Matt's Journal

This is a VERY personal journal that Matt keeps. He's a teenager, so don't expect great spelling and expect some slang and weird stuff.

---May 8th---
I've never kept a journal before. This is my first one. Well, I guess you're supposed to introduce yourself or something. Okay. Umm, my name is Yamato Ishida...but everyone calls me Matt. I'm 17 years old (I'll be 18 December 28th) and I've got blonde hair and blue eyes. I'm kind of tall...uhh, my girl friend says I'm a total babe (hee hee hee) and...well, that's another thing I honestly have to talk about in here, but let me finish my introduction first. About me, besides my name and what I look like. My family, well, it's just my dad and me, really. I don't live with my mom, nor do I see her that often (though she's only a few blocks away.) My little brother, Takeru Takaishi, also known as TK lives with her. Another thing to know...my dad's gay. I never really thought of it as different until my friend Koushiro (Izzy) asked me about it one time. My friends, they're also very important to me.My best friend I would have to say is Taichi Kamiya. He's a great listener, and he's there for me when I'm down...I'm sometimes surprised how he can stand me, considering how much I talk about my current girlfriend. (Okay, I'll get into that now, I have girlfriends constantly...I can't help it, I'm a confused teenage guy!) Anyways. Tai is someone I'd probably end up dying without. Hyuk hyuk. I'd be a lot worse of than I am without him. He's an important influence in my life, and I'm proud to call him my friend. Koushiro Izumi is another great friend of mine. He's a computer genius, and has a cool sense of humor. Good Ol' Izzy, I like to refer to him as. Jyou Kido, a nerd, yes, but a great guy too. I couldn't deal with school without Joe. He's been a lifesaver for me in the past years. He's the one who really bails me out of shit that I get myself into, that I really shouldn't have gotten myself into...God I'm such an idiot sometimes...anyways. Those are my closest friends...I mean, unless you count Sora Takenouchi, but I don't talk to her much anymore. In fact, I don't really talk to any of them anymore...I've kind of gotten involved with this "popular" crowd lately...I mean, I like them, but they don't feel like real friends to me. Oh well. Anyways. So, I'm kind of tired of writing now...I've been introduced. You know who I am...
---YI---

---June 4th---
Well, hello again. I haven't written in a while. Sorry about that. My finals are this week. School is out in three more days. I can't wait. I'll be a high school senior! Yes!
In sad news, I'm no longer going out with...that girl. The first time anyone's ever broken up with me. I was so shocked, because the reason she broke up with me is the fact that I wouldn't fuck her. Yes, I am a virgin, and I'm not ashamed of it. I have done some stuff with girls, but I haven't done anything below the waste with anyone. More than one has gone down on me, but who am I to complain? I'm a guy, with mad hormones! So, anyways. She broke up with me. WITH ME. Shocking. I haven't really told anyone, because I don't feel like it. But I actually feel hurt...Me? The cool Matt? Hurt...Yes, I am. I actually cried...I rarely cry about anything. In fact, only one person besides when I was a kid, one person and one Digimon has seen me cry in my whole life...and that's Tai and my Digimon, Gabumon. God, I miss him. He was the best friend I ever had. Tai's a good friend, but he can't take his place...I'm too depressed to write anymore. I need to study for my finals. Later
---Matt---

---June 6th---
I've been feeling so much stress because of my finals and everything...not even because of my ex-girlfriend anymore. I realize I never cared about her. I don't know who I care about. That's why I hurt so much. My heart is aching...I want someone to love me...I want to love someone. I don't love anyone. I just realized that. I do, my family, but I want a different kind of love. I want...I want to hold someone and have them need me. I love comforting people. I want to protect someone, I want them to say my name in their sleep...I don't know what I want...I'm so confused...

---June 9th---
I have some happier news. Tai called me up today, and asked if I'd like to go over to his house for a sleepover. Naturally, I'm assuming we'll play Soul Calibre. It's his favorite game, and he's really good at it. There are some times I wish I was Tai...he seems so happy all the time. I wish I were him. I bet he's got it good. I'm more than grateful for his friendship. He doesn't even know how much it means to me that he's invited me to leave this hallow house. God damn. I'm gonna go ahead and go now. I'll write more later.

