It took me a long time to think of something that I was sure I could write more than a page on, but I think I've finally got it. My little brother, or should I say younger brother, since he now outweighs me by around 80 or 90 pounds, is a source of much joy and even more frustration in my life. It is nearly impossible to understand the true meaning of patience until you have lived a life with a mentally handicapped person. My brother, Ryan, needs almost everything done for him, which has gotten more and more annoying as he's gotten older. He is around the mental age of a 3 or 4 year old, with the vocabulary to match it, but he suddenly has the body of a 14 year old boy. But, now that I have complained about some of the worst parts of living with my brother, I guess I should go back a few years to when my little brother was someone who I could protect and love, not yell or scream at, or be sat upon by. When I was around six or seven and he was first learning how to talk, I was the only person who could understand what he wanted. Even my parents would come to me to find out what he was trying to communicate. It was as if we had our own private language that only I knew, and I knew exactly what he needed just by one word or look or motion. I specificly remember one time when we were young, and Ryan had started crying about something in a grocery store, and I overheard a man in the next aisle tell his kid something like, "Look at that brat," and I was so mad at him that I stormed over and told him not to say that about my brother, that he couldn't help it, and that it wasn't his fault. Though I would never dream of doing this today, I sometimes look back on it to remind myself that, at some time in my life, as strange as it may seem, I did love my brother, and that someday, once he's stopped being a teenager and started being the sweet kid I once knew, I'll feel that love again. But, for right now, I hate his yelling for everything, I hate how he can't even put on slip-on shoes or buckle a seatbelt, and I hate how he looks at me with those soft grey eyes and puffy cheeks after he has just smashed my toes with his shoe again and says "sowee, Daty."

~katie

ok, that was the fall semester of my junior year, and now i'm about to start my senior year, and i have a little to add to this page on my brother. for the past 2 weeks, he has been really really sick. it scares me to death, and everyone always says the best way to get over your fear of something is to talk about it, so here it goes. 2 mondays ago, we picked him up early from camp capers because he was acting really wierd, and they couldn't handle him anymore. we brought him home, and all he did for a week was sit in a chair and stare straight ahead. every few minutes, he would start to cry, but if you asked him what was wrong or if he was alright, he would just stop and go back to staring again. his hands wouldn't stop shaking, and he wouldn't eat. i took him out to the movies to see if that would cheer him up, and he just held my hand the whole night like something was scaring him. it didn't matter if everyone saw him holding his sister's hand.

so last monday (july 28), my mom took him to the hospital around 4 in the afternoon, and they said that they wanted to observe him for 23 hours. they said him was just constipated, and they gave him one of those enima things (or however they spell that). the next morning, i sat with him in the hospital for several hours so my mom could go home and shower (she spent every night in the hospital with him), and my dad could take a break, too. if a doctor came in to talk to my parents, ryan would cry, so they would always have to step out in the hall so he couldn't hear what they were saying about him. i was late for cheerleading practice because my dad wasn't back, and i couldn't just leave ryan alone in that horrible hospital room. after cheerleading, i picked up one of my friends, justin, who has always been really good with ryan. he came and stayed until with us until around 6 that night. once when my parents had stepped out of the room, we actually managed to get ryan laughing for the first time since we brought him home from camp. on wednesday, i picked justin up at 9:00 in the morning, and we stayed at the hospital until after midnight. while ryan was have some tests and scans done, we used paper and paint from the kid's playroom to make signs to decorate his room. we used my old i-zone poleroid camera to take pictures of one of ryan's stuffed animals outside and put them up around his room. on thursday, after less than 6 hours of sleep, justin and i were at the hospital again before 8 a.m. to say goodbye to ryan before his scheduled kidney surgery. (now he has a stint in his kidney to drain fluid through a tube into a bag that hangs at his side.) i skipped cheerleading for a second day in a row, and i was there to talk to ryan right after he woke up from surgery. that night justin and i only stayed until 8:00. on friday, i went back to the hospital alone for a few hours, and then i left for this church thing called happening. they released him from the hospital later that day, and he was home for the weekend. then yesterday (monday again), they took him back in for a biopsy in his small intestins (something about a celiac disease, i think). they put a tube with a camera and knife down his throat all the way to the biopsy spot. on the way, they found out that he has burns in his esophogus from acid reflux and big ulcers in his stomach. he also has inflamed intestins, a symptom of this celiac disease. he's having one surgery on thursday (the day after tomorrow) to remove an obstructed part of the tube between his kidney and bladder. then he'll have 2 more surgeries in the next few weeks to take out the tube and to make sure everythings working right. oh, and on top of all this, he has kidney sand, which is like kidney stones, but it's a fine powder that sits in the kidney. ouch...

right after i finished writing this yesterday, my mom called up to tell me that she was taking ryan back to the hospital. my dad came home, and he told me that he was going with them. i asked him if he would stay home with me, because i really didn't want to be alone, but he payed no attention and went anyway. once again, i was left alone in the house until 12:30 in the morning. they said they needed to stablize him before he could have his surgery tomorrow. this morning, they found out that his stint had shifted and wasn't working. i don't know if he'll still have that surgery tomorrow. i don't know anything, really...

ryan had 2 surgeries yesterday (one to replace the kidney stint in the morning and another to remove the twisted part of the tube between his kidney and bladder), and they are keeping him in ICU for the next day or 2. it's really scary, and i think he can sence the tension in the room. last night, he kept asking me if he was going to die. i think he's in a lot of pain. that's about it for now, more later.