This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender serves the drink, the guy asks, "Hey, I heard a good Aggie joke the other day. Do you want to hear it?" The bartender says, "Well before you tell it, I should warn you that I'm an Aggie. See those two guys at the end of the bar? They're Aggies. And see those guys over at that table. They're Aggies too. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?" The guy replied, "Hell no! I don't want to explain it five times..."

These two Aggies were standing on a corner next to an old stray dog. All of a sudden, the dog started licking his balls. One Aggie looked down and said, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that." The other Aggie leaned around and said, "Go ahead, he looks friendly..."

Important Information!

Subject: Hurricane Evacuation Plan:

In case of hurricane, follow the Houston Evacuation Plan:

Hispanics use I10 West to San Antonio

Cajuns use I10 East to Lafayette

Yankees use I45 North to Oklahoma

Aggies use 610 Loop

You have just received the "Aggie Virus"!!! As we don't have any
programming experience, this Virus works on the honor system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive, and manually
forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thanks for your
cooperation.

A cowpoke in West Texas was herding cattle one day when he heard
 faint
  music coming from nearby. After hunting about for a time, he
 discovered
  the sound was loudest near one particular calf, and was even louder
 near
  the calf's tail. Putting his head close to the calf's hind end, he
 heard
  "The eyes of Texas are upon you, all the live long day..."
 
  Amazed, he tossed the calf over his horse's back, mounted and rode
 quickly
  to his line shack 10 miles away. There he put the calf into his
 truck
 and
  drove 74 miles to Ft. Stockton, where he took the animal to a vet.
 
  When the vet asked him what was going on, the cowpoke told him, and
 the
  vet went around behind the calf and gave a listen, too. He agreed he
 heard
  "The eyes of Texas are upon you, you cannot get away..." but didn't
 seem
  particularly excited.
 
  "Man, how can you stand there and not be amazed?" the cowpoke asked.
 The
  vet, a third generation Aggie, said, "Bud, I'm an Aggie, and I've
 been
  listening to assholes sing the "Eyes of Texas" for years."

================================================================================ ================================================================  1 = There were these three Aggie agricultural students driving along this old farm road one day when they saw this farm, pulled in, and knocked on the farmer's door. The farmer answered the door and the three students introduced themselves and said, "We were just passing by and saw your field of buttercups and was wondering if we could go and get us a bucket full of butter?" The old farmer scratched his head and said, "You boys ain't gonna get no butter from buttercups but your more than welcome to try." About an hour later, the three came back, thanked the farmer, and drove off with their bucket full of butter. The farmer once again scratched and shook his head, mumbled under his breath about "them damn uni students" and went on about his business. About three months later, the same three students came up to the farm, knocked on the door, and asked the farmer if he remembered them. He chuckled and asked what he could do for them this time? One of them said, "We were just driving by and happened to see you now have a field of milkweed and we were wondering if we could go out and get us a bucket of milk?" Once again, the old farmer chuckled, shook his head, scratched it and sarcastically said, "You boys go on out there and get your milk from my milkweeds." Once again, about an hour later, the three came back with their bucket overflowing with fresh milk and drove off. This time, the farmer was really confused, but just a little less skeptical. It was about three or four months later when the three agricultural students came back and again knocked on the farmer's door, this time saying that they were driving by and saw the field full of pussywillows. Needless to say, the farmer went with them this time on their excursion.  

2 = Did you hear that they outlawed "the wave" at Kyle Field? Two poor Aggies drowned at a game last year.  

3 = Did you hear about the Aggie that drove his pickup into the lake? His dog drowned while he tried to get the tailgate down.  

4 = Did you hear about the skeleton they just found in an old building at College Station? It was the 1938 hide and seek champion.  

5 = Did you hear about the Aggie who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.  

6 = Why don't Aggies eat barbecue beans? Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill.  

7 = Why don't Aggies use 911 in an emergency? Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.  

8 = How can you tell an Aggie is on location at a drilling rig? He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.  

9 = How many Aggies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Three, one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.  

10 = How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo? Two. One to do the eating, and two to watch for cars.  