---June 10th---
Oh...god...So much has happened since...yesterday. I can't even begin...well, let's see what I can start out with... Well...first of all, I've found my soulmate. The person I'm in love with...I mean it. I am truly in love with them, and I hope they're in love with me too. Now, don't go making assumptions, let me finish. Okay, you know that yesterday I went to Tai's house for a sleepover. Well, it was a bit more than what I was expecting. I was expecting just to spend the night with my friend, we'd watch movies, play video games, the normal...but it really changed a lot... it started with me on the bus, I had the weirdest thought about sleeping in the same bed as Tai, and I realized that it didn't bother me so much as surprise me. Then I started realizing, I thought that because I honestly love Tai...it's so strange to see that written in here. I do love Tai. My best friend. Now more than my friend because of last night...I got to his house, and tried to pretend everything was normal, but I asked if we could look at the stars, because the night sky was fabulous last night. I mean, the clearest it's been in a really long time. (I love astronomy) So I asked if I could look through his telescope...(I actually made an excuse of it and asked if he had one, though I know very well he does.) And I showed him my favorite constellation. He showed me a star cloud, and while I was looking, he asked the oddest question I've ever heard a guy ask another guy.
"Matt, have you ever kissed anyone?"
Well, of course I have, but I was somewhat skeptical. Why did he ask me that? So I told him I did, and he asked me what it was like. I don't even know what possessed me, but I showed him what it was like physically. I was immediately sorry afterwards. But it was only a peck. He then said he wouldn't have minded feeling a french kiss, so I showed him what that was like too...though I really didn't want to stop...my god, Tai's got a mouth that's like a viper...it strikes fast! I wasn't too sure it was his first french kiss, but he insisted it was. I mean...I've never felt any emotion in a kiss, but I felt it in that one...it honestly felt like my first kiss all over...I felt something. I know Tai did too...but let me explain more about last night. So after we kissed, I was extrememly nervous. I didn't know if I should still be there, or if I should go home, or what. I told him so, and he begged me to stay. He said he honestly didn't mind the kiss, and let me read his deepest secrets. About me. Like this journal that I'm keeping, only it's more of an erotic fantasy diary. I mean, EROTIC...I think I'm getting a hard-on just imagining it. Oh well. I'll continue writing. So after I read it, and figured out his code, that he was writing about me, I felt myself feel like I was filling with all the hallowness I've been feeling...he loved me too! Or at least he wanted me. Even if sexually, which I don't mind (but I hope to god he loves me...) Anyway. So I asked if he at least liked me. He said he did, so I asked him out. We're a couple. Oh god. We're going out. Tai and Matt. Matt and Tai. A couple. Two guys. Why does it feel so right? I asked him out. He said yes. Then we were a little playful, but Tai took it seriously...he allowed me to thoroughly read one of his fantasies, and I felt honored...I was having my own dream fulfilled too. I could take care of someone, make them feel good...I'll be blunt. I gave Tai a hand-job. I'd never in my wildest dreams would have imagined giving Tai a hand-job...but I really liked doing it. I liked the look on his face and the sounds he made when I was doing it. He really liked it. I made him feel so good. I could tell by his face. That beautiful face. Tai is beautiful. He's like some angel sent to me from above. Oh god, I love him. I know that we'll probably cool it from here on...I should go. I want to call him now.

