WHEN DOES THE ABUSE STOP?
NOT AS AN ADULT!
AFTER THE GRAVE?

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How much are children suppose to take from their parents? When are we suppose to put our foot down and say, "Enough, already?"

True, we allow it by either fighting with the parents or by ignoring them. The parent or parents will continue to torment you one way or another. My problem being that I understand why my mother is the way she is. Now, she is REALLY dying and my feelings are basically nothing one way or another. The only thing I really feel is that my sister will find peace of mind, maybe.

Mother was SOLD as a four year old. Her adoptive parents were professionals. The dad really loved her but the mom hated her. Even though they could hire help, mother was made to scrub floors on her hands and knees. She was beat until blood came on her back. (I am really thinking about going into more details later.) She married at seventeen to a poor guy and he was a POOR guy when she got though with him. She had reasons for being so bossy, so hateful, he was not and never was the great husband. However, after moving to Texas away from relatives, daddy tried but she never forgave him even as he lies in the ground she still curses him.

My sister has much bitterness toward my mother. The sister has done everything for her that money can buy. She has tried to do and be everything mother wants. My brother stays away and I don't travel to see her often. However I do call often. She will tell us how sorry, good for nothing our children and grandchildren are. This is not true. She has raised her four children to respect others, to do the "right" things, to financially take care of themselves and others, etc. She succeeded very well. She stood by us if we failed. However, we all have been cussed at, put down and the list goes on and on.

Mother doesn't really even know her grandchildren because my children refuse to listen to her rave on about others. But, to hear her tell it, she knows them inside and out. She told my adoptive children things about their bio parents that there was no need for.

I am not bitter. I have grief over knowing things about her past, that she has not been happy, never wanted children and hated my dad. My brother went to see her today for the first time in about four years. They had a wonderful visit mother said. I am glad for her, but you know what? She has everyone at her beck and call because she is dying. She probably will live another ten years still dying. We all are dying daily, however, she truly doesn't have long and my children will be going to see her next weekend with me. I will stay for awhile to give my sister and her family a break.

While mother has been a good mother in some ways, the abuse will linger for years to come if not in her children, in their children's minds. I have tried all of my life to not do the things I didn't like in her. My children say I have succeeded. I hope so, but there are times I see her in something I say or do. The main difference in mother and myself? God. He lives in me, I lean on Him. I can do nothing by myself. I am so sorry mother felt she couldn't go to church because she wasn't good enough and didn't want to change. I am sorry she doesn't truly know His grace and forgiveness. I have tried to tell her, but I know nothing, she has more religion in her little finger than I have in my whole body. LOL So, mother, what is religion, how about faith?

Barbara Vanover is the mother of 5, grandmother of six and a special education teacher. She is a survivor of physical, mental and sexual abuse as a young child and young adult as well domestic abuse during her first marriage. She tries to use her experience to help other young women although she also depends on others to share their thoughts and etc. God has given her the grace to have some understanding of those who have hurt her and for her not to be a bitter person and she choses to dwell on the best in people. However she says, " It is not easy nor sometimes profitable." Writting is a way to release and sort through the past.

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