11 = Two Texas Longhorn students and an Aggie were driving through the Texas countryside when their car broke down. Luckily, they were near a farmhouse. So they knocked on the door and asked the gruff old farmer if they could stay the night. The farmer agreed, but only on one bizarre condition. He told them to go out into his field, pick any fruit or vegetable they could find, then to return to the farmhouse. Some time later, the two Longhorns found themselves dead and in line at the pearly gates. Saint Peter was there, listening to their tale. "Okay," said Saint Peter, "You went out and found some fruits and vegetables. How did you die?" "Well," continued one of the Longhorns, "My friend here returned first with a cherry. Then the farmer pointed his gun at him and commanded, 'Stick that cherry up your ass, and if you laugh I'll shoot you!'" "And?" prompted Saint Peter. "He laughed, and the farmer shot him." "Why did you laugh?" Peter asked the second Longhorn. "It tickled," he said. "Then it was my turn," continued the first Longhorn. "I had also brought a cherry, and the farmer pointed his gun at me and told me the same thing. I laughed and he shot me." "And why did you laugh?" Saint Peter asked. "I saw the Aggie coming up the walkway with a watermelon."  

12 = Two exAggies decide to have a reunion. One decides to visit the other one living in a big town. The visiting Aggie gets lost and calls his friend, "Hey buddy, I am coming over but I am lost and have no idea where I am." His friend replies, "It's okay, just look at the street intersection, there will be two signs, read them to me." The lost one looks over and then says, "Okay, okay, I see them, one says 'Walk', the other one says 'Do not walk'." "Oh good, you are right down the street. I'll be over to pick you up."  

13 = Two Aggie builders were working on a house. One Aggie was on a ladder nailing. He'd reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other Aggie couldn't stand it any longer and yells up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?" The first Aggie explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!" The second Aggie got real excited and called him all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"  

14 = An Aggie decides to raise chickens. So, he goes to the feed store and buys some chicks. He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their heads sticking up. He waters them, but they die. He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with their heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die. He then sends a letter to his Alma Mater, describing the problem. They send a letter back asking for a soil sample.  

15 = Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at A&M. The senior who knew the recipe graduated.  

16 = An Aggie happens across a professor who is staring intently into an aquarium. The Aggie, says, "Professor, what _are_ you doing?" The professor answers, "I'm attempting mental telepathy with this fish. You see, if my mind is stronger than theirs, I can control their thoughts. Umm, why don't you try it!" The Aggie, certain of his ability to successfully control the fish, stares into the tank for a few seconds. Then, all of the sudden, his eyes start bugging and his mouth makes a little 'o' shape like he's pushing water through his gills. (Do this in front of a mirror for full effect!)  

17 = Three college friends, one each from University of Texas, Baylor, and Texas A&M, decided to pool their funds and go to the Olympics in Barcelona. The airfare and hotel rates ate up most of their money so they didn't have enough to get into the stadium to see the events. So they stood around the gate watching all the other people get in and then noticed that some people didn't have to pay. Whenever an athlete passed the guard with his (or her) equipment, the guard would simply nod and let them through. So the three visitors quickly trotted off to a nearby hardware store and came back shortly to try to get in. The Baylor student walked up to the guard and gestured at the long pole he carried. "Pole vaulting," he said, and the guard waved him through. The University of Texas student, having rigged up an ax to a length of chain, approached the guard next and showed off his wares. "Ax throwing," he said, and the guard shrugged and waved him through. The Aggie came last with a roll of chain link on his shoulder. "Fencing."  

18 = The star wide receiver for the Texas A&M Aggies football team, Bubba, was walking down the street one day when he came across a fire in a four-story building. On the fourth floor, a woman was yelling out the window, "Save my baby! Save my baby!" The gathering crowd had no idea of what to do until Bubba got a great idea, so he shouted, "Ma'am, just throw the baby down to me and I will catch it. I am the star wide receiver for the Aggies." At first, the woman was not convinced, but the approaching flames eventually changed her mind. So, she closed her eyes after Bubba was ready and flung the baby out of the window. It happened to be a bit of a windy day, so Bubba had trouble judging the baby's trajectory. He had to run a bit left, then a bit right, then left again. At the last moment, a gust of wind caused the baby to go back to the right. Bubba stretched his arms out, jumped, and made a spectacular diving catch to the roar of the crowd. Bubba then jumped back up, held the baby in the air while yelling and doing a celebratory dance. After that, Bubba went ahead and spiked the baby...  

