My name is Teena Adler. I am a 34-year-old single female. I am 5 ft. 6 in. tall,I weigh 150 pounds and have hazel eyes and brown hair. I currently live in Mesquite, Texas and this is my story.
I was overweight pretty much all of my teenage to adult life.As a child I was pudgy and I remember my mother bought me pretty plus clothes. I don’t know about you, but there is nothing pretty about being pretty plus sized as a child or adult.
All throughout my childhood and teenage year’s even adult years I was laughed at and called names like “ Hungry Hungry Hippo” and "Fat Ass". I was basically made to feel ashamed about my body by society and classmates, and occasionally people who I thought were my friends, but were only pretending. The funny thing was I was only chubby not fat when I was younger. I did not start getting seriously overweight until I was 16 or 17 years old and obese when I was 20 years old.
I was always thick (big hips,thighs, and butt). As the years crept on I began to feel so bad about my body that I did whatever I had to do to lose weight and I do mean whatever I had to do by any means neccessay. I secretly dieted obsessively, starved myself, abused laxatives, ipecac (causes vomiting and is only to be used when poison is swallowed), binged and purged whenever I got the chance. I was miserable inside. I did major damage to my body all for the sake of losing weight and trying to obtain an image set by societies norms and standards.
My family has always been supportive of me throughout my lifetime and my battle with my weight even though my family was relatively healthy and did not have a weight problems back then. Black families for some reason are more accepting with weight issues. There has never been the pressure to be a bone thin waif like figure in my family. Do not ask me why that is, but that is what I have learned throughout the years.
My family knew that I had this inner struggle going on inside me with my weight, but they had no idea that I was abusing my body the way I was. They loved me the way that I was and they accepted me fat and all. They never made me feel bad about my body. It was just everyone else in the world who made me feel like trash and less than human.
As I got older I dated and went out with friends a lot. I was a party girl growing up. Ages 14-20 years old I did lots of drinking, drugs,clubbing, and staying out all hours of the night not caring about my safety or how anyone else felt about the fact that I was not at home when I was suppose to be, and just disrepecting my body in a bad way. The way I acted when out with friends you never would have had a clue that I was the saddest girl in the world who thought of killing herself 365 days out of the year 24 hours out of the day. I never let my weight get me down on the outside. I did not want people to see me hurting.
I always had and still have the attitude that if someone did not like me then screw them, I did not need them in my life. I learned later on in life that my party days were just a cover up and a way for me to escape and numb all the pain I was holding in on the inside because of my size and how I was treated by people who treated me badly because I was obese.
Deep down inside I sometimes felt that I was a decent person and people liked me, but I always doubted myself. Those that did not like me because of my body size I stayed away from. It hurt me deeply that people were that shallow, but that was life and I dealt with it. I would meet people who were so nice to my face, but then when I was not around they talked about how fat I was and how gross I looked.
I became a very tough person and learned early on to take nothing from no one. I learned a long time ago to guard my emotions and never let anyone into my world or make me cry. I learned how to make myself not feel after a while. I am having issues with allowing myself to feel til this very day as it was my defense mechanism for most of my life as an overweight teen and an obese adult.
I am ashamed to admit that I occasionally dated men who attempted to use me,mistreat,and constantly lie to me because I had such low self-esteem. I allowed myself to be mistreated and stayed in bad relationships because I felt like no one else would want me because I was huge.
I wanted to be loved more than anything by a man I imagined would love me unconditionally and never try to change me and accept me for who and what I was. Including all my fat. lol. I believed that there was someone who could see past the fat, get to know me as a person,love me the way I was without finding fault in my weight,demand that I diet and try to change me. THAT NEVER HAPPENED. NOT EVEN WHEN I GOT MARRIED. (I am divorced now-Thank God)
I thought I had finally found a place in this world where I could fit in when I found out about BBW’s (Big Beautiful Women)when I moved to Play Del Rey, CA. I found out that there were people just like me. The only difference is they were happy and proud of their big beautiful bodies and I hated mine and wanted it to disappear by any means neccessary. I was somewhat excited because I felt like maybe just maybe their self esteem and positive body image could rub off on me. It worked temporarily. I went to BBW parties and conventions and socialized with other BBW's.
