention needs to be ended. When we look at the sexual abuse experience, we often overlook the fact that the abuser is also experiencing the sexual abuse. Both the abused and the abuser have first-hand knowledge of what the experience means to them personally. Each of them comes to the situation with their own unique histories and vulnerabilities. Each of them has a different way of seeing and formulating what the experience means for them in that moment and in the future. Each is feeling the impact of sexual abuse on their life and their spirit. Likewise each of them has an opportunity to bring this understanding into the healing arena so that we may all learn and heal. During the experience of abuse, abuser and abused are connected in powerful ways on many different levels. Like it or not, this connection does not end when the sexual situation ends. In this connection is an opportunity for greater understanding and healing for the abused and greater insight into the pain of abuse for the abuser. This is an opportunity for us to understand better what is the cost to both of us. Ending sexual abuse in our society cannot happen until we all heal the abused and the abusers alike.There is an opportunity inherent in having had the experience of sexual abuse, either as the abused or the abuser, to take what has been learned and bring it to others in order to increase healing and understanding for society and between the abuser and the abused. It is also an opportunity to take the challenges inherent in healing painful sexual issues, integrating them, and recognizing the potential for our experience to help others move forward in their own healing. Each layer and aspect of healing has its opportunity to teach another person. Taking the opportunity to give voice to the pain of sexual abuse in a manner appropriate to our individual level of safety, support, healing and willingness is a choice that all survivors can make in each stage of their healing. Whether they choose to speak in support groups, within their families, or in a political or creative act it is powerful and courageous and it benefits us all.
The occurrence of sexual abuse cannot be truly understood by anyone who has not experienced it, each individual survivor and each individual abuser experiences the instances of abuse differently, each has different symptoms, reactions, and coping mechanisms. There is no other person in the world that experiences it just as they do. Both survivor and abuser are aware of the effects of sexual abuse on their relationships: personal, familial, and social. They are aware of the cost to them to participate in the craziness of the dysfunction of sexual abuse or people dynamics that often surrounds the abuse situation whether it is within a family or another type of system. The cost continues throughout a person’s life and is re-visited at various ages, events and developmental stages.
As survivors or abusers we are more sensitive to situations and behaviors that send off an inner alarm for us this insight can protect others if we choose to speak up.
Likewise people who are attracted to and who abuse children are able to recognize situations, behaviors, and potential risks for children.
As survivors and abusers we are aware that words and prejudices do harm and create isolation making it more difficult to seek healing within our communities and families. Feeling isolated can delay healing and perpetuate abuse.
We who have experienced abuse are examples to others of healing in action. Our journeys teach the ways of overcoming painful and seemingly insurmountable issues. We are examples in a cultural environment that does not completely understand, acknowledge, or accept that sexual abuse is happening frequently, with far reaching and painful implications for all; in the present, future and for generations to come. History has shown us that speaking the truth may bring negative reactions and consequences for those with the courage to give voice to any issue that is unpleasant or does not fit in the worldview of playing nice. Likewise each act of truth telling and taking action may seem to have no apparent or significant effect yet, each action builds on the other and progress is made even if it seems there is no advances being made. Each of us with an experience of abuse whether it is the person abused or the abuser has the opportunity to bring forth greater understanding of what it means to work to heal the complex issues of abuse. When we recognize that abuse is something that has happened to us or something that we have forced on another rather than something that defines us as humans we have taken great steps in the healing and prevention of sexual abuse for all.
We must change our attitudes and our willingness to face our squeamishness about the sexual abuse of children and we must talk about sex and sexual abuse openly, frankly and without the shame that is often attached in today’s culture. We must work to develop a language and definition of child sexual abuse that is clear to the legal, education and familial system. We need to be clear on acts of abuse that are not punishable by law but still are harmful. We need statutes that are the same in each state so there is no doubt about the age of consent or what constitutes child sexual abuse. We need to all be educated as to the extent of child sexual abuse in our society. We need to know who is the abuser, how many are abused, what are the effects of abuse, how and where does abuse happen? What are the near and far-reaching impacts on the survivor, the abuser, and the community? We need to make this information accessible to all through public education. We need to insist our lawmakers, teachers, doctors, and clergy are more than superficially educated about sexual abuse, education needs to be complete and accurate.
We need to be able to recognize and protect children at risk. We need to be able to identify high-risk situations and we need to be able to assess behavior that crosses the line and is abusive. We need to have a place to ask if we do not trust our own perception of a situation.
Survivors of abuse are necessary to this process their voices vital this is the opportunity inherent for those of us who have survived child sexual abuse.
If you missed the first part of Jacque's abstract, you can find it at The Bridge
Jacque Davis is married with 3 wonderful children. She enjoys weaving, creating art, writing fiction, and marathon walking. She works as a hospice volunteer and is also a volunteer for Leukemia Lymphoma Society Team in Training by helping people train to walk marathons to raise money for Leukemia research and patient support.
She has an extensive personal history of sexual abuse that has shaped her life in some miraculous ways.
She has a Bachelors degree Transpersonal Psychology and also works as a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist helping people to find their inner resources for healing life issues such as sexual abuse, terminal illness, and trauma. Her favorite work is helping the dying to make peace with their life and their death.
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