19 = The huge college football rivalry in Texas is the annual big game between the Texas Longhorns and the Texas A&M Aggies. A few years back, the Longhorns would win this game every year. The Aggie coaches called a meeting after a particularly bad thrashing one year to figure out why they couldn't beat the Longhorns. They decided to go straight to the source and send one of their assistant coaches, Bubba, to Austin to find the answer. Bubba decided to go straight to the top, walked right onto the Longhorn practice field and went directly to the Longhorn head coach and asked, "Why do y'all beat the Aggies every year?" Darrell, the Texas coach replied, "Well, it's 'cause Aggies are stupid. Let me demonstrate..." Darrell led Bubba to the brick building at the end of the field, held his hand up against the wall, and said, "Hit my hand." Bubba couldn't pass up this chance to do harm to the leader of the Longhorns, so he cocked his fist way back and threw his hardest punch. At the last moment, Darrell moved his hand out of the way and Bubba went back to College Station with a broken hand. The Aggie head coach was eager to learn what Bubba had found out in Austin and asked him the next day during practice. Bubba explained, "Well, we are losing every year because Aggies are stupid. Let me demonstrate..." He looked around the field, but couldn't see a brick wall. So he held his hand in front of his face and said, "Hit my hand."  

20 = It was a busy day for the electric chair. Today, three men were up for the juice. The first man was a political scientist from Baylor University. He was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final comments. He replied, "I had a promising career in politics until...I was framed, I tell you, framed!" His tirade was interrupted by the flick of the switch, but nothing happened. As was the custom at this particular prison, the Baylor man was taken from the chair and allowed to live after the failed execution attempt. The second man was a computer scientist from the University of Texas. His final words were, "I had a promising career in computing, but I didn't think that tampering with the national air traffic control system would crash THAT many planes..." Again, the electrical switch was flipped and again nothing happened. The man was released from the chair and allowed to live. The third man was an electrical engineer, named Bubba, from Texas A&M University. Bubba was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final words. He says, "I had a promising career as an electrical engineer, but, you know, if y'all cross that red wire over there with that blue wire, this thing will work."  

21 = It seems a group of four Aggies (students from Texas A&M for those unfamiliar with the traditions between Texas and Texas A&M) were arrested just outside of Austin by Travis County Sheriff's officers early one morning (Nov 4). They were spotted removing highway signs from their signposts and taking them. Their explanation was that they were going to use the signs as fuel in the traditional Aggie Bon Fire which is held the week before the Texas/Texas A&M football game which is on Nov 26. All the signs in the back of their truck had the word "Austin" in them (they were mileage markers reading "Austin 44", "Austin 24", "Austin 16", etc.) and formed a trail leading back to College Station. The signs were all made of metal.  

22 = A reporter for the Dallas Morning News decided to write a series on Aggies. In order to get more information, he went to College Station to do his research. On the first day, he decided to drive his car in. He went into the library, got in a good day's work, and walked back to the parking lot. A group of Aggies were gathered around his car. They were saying, "Is it an airplane? No, I don't think so. Is it a bicycle? No, I don't think so. Is it a boat? No, I don't think so." Finally, the smart Aggie in the back piped up, "I know what that is, it's a car!" The rest of the Aggies were impressed, applauded him, and the crowd dispersed. The next day, the reporter decided to ride a motorcycle to campus. When he finished working, the group of Aggies were gathered around his hog: "Is it an airplane? No, I don't think so. Is it a bicycle? No, I don't think so. Is it a boat? No, I don't think so." Finally, the smart Aggie in the back again piped up, "I know what that is, it's a car!" The rest of the Aggies were impressed, applauded him, and the crowd dispersed. The next day, the reporter decided to really throw the Aggies for a loop and rode in his...oh, what are those one wheeled things...ummmm... [this is when the person you are telling this joke to replies "unicycle" at which point you applaud him or her.] 

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Texas 
longhorn.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they are longhorns too. 
No one
really knowing what a texas longhorn was, but wanting to be like their
teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone 
along
with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be 
different.

"Because I'm not a longhorn." Then, asks the teacher, what are you?

"Why, I'm a proud Texas Aggie," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks
Kristen why she is a rebel.

"Well, my mom and dad are Aggies, so I'm an Aggie too."

The teacher is now angry.

"That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and 
your
dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

Kristen paused, and then smiled.

"Then," says Kristen, "I'd be a longhorn."

Somewhere in Texas, in the middle of the night, there was a Texas Aggie 
driving on the road between College Station and Austin. 

At the same time there was a Texas Longhorn driving from Austin to College 
Station.

There were no other cars on the road and the hit head-on and both cars went 
flying off in different directions.

The Aggie manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks 
at his twisted car and says, "I can't believe I survived this wreck."

Likewise, the Longhorn scrambles out of his car and looks at the wreckage. 
He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The Longhorn walks over to the Aggie and says, "Hey, man, I think this is a 
sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as 
friends instead of arch rivals."