---June 12th---
Tai and I had our first date tonight. He's told his parents. It was rather amusing, really, I was there when he told them. I'll quote it in fact.
"Hey mom, Matt and I are leaving. Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you that i'm gay and we're going out!"
"Hah hah. Have fun you guys!"
"I'm serious about that last part, aren't I Matt?"
"Yep."
His mom came in and stared at the two of us. "Prove it." So shocking Mrs. Kamiya! I did by giving him a peck.
"Okay, I'm convinced. Then you're curfew is now 11:00, not 12:00. Bye boys!" she said. We left and went out on the town. I borrowed my dad's car, and we went to a movie and then we just drove around for hours on end, talking. I've never had someone reveal so much of their soul to me. Then we sat in my backseat (JUST SAT, REALLY!) and he and I held hands, and I told him how much I loved him, and that I wouldn't have believed in love at first site until now. He told me that I told him that already. But I wanted to tell him anyway. He smiled at me (god, he's got the most perfect smile in the world) and he said that he loved me with all his heart. I put my arms around him, the way I've always wanted to put my arms around my loved one, and held him for what seemed like a perfect moment in eternity. Then I had to drive him home, but we kissed again. He doesn't like frenching much, not yet, but he does like it when I nibble his lower lip...it's two o'clock. I'm going to bed. And dreaming of my beautiful angel.

---July 8th ---
I know I haven't written in forever, but my days are filled with Tai. We find some way to spend time with each other daily, because we love each other so much, and I can't think of doing anything else with anyone else. We went to the park today, and sat by the fountain for hours on end, not saying anything. Sora's found out about us. She was at the park too, rollerblading. Tai was napping against my shoulder, and I had my arm around him, and Sora skated by. Then she screeched, turned around, and came back. She was very surprised, but I told her. She seemed a bit doubtful, but she said "Okay, whatever." Then she left. Izzy and Joe know too, because Sora's a loudmouth. They called me up on 3 way, and grilled me for what seemed like an hour. Then they made me call up Tai, and they grilled him too. :) It was pretty interesting. God. I think since I spent so much time describing myself in the first entry of this journal, I think I'll describe Tai now.
Tai is the boy I love with all my heart. The person I love with all my heart. If he was a girl, I think I'd still love him the same. He's slender. His eyes are a deep brown and amber color, that sparkle warmly at me when they look at me full of love, his hair is a deep chestnut brown that shines beautifully in light. His face reminds me of an angel's face, perfect and slightly rounded. He's absolutely beautiful. I know guys are supposed to be hot or cute, or something, but Tai's beautiful. I call him that, or my angel. Because he is. He's got a special name for me too now. Yami. A nickname taken from Yamato...Yami. I know it means darkness, but Yami sounds cute when he says it. I know he didn't mean darkness when he thought of it. God...I love him with all my heart, and I miss him when he's gone. I want to call him, but it's so late. I think if I go to sleep maybe I'll dream of him. Maybe, what am I talking about. I'm going to dream about him.

---July 10th---
This is Tai. Matt and I did a switch. He said that he'd only write a fantasy in my book if I'd write an entry in his journal. I do love him too. Wow, I'm reading some of the other entries (not near as many as my fantasies, but it's okay) and...he really does love me! MATT! I LOVE YOU TOO! WITH ALL MY HEART! Wow, I feel so honored about what he writes about me. Wow. My Yami...I feel so emotional now. I think I'll have to go read what he wrote about me. Matt's journal, and Matt, you have to know that I would die for Matt...he means more to me than my life itself! *kisses page* I love you Matt with all my heart! Forever! I'm yours!

---August 6th---
*painful sigh* School starts...tomorrow. I really don't write enough in this journal, but I write enough to keep up with my thoughts. Well, I hope that I have at least one class with Tai. Oh gosh...school...what's gonna happen? Who am I gonna sit with? I know I won't sit with that other crowd anymore...I guess I'll just hang with Tai until we figure out what's what. Yay school...I can't wait.

---October 17th---
I think I'm going to kill myself if Tai doesn't speak to me at school tomorrow. I said the stupidest thing to him. See, I only write events in this journal. Tai and I have been great...until now. I said the stupidest thing in the world I could ever say to him, and now I feel stupid and horrible, and I just want to die. Again, I cry, but it's because my heart's shredding up into tiny pieces...Tai, do you see what kind of power you have over me? Tai, I love you, please please...I miss you so much...I want you...please Tai...I need you...I love you...I'm yours forever.

