FORGETTING UPBRINGING TO BE FREE OF PAIN

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By:Barbara Vanover

By getting married at almost nineteen, being a virgin and refusing to listen to the subject about the "birds and bees" from my mother, caused me three years of hurt, pain and heartache.

Mother did and still does love to talk about what in those years was called "perverted." I was raised Catholic, but my parents were not active. The abuse at home was mental and physical and the abuse by friends of the family, sexual.

I married not for love but for pity. The guy turned out to be "different." Not knowing anything but abuse and being raised not to divorce, I continued for three years in a marriage of physical and sexual abuse.

My July 4th freedom call was when a two-year-old boy I was raising jumped on my husbands back and told him to quit hurting his mom. If a two year old (a cousin which my second husband and I later adopted) had the sense to understand what was going on, what was my problem? I left, got a divorce but went back to live with him for about six months. This was because of my religious background. Later, after becoming a southern Baptist, I was told that God doesn't expect us to be a doormat. He expects us to use common sense.

My second husband and I will celebrate our 39th anniversary this month. We have had several years of turmoil. He has been my friend for 48 years. And the last 14 years of marriage has been more successful.

When will my 4th of July be from my mother? I like to think it will be when she goes to the grave. I feel sorry for her, her life has not been easy from start to finish, but we have a choice to choose to be unhappy or happy. I chose happy. It is sad that the abuse of the past can injure our present and future. It does, but we can chose to think mostly about the good.

"I can do all things though Christ who gives me strength." Phil. 4:13

Barbara Vanover is the mother of 5, grandmother of six and a special education teacher. She is a survivor of physical, mental and sexual abuse as a young child and young adult as well domestic abuse during her first marriage. She tries to use her experience to help other young women although she also depends on others to share their thoughts and etc. God has given her the grace to have some understanding of those who have hurt her and for her not to be a bitter person and she choses to dwell on the best in people. However she says, " It is not easy nor sometimes profitable." Writting is a way to release and sort through the past.

If you would like to comment on this piece please send by way of an email to Survivor Haven

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