Ghosts In The Bedroom

A review
By: Sue Marquette Poremba

The near-collapse of my marriage was the incident that was the push I needed to deal head-on with my childhood sexual abuse. Before our first meeting with our therapist, my husband and I went to a local bookstore in search of books to give us some understanding on what we would be dealing with emotionally and psychologically. Initially, he was helping me find books for survivors, but in his search, he discovered Ghosts in the Bedroom: A Guide for Partners of Incest Survivors by Ken Graber.

The book is written by a man whose wife is an incest survivor. He states immediately in the book that while he knew about the incest early on in their relationship, he didn’t think it was a big deal because his wife seemed fine. But when she had a meltdown after the death of her molester, he felt overwhelmed and at a loss for what to do or where to turn for help. It was this experience that led him to write this book.

The most impressive thing about Ghosts is that it is not written for academics or in technical jargon. It is meant to be read by the average person who sincerely wants to help the one his/her significant other. The tone is conversational and sincere.

My husband began reading the night we bought it, and it was like a light bulb going off over his head. He kept telling me that he finally understood me and some of my odder behaviors. For example, I tend to pick at scabs until they end up scarring. My arms and legs are riddled with these scars. The picking drove my husband nuts, and whenever I’d do it, he’d demand to know why I kept doing it. I didn’t know, I’d say. I couldn’t explain it. But this book did, very clearly. It’s a way to bring the internal pain to the surface, the author explained. That was just one of many revelations the book provided for my husband.

Not only did my husband learn about me, but he learned about himself by reading this book. Graber suggests that partners of incest survivors also follow patterns, for example, that the partner also has suffered from some type of abuse or dysfunctional behavior in their childhood. Furthermore, the book provides solid advice on how to deal effectively with survivors, especially while they are going through recovery. He emphasizes the need for the partner finding his/her own support network to lean on during this time.

I decided that I, too, wanted to read this book. I wanted to know why he reacted to it the way he did. It took me about a day to finish (the book is less than 200 pages long and very easy to read). My husband had highlighted passages that he thought fit me, such as addictions and obsessive/compulsive behavior, and some passages that he thought fit us as a couple.

After I read the book, my husband and I had a long talk. Graber freely admits that his premise and research covers as much as possible, and that survivors will not have all of the reactions or issues that he describes. So it was important for me to tell my husband things from my point of view, then hear things from his point of view. Graber is so passionate in his desire to help partners understand that I think he at times over-simplifies his discussion, and I felt there were times that Graber over-generalized. But in the long run, those are minor points. Ghosts in the Bedroom does a great service to both survivors and their partners. As a survivor myself, it is a great relief to know that my husband truly understands. And my husband is relieved to know he has a guide at his finger tips to coach him when he needs help through the rough spots.

Sue Marquette Poremba is a a freelance writer in central Pennsylvania, married with two children. Her writing is eclectic, but she focus on articles on parenting, travel, and presidential history, plus fiction. She has a web site focusing on the men and women who live in the White House, www.presidentsandladies.com, and she writes a column called Parents of Athletes for Suite101.com.

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