---October 21st---
My teacher has officially freaked me out. He said something weird about Tai, and it's really worrying me. I'm still worried about it. Tai's asleep next to me, and we just had the most amazing experience ever. We didn't have sex, but we did make love. Just not the official way. His cries of ecstasy are the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard. But I'm still worried about what my teacher said. He mentioned something about Tai's his...it scared me, and quite honestly, I'm afraid for Tai. I'm afraid that Merzuna-san will fail him or something. I'd rather be failed. Wow, you should see Tai right now. He's so incredibly beautiful...his skin has this glow from the lamp being on. He looks like a perfect picture of an angel. I'm gonna kiss him. There. Sleep well my beautiful angel. Now, about this teacher...what should I do? My legs are sore from skiing...but my mind is wandering a lot. This is a confusing entry, I think I'll close this and put it up...aww, Tai's murmuring in his sleep. He's so adorable...god I love him!

---October 25th---
Well, Tai's asleep again. And I'm wide awake.We just made love. I mean real love. Physically. I still can't believe it. He trusts me, Tai does. I've never felt so close to someone, and I've never felt someone trust me the way he does. And love me the way he does. I love him more and more every moment. I've never felt so connected to another being though. I have this urge to make him feel good, that I couldn't quite fulfill until now...and I realize why. Because when I do make him feel good through sex, I'm making myself feel good too...I guess the two are connected. Oh Tai, I love you with all my heart, and I'm so glad you gave me the honor of making love to you...I'd do it forever if I had enough strength...something is bothering me right now. I'm trying to remember what it is. Oh yes! Our cake! The reason he came over in the first place was for that cooking project. My dad's out of town, thank god. I would never even consider having sex while he was home. The cake. It's still bothering me. I have to go finish it.
---The one in Love with Taichi Kamiya forever---

---December 20th---
Gosh, it's been forever. But what can I say? I can hardly describe anything anymore with mere words. How can you describe the feelings and emotions that you can barely understand. All I know is that I love Tai more than ever, and I can't wait to get back and take him in my arms and hold him. I'm at my grandmother's house right now, and I will be til January 4th, and then the 5th I go back to school. Keeping my poetic side off the pages for a moment, I'm extremely horny right now, and I REALLY wish Tai was here to do something about it...I know, I know, that's shallow, but it's not the reason I'm going out with him, but you have to admit, it is a perk...he's got a wild mouth, especially when he plays our game "Naughty Boy" so...damn. I wanna play that with him right now. I want him so bad. I need to go whack off or something. My dick needs to give it a rest! :)
---Horny Boy!---

---January 5th---
I am in shock. I still...can't believe it. I am so shocked I can't even cry. Oh god, Tai, I wish it had been me. He doesn't deserve it. Tai. My Tai. He was raped. MY TAI! MY BEAUTIFUL ANGEL! RAPED! You don't RAPE such a beautiful thing! You don't rape period, but especially not my angel! I want to kill Merzuna-san. Yes. My calculus teacher. Tai's calculus teacher. Raped him. In the boys bathroom at school. I was at the hospital earlier with Tai, and he told me what happened. Basically, he was kept afterschool under the excuse that he was passing notes in class, Merzuna-san took him to the bathroom and locked the door, beat him and then raped him. I still can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. Police fortunately have found Merzuna-san and he's in jail, no questions until Tai's court case. I wanted to stay with him in the hospital all night, but the nurse said for me to go home, because Tai was going home in the morning. Oh god...my baby, my angel...Tai...I can't write anymore. I hurt so much for him. I wish I could take it all away from him...my angel....

