The Sad & the Pathetic: Issue 54

Hello my roastlings,

	How is the world treating you? I realized while in Greece that when we are ‘tanning’ or as I
 call it ‘getting cancer’ we are technically baking. Broiling. Cooking. “To cook: to subject to the
 action of fire or heat.” Gee, that sounds sexy. It appropriately reminds me of a Seinfeld where
 Kramer decided to baste himself in butter instead of tanning oil to get a good tan and Newman kept
 picturing him as a turkey. I bet going to the beach is tough for cannibals. It would be like going to
 your favorite restaurant and not being able to eat any food. 
	Speaking of food. I was food. Not to humans, well with the exception of ‘feast your eyes on
 this pasty white perfection’; rather I was many delicious meals to the local mosquitoes. Now you
 could call me a connoisseur of mosquitoes. They have feasted on my delicious flesh all over the
 world. They travel miles just to have the possibility of trying my delicate flavor. I have tried
 eating garlic in large quantities(the garlic around my neck is for other reasons-those with a y
 chromosome). The mosquito of Skopelos is smaller than the Texas one. Well let’s admit it,
 everything is bigger in Texas. *wink* But wow those little suckers pack quite a punch. On my right
 arm I counted 24 bites. Just my right arm. I would have counted the rest, but I had run out of toes
 and Barb wouldn’t help me. I would cower under my sheets at night. Covering my head hoping that I
 had sealed them out, but the joke was on me. They were already in my bed before I got in, so they
 were under the covers giggling at my folly. Sonya lent me her mosquito repellent for the last couple
 of days or so. Or perhaps you could say I appropriated it and gave it back eventually. (Hey, I would
 have had my boyfriend confiscate it as official business, but he was back in Athens ironing his 400
 pleated skirt- I quickly learned not to interrupt a man while he’s ironing. Well it was more like I
 was so stunned that a man was ironing that I was rooted in place and that’s what angered him. . ..but
 what are you going to do?) This repellent was the good stuff. “Double strength”. “Tested in the
 Australian Rain Forest” insect repellent. How could you lose? Plus on the front it says “For People”.
 Well phew! Glad we cleared that up. Of course at this point I would have put on ‘Secret’ repellent.
 You know. .. strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. Whatever that means. These mosquitoes
 would bite everywhere. They have no shame! No decency. I think some mosquito put an advertisement
 outside our door. “All you can eat buffet!’ The menu consists of appetizers, anti pasta, main
 selection, salad, and dessert. Unfortunately it’s all me! I can just see them now ordering, “I’ll take
 a leg to start, followed by the right arm as a main course with the ear for dessert and a jaw bone
 bite to go with the after dinner brandy. Ah!
	As I was ‘showering’ as you only can in Europe, there was a mosquito buzzing around. I quickly
 learned that the water was solar powered when I tried to take a shower at 8 in the morning. My
 grandfather may have liked a cold shower to wake him up in the morning, but I don’t think that cruel
 punishment should be inflicted until 2 pm or so. After I had finished my ritual of coating ever
 surface in the bathroom with water at least once in my effort to rinse my hair of the ‘free’ shampoo
 and make my own small bathroom sea(seeing the sea out of the window just wasn’t close enough), I
 heroically killed the mosquito soaring around my head! Ah ha! I proclaimed to the bathroom walls! In
 my victory, I failed to recognize that the reservations for tonight’s Restaurant di Mare were
 booked solid. 
	Last but not least I would like to mention the International Man of Mystery. I would tell you
 his name, but I don’t want to ruin his cover. *cough*MichaelMiller*cough* I don’t think it’s a
 coincidence that his initials are MM like. . Man of Mystery. Poor man was head prof of our trip
 along with Kathleen, his wife. Hi guys. Whose initials happen to be KK. *raising eyebrows* MM. .. KK.
 . .?? Seems a little too neat and tidy, which just adds to my suspicion. Plus, it seems more legit if
 they travel as a couple. . . hmmm. . . . it’s all coming together. Well the truth started coming out
 when I discovered that Michael has an international card. One in Korean and the other in Japanese.
 He says they’re because he’s the senior advisor to international relations, but of course you have to
 have a well thought out explanation for everything. Hello. . . that’s just a natural past of espionage.
 Sonya and I subtly tried to break his cover by doing little innocent things such as asking if his
 middle name was ‘Danger’. She sang ‘Secret Agent Man’ to him while I artistically ‘danced’ to it. You
 know. . . We would tease him about being James Bond and he would joke and say that he was going to
 leave us in Greece. Actually, now that I think about it, it was only me he was going to leave in
 Greece. Hmmm. . . :-) On the plane back they showed ‘Miss. Congeniality’. I think it’s a cute movie.
 For those of you who don’t know what it’s about, Sandra Bullock is FBI who goes undercover at a
 beauty pageant. After the movie Sonya and I planned all these things to say to him when he came
 back down the isle, but by the time he got back we were laughing so hard we couldn’t do it. He just
 looked at us knowing somehow that it was referencing his ‘internationalism’. When I finally
 recovered I asked him if this movie had reminded him of any past jobs. You know. . touched a soft
 spot. After a little bit he passed back a napkin that said ‘I’m sensitive’. To which I wrote ‘ You’re
 sensitive or the role you’re assuming is sensitive?’ and ‘Yeah, I’ll believe that when spies fly. .. oh
 wait. . . ‘. Sonya then added something. I’ll have to ask her what it was. Then I added ‘This napkin
 will self-destruct in five seconds’. We passed it back to him.  He laughed and hung his head probably
 thinking ‘I can’t win!’ I don’t know. . what were you thinking international man? And was it in
 English? Or perhaps Korean? Japanese? How many languages do you know? 
	Speaking of languages. . . Your Geek lesson is. . . . 

Pick-up line in Geek:

Just because our computers are incompatible doesn’t mean we are.



*huge hugs*
ci vediamo
-Mare