I hardly consider myself an expert on writing. However, I can tell ya about it.The holidays for me have always been tainted with abuse. What with having been abused from the ages of 3 to the ages of 19 continuously, I was told not to come if I was going to bring it up. And without fail, I would bring it up. I felt that the gravity of the situation was never identified. And it never has been. I was told by my mother not to come to her house when either one of her pedophile brothers were visiting her home anytime of year.
I tried year after year, month after month to gain my mothers support, and acceptance. She would tell me to look myself in the mirror and just go on with my life and leave it behind me. That it had also been done to her by her stepfather. But, she has never really acknowledged the need for suppport that I needed at the time. And I wouldn't call telling me to stay away while her brothers visited her any type of support. I took it as another slap in the face. I considered it her way of punishing me.
Well, finally, after a lifetime of abuse from her and her brothers, and her uncle, and her boyfriend, I decided no more. I tried denial. It didn't work, I finally realized about 10 years ago that it will never happen. I will never recieve my mothers love, support and acceptance and set out to make my holidays decent for my own kids and my husband.
But, the damage had been done to two of my own kids already. While I was busy fighting with my mother over what had been done to me, my own kids had been victimized. My life will never be the same as "before". I can't remember a holiday or visit without pain. And I am loving and supporting my kids as much as they need or will let me by staying away from her house, not talking to my mother at all now. And I bake pies and make holidays special for my own family. But, our lives will never be the same. And that's quite alright with us. Because we have each other. And we don't want the kind of holidays we had before, with my mothers family.
I hope this can help others to see that even at the age of 48, I still feel the effects though. And if they feel that way, its normal.
Let me remind those of you who already know and caution those of you who don't: Pedophiles and rapists never change! If they did it to you when you were little, and they got away with it, they will do it to your kids too. They never change! Do not take your kids around any pedophile/rapist , under any circumstances. Because they will do it to your kids too. Never underestimate your perpetrator! And you might not find out from your kids until they are over 21. And it will be your fault then. At least your kids will hold you responsible. Because you knew he was a pedophile. And they do like little boys too. Something few of us realize.
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