The Ultimate Rejection (No More VIII)Suicide
The ultimate rejection
Fear of facing fear
Running from the truth in an empty direction
Why didn’t I die
I tried very hard
But I survived
So, then I decided
To face the fears
Regain my lost years
Go ahead and cry all the tears
Now memory rises
It surprises me
Time after time
I still have trouble accepting
Sometimes find myself rejecting
What it seems must be true
And in the doing, sometimes also reject
Kindness and love and offers of help
It’s so hard for me to trust
Even when new instincts say I must
Slowly, slowly
Changing my ways
Some days are better than others
As I learn
“I love you”
doesn’t really mean
“I want to hurt you”
It seems my dictionary was incorrect
I suspect that’s not the only place
What am I saying?
I know it’s not
Yes, I forgot for sanity’s sake
But now, health demands I change
No more rejecting the truth
No more accepting the lies
No longer rejecting friendship and love
I can no longer shove
All my memory into the silence
As I was commanded
As was demanded of me
The violence
Of the pain of the past
Conflicting
With the health of the now
Must somehow be resolved
I am resolved
The problems will be solved
I swear it
By all that I can be
To the best of my ability
Which improves with each day’s trials
No more river of denials
I will accept what brought me here
And face the fear
I choose life
My memory draws near
Bubbles rising clear
Above the silence
Of forgotten past
At last I’ll know for sure
I accept as best I can
And here I voice
The ultimate rejection’s not my choice
CJH – 09/19/99
Carol Y. Huber copyright – 09/18/99
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