She put in long hours at the studio, working hard to make the album sound the best she could. Her dad and Tyler tried to make Amanda’s adjustment to being back home as easy as possible, but they could tell she was drifting away from them.
“You feeling all right, Manda?” Tyler asked.
“Yeah. I’m just tired,” Amanda assured him. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Okay,” Tyler replied, fumbling with the earphones in his hands.
She shrugged it off adjusting her own earphones. Her solo was to be recorded next, and she needed to focus.
“Okay, Mandy,” said the engineer. “I want you to hit that note with everything you’ve got.”
Amanda nodded and gave Tyler a thumbs up sign. The music started, and Steve and Tyler harmonized with the chorus. She heard a sound like wind, but it didn’t come from the playback. It came from inside her own head. The engineer hovered over the switchboard and held up his index finger in the air, motioning to Amanda to wait for her cue. She tried to concentrate but couldn’t.
“If you ever embarrass me like that again, you won’t live to see another day! Do you hear me?!” Amanda shivered as she remembered being knocked to the ground. She covered her head to block another blow, but he didn’t give up. He went from punching her face to kicking her in the stomach. She squirmed, trying to get up, but it was hopeless. She could feel her face swell from the first blow. The knot behind the bruise had already made it to the surface. She wiped her hand across her mouth and caught a quick glimpse of blood smeared on the back of her hand.
Amanda was suddenly out of breath. She stared at the wood floor at the reflections made from the lights above.
“Amanda?” Steve said. “You missed your cue.”
“I’m sorry, Dad.” She shook her head from side to side making sure that what she remembered wasn’t happening. “I’ll do it again.”
“Honey, you don’t look so good. Why don’t you just go home and lay down? Tyler and I will be fine here. I think you need some rest.”
“No,” Amanda refused.
“Manda, go home,” said Tyler.
She thought for a moment and then said, “Okay. I’m gonna go home. Um. Call me if you need me.” She rubbed her eyes with her wrist and sighed.
Getting into her car at the studio, Amanda knew full-well that she wasn’t going home just to lie down.
When she walked in the front door, she threw her keys onto the table in the hallway and headed straight to the jewelry box. She tossed her purse onto her bed and retrieved the blade. The edge of the bathtub was freezing on her bare legs. She struggled for breath. The tears came so suddenly while she sliced at the skin. She couldn’t explain the feeling she got from cutting. It just seemed to take her away from her pain. Everything went away. Josh, the beatings, the words, everything. It all flowed out of that tiny little cut. The deeper she cut, the more she could release. She brought the pain upon herself. It seemed like the only thing in her dark little world that she could control. Amanda continually wounded herself, not caring about destroying her body. That didn’t matter to her. All that mattered was relieving the pain. It didn’t matter how she did it, only why she did it.
“Amanda, are you in here?” she heard a voice call.
She panicked.
The doorknob turned, in what seemed like slow-motion. Amanda forgot to lock the door.
“Oh my god!”
Amanda’s tiny little legs were covered with blood, and there stood Tyler in the doorway. Amanda tried to hide the razor, but Tyler had already seen it.
“What are you doing?!” Tyler cried. Tears streamed down his face, looking at Amanda in confusion.