For about 2 months I was happy with the whole BBW scene. Then I found out there was the down side to being Big and Beautiful. The downside was the "The BBW Admirers". When I say that they were the down side to being a BBW, I mean that some of their motives for wanting to be with a big woman were not always admirable.
BBW Admirers were more or less just like everyone out there who liked to use and abuse women emotional, spiritually, and mostly sexually, but they do it in a way that seems somewhat normal and they preferred women of abnormal size 300 pounds and up. Most of them are like stalkers and predators. They mostly feed off of BBW’s insecurities and do what ever they have to do to make it seem as if they really care and are really concerned when they are only out for one thing. SEX with a big woman.
They view us as easy and desperate because we are so big. They think that because we are so big we will not be picky or selective or require as much wining and dining as a normal size women would. The sad thing is a lot of big women are like that due to low self-esteem and desparation, but that does not mean they should be mistreated and exploited.
Everyone wants to be loved and adored being big does not make our needs of wanting love and affection any different. We breath, cry, and bleed just like everyone else so why should our need for love, admorationor affection be any different?
For years I let people take away my power and my self worth. I allowed them to disrespect me and tell me that I was not worthy of having a real and healthy relationship based on love, honesty, trust, and attraction, respect, compassion, etc.
When you are morbidly obese attractive men who have a good life (my definition of good life= nice family and friends that he is somewhat close to or has contact with regularly, steady job, no baggage, no drama, financially stable, and mentally stable) don't find you attractive. LETS BE HONEST AND KEEP THIS REAL! The men that do find you attractive when you are morbidly obese and can barely walk for the most part are not very attractive and have no kind of a life worth wanting to be a part of.
There are a select few attractive men who like BBW, but they are into BBW's the same way a person with sex addiction is. The attraction has nothing to do with who you are as a person or even your feelings, needs or wants, but merely how big you are and how your fat makes them feel in a sexual way and how much they can use you abuse you and throw you away. They usually do not view you as a person, but only someone who has an above average body that they admirer.
The funny part of the whole BBW scene is most of the men do not date BBW's openly and publicly. They do not let their friends or families know about their attraction of BBW's. Most of their family and friends have never met their BBW girlfriend. They are ashamed to be seen with their girlfriends, but yet they are so attracted to you because of your size.
I am not stereotyping or making general statements, I say all of this through first hand experience. I can not understand how someone could like someone based only on them being obese. Some of the BBW admirers were very honest about the fact that they were only interested in BBW's for sex and not a real relationship. Looking back I can appreciate them for their honesty, but at the time I thought they were jerks who deserved to be dropped off the nearest cliff in Malibu.
After battling with my demons inside, I came to the conclusion that I was not happy being Big and Beautiful. There was nothing beautiful about the rolls of fat between my thighs or on my abdomen, arms, hipps, and butt. My health was failing, I was not happy with the way my body looked or the fact that my size was keeping me from doing things that I love, like going to Six Flags and other amusement parks, and traveling. I could no longer fit on the rides. When I went out to eat I could no longer fit in some booths. Some bathroom stalls were so small that I had to squeeze into the stalls. Clothes had become a problem for me.
The fashion industry has made making fat women feel even more victimized by their size by their failure to provide beautiful clothes comparable to the beautiful clothes that they provide for normal size women. They always seem to make clothes that are very ugly and full of huge flowers and plenty of Lycra and the most insane colors that flatter no one. I could not buy clothes that fit me comfortably or look good without spending a lot of money.
