By Carol Y. Huber
Many of us are probably following the scandal surrounding the Roman Catholic Church’s problems concerning priests committing sexual abuse, especially of children. It’s a horrible situation and the alleged cover-up makes it even worse.I have some ideas on how it got so bad. The Catholic Church has made it part of their doctrine that priests are necessary to intercede between the people and their God. Not surprising, it’s fairly standard operating procedure to make a power structure indispensable to those who support it. However, that tends to create blind spots about the priesthood.
It is my opinion that (at some point) a belief was created/accepted that priests are somehow better than others. Apparently the priesthood believes it also. They have been unwilling to admit/acknowledge that some of those accepted into the priesthood aren’t good priests, at least not in any sense of the word that I agree with. Sexual abuse needs secrecy to thrive. The Roman Catholic Church hierarchy has provided this in abundance.
Actually, I can think of one other scenario in which it would thrive. That would be where it is considered normal and acceptable behavior. To me, that’s far worse.
I’ve noticed that there has been a vast silence on the part of the clergy of other faiths and beliefs during the past several months. Perhaps I’m cynical but I’m guessing that a major part of this is the hope that journalists and law enforcement will keep their attention on the Roman Catholic Church and not look elsewhere to see if the problem is a multi-faith one.
What has this to do with Pagans? Theoretically, most Pagans societies and groups don’t have the kind of power structure or hierarchy built into Catholicism. That doesn’t mean that individual pagans don’t commit sexual abuse – sometimes while acting in a capacity as priest(ess) or healer.
About 6 years ago, I suffered a very bad mental/emotional breakdown. Considering the memories that have surfaced since then, I’m not surprised I was suicidal. After repressing them for so many years, I would have done anything to avoid facing what I survived as a child. Between (what some part of me knew) was locked away and what I believe was foresight of what it would take to face and accept my past, I don’t blame myself at all for trying to opt out rather than deal with it. That it ended up not being an option is another story.
About a year and a half after I chose instead to heal, I met a man who was Wiccan. I talked to him about some of what I was going through. He offered, as a healer, to help me. He invited me over to his place and I went. I had reservations because of some things he had said but I ignored those feelings. I trusted the healer aspect, if not precisely him to avoid causing additional harm.
We started talking. However, he also started trying to kiss and fondle me. I told him I wasn’t interested and asked that he stop. He told me that he could feel (empathically) that I really and truly wanted sex even though I said I didn’t, which confused me. I knew how badly fractured I was as a child and how few of the pieces had been put back together. Was I sending out some kind of unconscious signal?
To this day, I can’t swear that some fractured and sealed off part of me didn’t. I doubt it but I can’t swear to it. I told him that regardless of whatever he thought he was picking up, I – the conscious identity wasn’t interested, didn’t want it and that he had to stop.
He didn’t and after fending off more unwanted advances; I left. I wrote a rather biting poem about it, but I didn’t actually feel any anger toward him until almost three years later. Logically and intellectually, I knew that if he had done this to a friend of mine – or anyone for that matter – I would have been furious, but I didn’t feel it on my own behalf.
For those who don’t understand repressed memories or dissociation, it’s not uncommon for survivors to have limited, or no access to various emotions, especially anger. We are generally told that it is our fault that it happens. The people who abuse us are usually trusted, perhaps loved and they often claim that they love us even as they hurt us. We are told we deserve it and because (in many cases) it is upsetting to the abuser to have a child crying or screaming in pain, we are forbidden to. We are, in fact told we enjoy it. It’s no wonder we end up so confused.
My best guess is that I wasn’t able to feel anger at this man because if what he did was wrong, then what was done to me as a child was wrong. At that point, I still had a lot of trouble believing that I had been abused as a child. I sort of knew it but I didn’t exactly believe it. I had no connection to the anger (and yes the sometimes hatred that has since surfaced) about what was done to me, other than as a sort of distant horror combined with overwhelming fear.
I didn’t necessarily like the man that much, nor did I particularly trust him, personally. However, I trusted him to act in good conscience to the best of his ability as a healer. He does have the talent – the innate ability. I recognized it or I would not have accepted his offer of “help.” But it was twisted within and around, what I find to be an unacceptable moral and/or ethical code or lack thereof.
To this day I don’t know if he told the truth that he sensed something empathically that could be rationally read as permission or interest. It is possible that he believed what he said and/or misconstrued something. I know how messed up my sexuality is in some respects. One of the many difficult things I’ve had to do is try to figure out what is healthy for me much less anyone else. I have no trouble believing that other people have their own problems.
It’s also possible that he straight-out lied, although I still believe I would have recognized a direct lie – probably. It doesn’t matter. I said, “No” and he didn’t accept it. He’s not violent or at least wasn’t with me so the contact was basically unwanted kisses and touching. That doesn’t make it acceptable. Personally, I believe that he lied to/deluded himself so well that what he said came across as sincere.
A healer must almost always have close contact with those who seek/need healing. But there have to be boundaries and limits. When the bonds of trust are violated – especially by someone who has claimed a position of authority – the damage already present is magnified. His actions reinforced my lack of confidence in my perceptions and in my rights.
Open sexuality is not uncommon in the Pagan communities. I don’t have a problem with that. To me it seems healthy as long it is handled in a healthy manner. Where there is coercion, intimidation or force – that’s not healthy and it’s not right. Not for the victim and not for the perpetrator. Nor is it for the communities we live in and are a part of.
Sexual predators operate anywhere they can find a place to do so. They adapt their methods to the environment. For those of other religions, it might be easy to blame Paganism or Wicca for this man’s actions. I hope you will look beyond the possible scapegoat of what may (to you) be a very different belief system and see that he is the one responsible for what he did.
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Even as I edit this, I can see the often passive and distant phrasing. I’ve learned to recognize it (sometimes). I still have trouble connecting these emotions. Think of it as having only intermittent communications with my own feelings. I accept that this is true even as I work to change and heal. No matter how odd it seems, it was a workable survival mechanism as a child. As an adult, it quit working.
Rereading what I have written allowed me to look at his actions from a different perspective and I realized that I’ve given him too much credit for too long. In doing so, I hurt myself and I apologize to me, here and now.
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If you are having problems of any kind because you have been or are being abused sexually, please find help. Not all those who offer help have your best interests at heart and it’s not always easy to recognize those who don’t. If someone who offers help presses unwanted sexual advances on you, leave. But keep looking! There are many paths to choose from and there are those who offer healing without that kind of violation, so find something that works for you. Please, break the silence and reach out…
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