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A HUNGER TO BE FREE
As frustration and self-hatred builds, the hungrier I get! I go to the
kitchen and take out the cookbook. Chocolate chip cookies might make me
feel comforted and the kids love cookies. I enthusiastically call the
girls, "Come on, let's make some cookies!" I enjoy spending time with my
small daughters mixing and baking. By the time the smell of cookies is
filling the house, my mouth is watering with anticipation. There's a lot of
dough here that needs to be cooked so I'll be in the kitchen for a while.
By the time the first batch is finished my appetite is at an all time high.
I think that I'd better just have one cookie since I am watching my weight.
Then another and another! Ooohhh, now my stomach is beginning to churn and
I'm feeling nauseated. I'm sick with guilt. Just this once, I'll make
myself throw up. I won't keep doing it.
I sneak into the bathroom and puke out the now very unappetizing
ingredients. I blow my nose and wash my face before going back out, hoping
that the girls won't notice anything. Now that I'm not full anymore, maybe
I'll have just one more cookie...
All the food in the world can't fill the deep pain-filled void inside of me.
Maybe one day I'll quit hating my stomach; quit hating myself...maybe
someday I'll have the courage to see what is really wrong. And, then with
God's help, I'll be free.
Leslie Shaw is a freelance writer residing in Northern Arizona. Her passion
is to see healing come to victims of abuse. As a young mother she struggled
with bulimia. She and her daughters (now adults) suffered through the
horror of incest and are continuing to seek healing and wholeness as a
result.
She is a current member of Christian Writer’s Fellowship International. Her
work has been published most recently by Guideposts and at WWW.FitnessHeaven.com. Fitnessheaven.com is one of the top ten health
and fitness sites on the web.
Leslie is working on a book for mothers of sexually abused daughters with
the purpose of restoring the fragile mother-daughter relationship. If you
would be willing to participate in an interview by e-mail for research being
done on the book, please write to her at LDShaw@commspeed.net.
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