The world treats overweight people as lepers or less than humans. They see us as fat slobs who have no self-control. They always say that if we just pushed away from the table we would lose the weight. They have no compassion nor do they try to learn about your issues. They get more power by making you feel lower than dirt. They do not care that Obesity is a disease and you have your own personal HELL going on inside your head and your body. They get more pleasure by starring, making obscene comments, and making you the butt of every joke out in public.
I attempted suicide December 2001. I was sick and tired of being morbidly obese and I saw no way out of this body. I was miserable and hated myself. I wanted to die. I was tired of it. I was tired of feeling like a failure. I was tired of the pain and I wanted it and everything else to end. I drove to the local lake and cried and cried about my decision because I felt so bad. I called my mother and talked to her for one hour to tell her how much I loved her and how much I appreciated her. I then told her that I was going to kill myself by driving my car into the lake.
My mother kept telling me to calm down and how much she loved me and how much she wanted me to come home and how much it would hurt her if I did this. I just kept telling her how ugly and fat I was and how much I hated myself and would be better off dead and no one deserve to be this big and miserable and that no one loved me. She kept telling me how much she loved me and how much my family loved me. The part that changed everything for me was when she said if I killed myself she would not be able to go on. She said that if I killed myself a part of her would die as well. I kept crying through the whole conversation.
I had the hardest time hanging up the phone with my mother. I loved her so much and it was tearing me up inside knowing that I was causing her so much pain. I felt even worse about myself so I hung up and started the car and proceeded to drive into the lake when the police came and stopped me.
They had been in contact with my parents from the time I called my mom and said I was going to kill myself by driving into the lake. They were searching for me from the moment my parents called them. That was the worst time in my life. My mom and dad showed up and just hugged me and we cried and I went home with them.
My suicide attempt was that moment that I decided to do something about my weight and my life. I started going to counseling and researching about weight loss methods again. After years of debate, turmoil, research, and dieting I came to the conclusion that Laproscopic Gastric Bypass surgery was the best way for me to save my life. I had contemplated weight loss surgery 6 years earlier, but was not ready to make such a drastic change in my life.
I was tired of living my life trapped beneath all of this fat. I had Laproscopic Gastric Bypass 6-6-02 and at the time of surgery I weighed 305. I now weigh 150 and have now lost 158 pounds (a whole person) and my life is so great. I went from a size 28 or XXXL to a size 6 or M in clothes. My BMI was 47.8 and is now 23. I am no longer depressed or suicidal. I have everything in life going for me now. I no longer have obstructive sleep apnea. I am the healthiest that I have ever been. I have my spirit back. I smile all the time now. I love to shop now. I am dating nice men now. Granted I still have not my Prince and have had to kiss a lot of frogs, but I refuse to give up hope that my Prince will find me. I am hella more social. I am helping others who are interested in having weight loss surgery or just weight loss and getting in shape for that matter. I fulfilled my dream of becoming a Certified Personal Trainer 5/16/03. I am a full-time college student. I train on the side, but mainly got certified so I could learn the ropes and not have to pay anyone else. I work out a lot and love to help others live healthy and realize that there is a better life out there for them then being obese or overweight.
I am now at goal weight and am leading a healthy life, but I maintain by eating healthy everyday and working out 6 days a week alternating upper and lower body with cardio and ab work and eating 6 small meals a day basically consisting of turkey, chicken, lots of fruits and vegetable and EAS Myoplex ready to drink shakes . My weight is between 150 - 155 and do not wish to lose anymore weight I just wish to build more muscle and tone up more. I Love feeling that burn of working out.
No one should have to suffer the way I did growing up and as an adult because of their weight and the social stigma that comes with being obese in America. Weight loss surgery was not the easy way out for me. It was the only way. I am in still in counseling and on medication, due to some eating disorder issues that I am struggling with and probably will always struggle with on and off throughout the course of my life, but I am in recovery and that feels good to be able to say that. I have become a completely different person inside and out and never again will I let anyone steal my spirit.
Take care and enjoy my site.