---January 20th---
I went to see Tai today. Because he was really upset when I called him. I was heartless and stupid, and I felt like a total jerk, so I went to see him. He poured his heart out to me and I felt even worse. But he made me feel better by a hug. I know it'll be a long time before we do anything, so a hug is a good start. I swear I could almost feel his pain from touching him though...he's lost a lot of weight too...my angel. Please...come back. He's like shadow...I want him back. I miss him. I need him. I love him.
---Yamato Ishida---

---February 21st---
Tai must be some kind of amazing human machine. We've only started kissing again about a week ago, and today, when we were driving around, just for fun, he made me pull over behind some building and he looked especially mischievious. Then he sat on my lap and started seriously kissing and groping me. Whoa. I asked him what was up, and he said he wanted my "hot ass ramming into" him. I was shocked. He said he's over M-san (his code name) and he just really wanted some action, and was tired of feeling sorry for himself. Thank god Ford Explorer's have large trunk spaces, heh heh heh...I think I've still got some rugburn on my knees, but hell, I realized how much I missed sex too...that was quite wild fuck...that was a real fuck. Not making love. That was pure hormonal raw sex man! Yeah, very shagadelic! *laughs* Tai is shagadelic. Phew. I'm still kind of exhausted from that. Tai is such a sexy bitch...he's my sexy bitch!
---Matt tha Man!---

---March 14th---
My boyfriend has...err, expanded his gayness a bit more. He's started to crossdress a little. Not noticably, but enough for me to know. He's wearing panties! Girls underwear! Victoria's Secret none-the-less! I was shocked, but hell, I was turned on by it too...The only thing I was worried about was his comfort. He said it was fine. He felt fine. They feel pretty cool (I haven't worn any, but the material feels nice against my fingers) and they make him look incredibly sexy for some reason or another. Probably because his penis is more pronounced in girl's cut undies. Wow. My boyfriend has panties for me to find ways to get down! He said he's been creaming a lot more, probably due to the fact that he's got girl's underwear, and when girls get aroused, they get wet, and so he's been "getting wet" too...I personally think it's the cut of the underwear, rubbing against him so hard that he can't help but spurt a little now and again... I'm going to go now...you probably think I'm weird for thinking that my boyfriend looks hot in girls underwear. Who ever you are.
---Matt---
*my boyfriend has sexy panties!*

---April 1st---
Tai and I have decided that we're straight...and so he'll have to go get sex change. He proved this to me by showing me his nails today. They were painted blue with silver sparkles in it. APRIL FOOLS! Just kidding, I love Tai as much as ever. But uh...the nail polish thing wasn't an April Fool's joke...I thought it was. I think I hurt Tai's feelings, even though he keeps insisting that he's fine. He does have very pretty nails...he's shaped them pretty well. Damn, my boyfriend is a sexy bitch! I love him to death, but he does the weirdest things that make him even more sexy! I'll go now. I have no life, except for Tai.
---Matt---
*my boyfriend has sexy panties AND gorgeous nails!*

---April 19th---
I realize now that me and Tai's 10 month anniversary passed and I completely forgot! *sob* Well, for he's gonna get the best present of his life for the 11 month...wow. 10 months. I seriously think I'm going to propose to him the day he turns 18...I love him that much. I love my beautiful angel with all my heart, and I hope that we'll be able to spend the rest of our lives with each other...My Tai...
---Matt---
*a romantic at heart!*

---April 29th---
Wow, exactly ten days later...Tai and I are going to the prom tomorrow! Everyone here's asleep, (including Joe and Izzy, who are also spending the night) and I'm sitting alone in my kitchen. Joe and Izzy did something REALLY unexpected earlier tonight. They actually compared their dick size! What on earth? I think there's something up with them. I think they've got some underlying love relationship that neither wants to admit to. Hee hee. I'm such an expert, I know. But still...you gotta wonder...We told TK about gay sex tonight. He seemed pretty...disgusted. I was really amused by it. TK is still such a kid! Anyway. It doesn't really matter...I can't wait to go to the prom and sweep Tai off his feet!

---June 1st---
Tai and I will have been going out for a year in exactly 8 days. Wow. I love him so much, I can't believe it. We're going to be officially going for a year! I think this has been the most influential year of my life so far...I'm so glad that I went to that sleepover...think of what would be now if I hadn't? I think I'm going to go call my beautiful angel to see what's up. Oh, yes, by the way, the prom was the coolest night ever! I loved the prom almost as much as I love Tai! I'm off to call my beautiful angel.
---Matt
*I'm in love with an angel...*

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