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I Don't Understand GrownUp Love For those of you who know me, you probably only know me as Tenna’s husband, or possibly D.H. Teen and I were in the computer room and she was reading me some of her poetry when she came across one that she had written. She made the statement “ I don’t know why I wrote this one. It’s something that I don’t know anything about.” Of course I had to ask her what she was talking about (Tenna’s pretty smart but you have to take notes to keep up at times). She read a poem that she had written about domestic abuse. Domestic abuse. When you say it like that it doesn’t sound half bad does it? “Say Hank what you gonna do tonight?” “Oh I think I’ll go home, drink a couple of beers, eat some dinner, watch a little television, do an hour or so of domestic abuse.” I tell you what, take away the name, describe the act and see how it sounds to you then. I’m going to beat the shit out of you, degrade and humiliate you in your own eyes and the eyes of our children, then if you come back for more, I think I’ll just permanently screw you up or kill you. That is if I can’t get you to do it to yourself first. Like the title says. I just don’t understand grown up love. I fail to understand how a man who says he loves you and would die for you, can reach up and hit you upside the head. I don’t see how this person who has sworn to God that he will love and protect you; can purposely degrade and humiliate you and still think that he’s doing his job. Third question. How can you let him? Don’t give me that shit about him being sick. I know that, it’s a great excuse. “I’m sorry baby, I did it because I was sick. Sick and tired of trying to use my brain and explain to you in a reasonable and logical way why this is the way it is. Since I’m bigger than you and stronger I’m just going to beat the hell out of you so that you no longer question my lack of intelligence. That way I can feel better because I’ve made you feel like shit.” Hello what’s wrong with this picture? Look, I have said it before and I’ll say it again. No one has the right to put his or her hands on you with out your permission, or in any manner that you don’t approve of. If they do so, it is against the laws of man and God. I don’t remember it being written “and so God made Eve so that Adam could practice his left jab.” No one has the right and/or obligation if that’s the way these morons think, to harm another human being. For any of you that have read my martial arts articles, I talk about self-defense, the use of force and self-control. If you are the stronger of the two spouses and are attacked by the weaker one (Hey it does happen tempers flair), you have the right to defend yourself until the threat is removed. However, it doesn’t give you the right to kick the shit out of them. Only the right to use what amount of force necessary to escape that situation. Common question? If a man hits me once, am I’m in an abusive relationship? My answer is, only if he enjoyed it. Accidents do happen. When I first moved in with Tenna I had fallen asleep on the living room floor. The place where I had moved out of had a few nefarious characters that dropped by now and then. As such I had a bad habit that if you touched me while I was asleep, I’d pop up swinging (It was kind of interesting whenever the watch relief onboard the sub went to wake me up). Tenna reached down and shook me instead of calling me by name. It took me ten minutes to find out why she was so mad at me for falling asleep on the floor. I didn’t even realize after I was awake that I had struck her on the jaw. Has it ever happened again? No. I still awaken when someone calls me by name but I no longer wake up swinging when I’m touched (The collies broke me of that plus I used to have nightmares where one of the kids would crawl into the bed and I would hurt one of them). I love my wife and don’t believe the way to show it is at the end of a balled up fist. If however you are hit more than once, if he considers it disciplining, if they physically force you to do things that you don’t want to, If they threaten you and then carry out their threat. Then yes get a clue you are being abused. Get out of there because they’re an asshole. Don’t give me, “Well it only happened once and they were under a lot of stress at work, and they were so-o-o-o sorry that it happened at all and they’ve been okay since it happened.” As my daughter says, “ That’s a load of bull hockey.” I’m no expert on domestic abuse but from everything I’ve heard, there are steps involved in abuse. You have the build up, the actual physical abuse and then the honeymoon stage. Interspersed in there is the verbal abuse. Wait, I haven’t covered that yet have I? There’s not much to say about it other than this person is trying to make themselves feel better at your expense. So what better way for them to do it than make you look like dirt in your own eyes as well? They’ll embarrass you in front of others, usually people whose opinion you care about. They’ll attempt to make you feel that you are worthless and beyond all help. That you can’t do anything right and that you’re just really lucky to have someone like him or her around. There’s more but the bottom line is their up, your down and they won’t offer you a hand to stand. If you’re in an abusive relationship, then get out of it. Don’t allow your children to be taught that that’s the way relationships are supposed to go. If you still love them, then help them to help themselves. Tell them “I’ll come back to you when you’ve gotten some help and learned to manage your problems some other way than on my face.” A word of warning though, the best way to talk to this person is when they are behind bars or long distance. If you won’t help yourself then do it for them. Imagine how this person feels when they are in their right frame of mind. How can they live with themselves knowing what they’ve done and worse what they might do if they don’t stop themselves? If you won’t do it for them do it for your kids. Do it for someone because it doesn’t get any better unless you make it that way. Get some help. How? When? Right now. Pick up the yellow pages or get on the computer and search for abuse centers on the Internet. If you’re scared of the hubby or wife, call the cops. These people see this stuff everyday and they are sick of picking up what’s left of the people. Give them a chance to help and stop a tragedy before it occurs. You will really be surprised at how much help they want to be to you. What they don’t want to do is answer a call to your residence or place of business to pick up your cold dead body and it could happen. If your spouse could control him or herself, they would never have hurt you in the first place. Abuse isn’t always physical, and it’s not always the man that does the abusing. A man being abused by a woman is like a man being raped by a woman. The chances of it being reported are like one in ten million. What, you say that that’s impossible? You don’t believe a man can be raped and especially not by a women? It used to be the opinion of most men that a woman couldn’t be raped because deep down she enjoyed it. Do you believe that nonsense? One in three girls don’t and one in five boys in this country don’t either. The end of this article is a lot like domestic abuse in that I can’t end it. It’s up to you to do it. It’s up to you to get the necessary help for you and your family because if you don’t then no one else will. Good luck and god bless. Please send any comments on this article to Survivor Haven David Perry describes himself as someone who likes "To write about martial arts, computers and am going to branch out into scifi and horror. I am two days older than dirt and have a great wife and three kids who are still in school. I'm a second degree black belt an ex sub sailor and believe in enjoying myself and others." More of David's work can be found at Written By Me
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