Wish Him Healing
For those of you who might not already know – Paganism does not equal Satanism. My beliefs differ in many ways from Christianity, Judaism, Islam or any other better-known religion, but it doesn’t mean that I am evil. I believe strongly in walking a path of love and light. It’s simply a different path then many are familiar with. That I am Pagan does not change the fact that I was abused and that I walk all the same steps in healing as anyone else. It also doesn’t mean, as some seem to think, that I deserved to be harmed.
For me, part of being Pagan is a belief in reincarnation. I also believe very strongly, that what comes around goes around. That if one commits harm then harm will return to one committing it in some form or another. Various people believe that this boomerang effect is magnified by some amount. I suppose I reserve judgement, or perhaps I don’t want to return harm for harm. I would rather return healing.
I can understand hating someone. I’ve been there and I’ve done that and when I can actually touch the memories of what happened to me when I was a child, I have hated with an intensity that frightened me. When I remember the next piece of forgotten memory, I may hate as much or nearly as much as I did last time. I don’t know.
I hope that someday I will heal enough that I will no longer feel any hatred. It’s a self-destructive emotion and I’ve been hurt enough already. On the other hand, I don’t know if I will ever forgive him. Fortunately my beliefs don’t require it of me, at least not now.
I can accept that I feel hatred. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, but in the long run it is unhealthy for me. Hatred has a tendency to poison what it touches and I don’t want that. I want justice (whatever that is) but for the most part, I don’t believe in revenge. So what do I do?
Believing in reincarnation changes some of my perceptions about rapists and pedophiles. While the law punishes them to a lesser or greater extent (and no, I don’t think many of the laws are strict enough) I don’t believe that a pedophile will go to some permanent hell at the end of his life (or possibly her, but I’ll use his for simplicity).
If I am correct about reincarnation, then he is on his own journey that goes from one life to another. It doesn’t end after 70 or 80 years with heaven or hell as the end. I don’t want for him to continue through eternity with that evil and/or sickness in his heart, spirit and mind. Even if I did believe in a permanent hell, forever is a long time. The part of me that has is reasonably civilized wishes him healing because I want the cycle to end and not be perpetuated any longer. For me, healing is the best solution.
The (hopefully small) part of me that hates and wants revenge can still wish him healing. My healing has been horribly painful and I was the victim. To truly heal he would have to face everything he has done and accept it and somehow deal with it. He’s a sadistic pedophile. I’m not sure I can imagine how it would be to face that and be required to survive the truth. How much more revenge can I ask than that? Healing is still the best solution.
Do I wish that I didn't have the vengeful streak? Yes, but at the moment, I do have it – and one of the more important things I have learned in the past few years is to accept who I am with as few excuses as possible. For a very long time, I felt guilty for thinking selfish thoughts or hating or wanting revenge. In the past year or so I have realized that it’s part of being human.
It’s not the emotion or the stray thoughts that wander through my mind, but acting on them that causes harm. I sincerely hope that someday I will no longer hate or want revenge. At this point, I’m not there. I have a ways to go.
I know people who would say that I shouldn’t even wish something until my only thoughts are peaceful and loving. Perhaps I’m missing something, in fact it’s likely, but I’m wishing for the best outcome that I can imagine at this point and time. I acknowledge that some of my motives aren’t ‘pure’ (whatever that means) and I’m not particularly happy about some of what I feel. I’m asking for healing for myself on the things I see as negative.
Am I grateful that there is a part of me that simply wants as much healing to come from this as possible? Yes, although I don't always trust that part of me yet. It’s a new part of me in some ways. I’ve learned so much. Can I reconcile the two parts (not to mention all of the other parts including the parts that still resists remembering or even believing what happened? No. I don't have to. The more healing I do, the less I feel the need to justify my existence or my beliefs to others.
It is good for me to strive toward understanding them for my own healing but that is something entirely different. In the meantime, as much as possible, I simply accept and continue to ask guidance along my journey. Then give thanks for the help that has arrived and that will continue to do so.
I know that some, perhaps many, people will think that wishing someone healing is odd (or perhaps downright crazy). Plenty of Pagans don’t agree with me, but then we often don’t agree on things any better than any other religion or group of religions do. Some people might relish the pain a pedophile will feel when his actions return home. Me, I sorrow for all of the violence in the world. There’s too much of it already and it looks like it’s getting worse again.
I would like to be as clear as possible that my position here isn’t about legal punishment. I believe that pedophiles and rapists should be prevented from harming anyone else. In this country, at this time, that seems to consist of locking them away from possible victims. If it were possible to stop this type of crime before it happens without creating new abuses it would be wonderful; but it doesn’t seem work that way, or at least not often. Perhaps as more people recognize the early warning signs, it will happen less and less.
That’s what law is for and about. I think many of them are too lenient but that’s another subject for another time. This essay is about my own feelings toward someone who abused me and how I’m trying to work through the pain.
I don’t have all the answers. I’m working on finding answers for myself and sometimes I share the ones I find along the road. I don’t promise that my answers will work for anyone else. I hope you find answers that work well for you, whether or not you take anything positive from what I have written. Bright Blessings on your Journey Into Healing.
Please address any comments on this piece to
By:Carol Huber
I am Pagan, which I usually don’t mention in articles here at Survivor Haven because it’s not directly related to the fact that I was sexually abused as a child. While my beliefs are very important to me, they are not the bond that draws us together here at the Haven. The wish to share with others who have been abused is. The wish to heal, the sharing of ideas about how to do that and the reaching out to find out that we aren’t alone in our terror and pain – those are the bonds we share here.
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