The Sad & the Pathetic: Issue 25

Hidy ho neighbors,

	The semester is almost over. . . hallelujah. In a week I’ll be enjoying my own room, my own bed,
 my own bathroom. ..mine mine mine. Woohoo. So I have one class completely finished. Yeah!. . . My
 self-portrait in clay . . . looks like me. Yes, this is scary.  I think if I put it on the shelf across
 from my bed I’d wake up every morning. . open my eyes. . and. . AHHHH! 
	We have these secret snowflakes, where we give gifts to a person without them knowing and
 then find out a couple of days later who they are. I’m afraid for the person I'm giving stuff to to find out it’s me. She’s going to slug me. I’m really pathetic. I should probably check my voice messages more than once every full moon. The problem is that I never get real messages so what’s the point. Allora. . well my snowflake is pretty cool. She gave me a spiderman pez dispenser(no Carrie you can’t have it) and some play-doh. I have never had play-doh. Am I the only one who never played with it? My parents gave Scott and me a twig and rocks and said, “Have fun kids.” They’d come back several hours later and unlock the shed. . I mean and make sure we were okay and we’d have gotten an escape hole half way. . I mean a fortress built. We’d stack rolls of asbestos and rocks along with barb wire. . . it was tons of fun. 
	Back to the snowflakes. .  well most of you know it as secret Santa, but of course this is
 Smith so we need to make it non-denominational. well what about places that don’t get snowflakes?
 Huh? Like Dallas. . .This is regionalism. Why don’t we include all regions? How about secret dirt?
 but then do deserts have dirt? I think maybe they just have sand. . it could be dirty sand. . so that
 could count. Next year I’m going to have Secret Dirt. and if it’s non-denominational why are we
 having it near Christmas and Hanukkah? What about Buddhists? Hindus? Taoists? Why don’t we have
 it during the beginning of March? hmmm. . . . You call it sad. . I call it pathetic. Let’s call the whole
 thing off. 
	Well I was visiting Brigitte, as I am want to do. Mostly I just go lay on her bed. I found
 a book, which I subsequently “borrowed” for my enjoyment and of course. . yours. It’s called “Women
 are from Venus, Men are from Hell.”  Now I have been accused of being a man basher, but there is
 someone in one of my classes who I believe has a much greater “Issue” with them. I sneezed(as
 always) in class and said to her as a joke, “I must be allergic to something in here.” she
 replies,”Yeah, men.” Whoa. . . the only guy in our class is the professor first of all. Secondly, I don’t
 consider him much of a man. Part of it could be that he’s my professor. I seem to have a lot of
 classes with male professors now that I think about it. hmmm. . I’ll analyze that later. 
So some quotes from the book.

Searching for a boy in high school is like searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.   
 		-Amy Heckerling, Clueless

If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
		-George Carlin        (I don’t know. Let’s ask Drew.)

There are three things most men love but never understand: females, girls, and women.     	
Anonymous     (It seems that they forgot to add “fake women”, what do you think, Tony?)

Whenever you see a man with a handkerchief, socks, and a tie to match, you may be sure he is wearing
 a present.    -Frank Case   (if it’s from me. . . .purple)
 
What men really mean: “It’s a guy thing.” Really means . . “There is no rational thought pattern
 connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
  -Anonymous     (Ohhhhh. . why didn’t you say that in the first place, Brat?)

I sleep with my teddy bear because I know where he’s been.
		-Anonymous (Ouch!)

I’ve always resisted the notion that there is canine in every guy, and yet, that sure would explain a
 few things, not the least of which is this oxymoron: Pamela Anderson Lee, “actress.”   -Leonard
 Pitts. Jr.

	You’re going to have to hold on while I try to put my pez candy in my dispenser. I have an urge
 to eat sugar in rectangles. Did you know that they have instructions on how to put the candy in the
 dispenser. I thought you were just born knowing that kind of stuff. Did you know that my uncle is
 Spiderman? He is. Peter Parker. Although he doesn’t look anything like the cartoon you see on t.v. I
 don’t know why they pretend to say things like.  .grape candy. I have never had a grape this color or
 this flavor. They should just say. .purplish candy- sugar flavor. Let’s be truthful here.  okay. . Sara
 just asked me if I was going to tap tonight. I thought she was asking me if I was going tap dancing.
 Oops. Talk about being confused. Speaking of confusion, I had a little talk with Jesselin. She was
 ranting on about being obsessed about something. . yes you do say you are obsessed about a lot of
 things. . . so anyway. .she’s telling me about how she says things to her professors and they get all
 flustered and confused. I asked her, “How come you never confuse me?” She said she I was too wily
 or something like that. It was then that I realized I confuse myself enough without anyone helping
 me. . as the tap example proves.
	Well I suggested to Emma that we hold a different kind of fund drive from the usual SOS
 drives for needy children and the like. This one would be called BSAICM. Bribing the School of the
 Art Institute of Chicago for Mary. I asked my advisor what my chances of getting in were. . he said,
 “I don’t know” like the honest person he is. I told my mom about my doubts. . .She said, “Oh you’ll get
 in. There’s nothing to worry about.” I don’t think my mom realizes that I’m not their kid. Moms. .
 what are you going to do with them? I can’t live without them. . don’t want to break up their
 delusional “my child is perfect” views. The other day I told my mom that she was on crack. She said,
 “Why yes, yes I am.” hahahahaha. . .only my mom. 
	Okay enough of this silliness. I need to consume my daily amount of sugar and finish reading a
 book called. . .”The Restoration of Love” I have twenty pages left and I haven’t touched it since
 Thanksgiving. I still haven’t figured out where love went and where it’s going once it’s restored. but
 I suppose that will pop up eventually.  I hope this isn’t one of those “thinking” books. 

have a lovely day 
ci vediamo
-Mare

now for all the “hard times” I give guys I’d like to add this one.

Men are the enemy, but I still love the enemy.
		-Cameron Crowe, Jerry McGuire