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TRUSTING IN ONESELF
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By
Louisa Lynn
She was not born into an easy life; the odds from conception were against her. But she had a mother who desperately wanted her. She had wanted a girl so that she could regain a childhood that she had lost at the early age of nine with her mother committing suicide. She would find the most beautiful dresses and dolls to dress her in and give to her. That had been her fantasy. But reality was different.
Kala was born when only one person in the world wanted her, her mother. But Kala was not alone; she was born a twin. This twin had protected her all her life and he would continue to protect her for as long as she breathed her final breath. Her mother would make sure of that. Three months after they were born, her mother left her father. It had been over for a long time but it was the twins who gave her the last bit of courage she needed to finally leave him. One morning, she packed three suitcases and three boxes and she was driven to the airport, far away from the man they would never call father.
I had had enough of the violence and the drinking. I wanted out and I didn't know how I was going to get out but for months I fantasized about the day that it would happen. After one last plea to a family member, the stage was set. He walked out of the bathroom with just a green towel wrapped around his lean body and I turned around with my six-week-old babies and said goodbye and walked out of his life forever. I wanted nothing from him. I had lost everything to be with him and all the promises in the world had fallen through the bottles of jack daniels and beer. I had forgotten what it was like to feel safe and to be on my own but I was going to leave, no matter what.
Being alone, scared me to death. I had never been without a man and now suddenly I had two babies who depended solely on me to provide for them. But my years of alcoholism and drug addiction had taken away all of my money and family support. I had lost everything but the twins and I would never leave them. They were my reason for living. I waited tables. It was a horrible self-defacing job and I wondered how I would ever find my way out of the mess I had created. I met a man while I was waiting tables who seemed to have everything that I was looking for. He wasn't too keen on the fact that I had these twins but that didn't matter. We would drink until closing hours and stumble in late at night. He paid all the babysitting expenses and I paid for them in different ways. Our casual affair became serious, at least on his end. But he helped me pay the bills and kept a roof over our heads. Nothing more than that mattered. He could out drink me under the table and I had to drink as much as I could to tolerate being with him. The payoff was a night out, free drinks and dinner. I guess it kept both of us happy for a while and then he got sober and I followed a few months after.
I woke up one day and wondered what the hell I had done by staying with this man. Six months had passed and he had grown close to the twins and they were starting to call him daddy. I cringed when they would call him that but to humor him I allowed it. My conscience caught up to me when I got sober and I realized what I had compromised but I couldn't throw him out and he was very co-dependent on me and the children, especially Kala. Her eyes lit up the room when he walked in it. I did not have the will power to throw him out but I did have the will power to kick him out of my bed. He slept in the other room and we lived as roommates. It was an odd time, no one understood why he stayed, especially me, but I was not in the financial position to throw him out past my bedroom. I lay at night wondering what I had done with my life and how I would ever get out of this situation that only I could take responsibility for. I just could not find enough courage to throw him totally out.
He loved the children, especially Kala. Kevin on the other hand was a different story. From very early on there was a mutual dislike between the two. Kevin never would listen to him, would hit him all the time or just ignore him. But it never mattered to him; he would just find comfort with Kala. He was her knight in shining armor; the daddy she never had and I couldn't stop their love for each other. I didn't feel it was my place.
Years passed and they became closer and closer. There were times I felt I didn't even know my own daughter. But I kept busy and brushed my feeling aside. Kala deserved a father and for some reason he refused to leave despite how I treated him. He never harmed the twins or me and he was still taking care of us financially. He even bought me a car. I was so empty inside, living with him but I did not want to lose the luxury of "his" car, his money and his prestige. I felt I needed it. Then one day everything changed. I was walking the twins to school and casually asked Kala if he has ever touched her in a private place. She laughed at me and said, "Ofcourse mommy, all the time." My heart stopped, my brain raced but I couldn't speak. Once I caught my breath I carefully said to her, "Honey, you are a good girl for telling mommy. You know I love you very very much and you can tell mommy anything, right?"
"Right, mommy, come on or we're going to be late!" she giggled as she ran into her class leaving me there feeling less than.
I slowly walked home, replaying the dialogue in my head over and over again, thinking that maybe just maybe I had heard something different, misinterpreted something wrong. But I knew what I had heard from the very bottom of my soul, I knew.
The next few hours became a blur. I picked up the phone called the police and packed one bag and left to my dearest friend's home. It was over and the police promised they would take care of everything. What they didn't promise me was a way to put my life back together again. I had to do that one for the first time alone. But a few miracles happened in the week that I was gone that if they had not have happened I'm not sure where I would be with the twins. I had applied for section 8 housing six months before and it had suddenly been approved that week! The home we lived in qualified. The landlord said he would take the voucher! The other miracle was that he left, quietly without causing any disruption.
But inside the house it was different. Kala was stark raving mad at me. I had taken her daddy away and she could not comprehend what she had done to deserve this. There was nothing I could say to make her understand. I got her into therapy and that helped but then I had to let go of the car that he gave me. There was no way I could continue with her therapy. Things got worse before they got better but I held on and just loved her like a mother only could. I didn't understand motherhood until this happened to my daughter. I didn't understand love, until this happened either. Today, I understand both. I understand that you stand near your child despite your own pain. There were times I wanted to just bury myself under the covers and never come out. I was a very hurt momma bear and my cub had been terribly violated. I wanted to attack this man in ways that only I knew I could do but my sanity and my twins' life were more important than my own vengeance.
During this time, I grew up. I became a mother and that is the gift that came out of this horrible situation. I found that there truly are silver linings to the gray clouds of life. I don't know where he is today and quite frankly I don't care. We couldn't prosecute simply because I would not allow an internal exam of her. She had been violated enough. I just wanted him out of our lives forever.
Although he was never prosecuted, I feel that there will be a time that he will have to pay for his crime. Although I have no car, I have a family now that is stronger than it ever was before this incident occurred. And today it is family that holds this country together, not the justice system. I am there today holding her hand and proud to be a mother, a gift from God.