I think this will be the last of it. The crying, all the screams and moans of frustration and anger are gone. I think I'm ready to handle the pain.
I still miss the old times. I still miss having fun with you. All of us together. We had some good times, huh? You were my best friends. That's true, and I know it more than ever now. Our friendship was true. There's no doubt in my mind now.
I take back only a few things. I'm sorry I was angry at both of you. I'm sorry I was screaming so much. I know how much you hated to see me mad. I wonder if it scared you, or if it hurt you that I was so upset. Either way, I regret it. I regret ever saying those words.
However, I'm not sorry for loving you too much. That was why I was mad. You could have hurt yourselves, and it turned out I was the one who hurt you more. I failed you, and I can't take that back. I can't turn time back and fix what I screwed up.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for doing this, and I'm sorry for making so many people cry. Not just our family, but everyone else I know cared for you. I'm sorry for causing so much pain in their hearts, and in mine. I don't think I can say it enough. I'm so sorry.
I'm so desperate to hold you in my arms, and I wouldn't be ashamed to cry infront of you. I would give the world to show my feelings in the right way. I love you, both of you. I love you so much.
By my mistakes, I turned the world upside down. I know I have. Two out of three are gone, and I'm just as empty. I'm no use to anyone anymore. I'm nothing. Then again, was I ever anything but nothing?
I have to admit now that I was jealous. So much attention was given to the both of you. I was just me. Nothing special. I think that was part of the reason I was mad, too. Still, though, everything I said was purely for your benefit. I would never be so stupid as to take out my insecurities on you.
I need to go now. I'm getting too worked up. I think I need to sleep. Yes, sleep would be good. Maybe I'll dream about the good times. The times before all the fame, not that having fame made things bad. Just, when we were young and innocent, and nothing seemed to matter, we would sit around for hours at a time talking about nothing. Our laughter was continuous. I miss that.
So, here is my goodbye. My goodbye to all the crying, all the blame. I want to lock it up. I want to try to start my life over. I wish you both could be here with me to do this. But, right now, I have to help myself. It's time to do this.
I love you both, so much. Taylor, the one who would listen to me when I needed it most. Zac, the one who could cheer me up faster than anyone else could even attempt.
I folded the paper and put it in my breast pocket. I needed them. All I could do was stare down, my eyes clouded with the tears I vowed to keep in place. This was best.
"Ike, it's cold. Mom wants you to come inside, ok?" My younger sister, Jessica, came up beside me with a worried expression on her face. Her small cheeks were already reddened by the harsh, cold wind. With her heavy coat wrapped tightly around her, she still shivered.
"Ok." I smiled. "I'll go, but only if you do me a favor."
I took the letter out of my pocket, and once she saw it she knew what to do. There's been so many letters, so many times I felt I had to plead with them to forgive me. This one was the final one, though. This was the end to all the madness going on in my mind.
She took the letter from my hand, and stepped between the two head stones. There, she took the lid off the heavy glass jar, and put it on top of the rest of them. As she started walking back to me, she smiled. For the first time in so many months, one of my family members smiled. Not just any smile, but a real smile.
She came up behind me, and put her hands on the handles of my chair. It was getting easier for her to wheel me up to the house. She was growing up so much, and for years I hadn't noticed.
My final goodbye, Tay and Zac. In this heart in me, you'll always be kept. Always be remembered. If there is such a thing as fate, then this is what it was. I had four other siblings that are practically strangers to me. They wont be for long, though. I'll make sure of it.