The Aggie thinks a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right. We 
should be friends. Right now I am going to see what else survived this 
wreck."

The Aggie walks over and pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle 
of Jack Daniels. He says to the Longhorn, "I think this is another sign from 
God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship."

The Longhorn says, "You're danged right." and grabs the bottle and starts 
chugging down the whiskey. After putting away nearly half of the bottle the 
Longhorn hands the bottle back the Aggie and says, "Your turn."

The Aggie twists the cap back on and says, "Naww, I think I'll just wait for 
the cops to show up."

The Aggie Way
   
   In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and an
   Aggie were standing sidebyside using the urinal.
   
   The accountant finished, zipped up and started
   washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear
   up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels
   before he finished. He turned to the other two men
   and commented, "I graduated from the University of
   Michigan and they taught us to be clean."
   
   The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the
   tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and
   commented, "I graduated from the University of
   California and they taught us to be environmentally
   conscious."
   
   The Aggie zipped up and as he was walking out the
   door said, "I graduated from Texas A&M University
   and they taught us not to piss on our hands."

 A University of Texas grad dies, and God takes him on a personal tour of
 Heaven. God shows the man a little two room house with a faded Texas
 banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, sir. Most
 people don't get their own houses up here, you know," God says.
 
 The Texas grad looks at his little house, then turns around and looks at
 a huge house sitting on top of a hill. It's a three-story mansion with
 white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Texas A&M
 flags line both sides of the sidewalk, and a huge A&M banner hangs
 between the marble columns.
 
 Thanks for the house, God," says the Texas grad. "But why do I get this
 little two room shack with a faded banner, and some arrogant, inbred,
 obnoxious A&M grad gets a mansion with new A&M banners and flags flying
 all over the place? Why is that?", he asks objectionably.
 
 God looks at him sternly for a moment and replies: "Because that one is
 mine."

 Subject: Fw: Texans
 
  Instructions for NEW Texans
 
 1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later
 how 
 to 
 use it.
 
 2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean 
 we can.
 Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
 
 3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in
 the
 cab 
 of a four wheel drive with a 12pack of beer and a tow chain will be
 along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way.
 This is what they live for.
 
 4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same
 store.
 
 5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All
 y'all's"
 is 
 plural possessive.
 
 6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
 
 7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph
 zone, 
 directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to
 drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the
 proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
 
 8. If you hear a redneck exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay
 out
 of 
 his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
 
 9. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity".
 And
 the 
 collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."
 
 10. There are no delis. Don't ask.
 
 11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder 
 when
 making a point, especially in a bar.
 
 12. Chili does NOT have beans in it.
 
 13. Brisket is not 'cooked' in an oven
 
 14. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.
 
 15. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool downin
 December.
 
 16. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, 
 and
 Summer!
 
 17. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F150 is. (or
 for
 some 
 of you an F350)
 
 18. If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot"
 you
 can 
 be certain they are.
 
 19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a
 bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it.
 
 20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask.
 
 21. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't
 mean
 
 anything's broken.
 
 22. Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you
 really mean to say is 'margarita.'
 
 23. If you don't understand our passion for college and high 
 school
 
 football just keep your mouth shut.
 
 24. The value of a parking space is not determined by the 
 distance
 to
 the 
 door, but the availability of shade.
 
 25. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull on
 to
 the 
 shoulder that is called "courtesy".
 
 26. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and
 hotdogs
 
 outdoors.
 
 27. No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a 
 popular
 
 weekend pastime.
 
 28. "Tea" = Iced Tea. There is no other kind.
 
 29. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.
 Bill

Three guys a Longhorn, a Red Raider and an Aggie,
 are out walking along the beach together one day. They
 came across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will
 give you each one wish; that's three wishes total," says
 the Genie. The Red Raider says, "I am studying to be a
 farmer; my dad was a farmer and my son will also farm.
 I want the land in north Texas to forever be fertile." With
 a blink of the Genie's eye, "FOOM" the land in north Texas
 was made forever fertile.
 
 The Longhorn was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall
 around UT Campus, so that no one can come into our
 precious campus." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye,
 "POOF" there was a huge wall around UT Campus.
 
 The Aggie, being an engineer, says to the Genie, "I'm very
 curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie
 explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and
 nothing can get in or out. So, what do you want for your wish?" 
 The Aggie says, "Fill it up with water."

 HAVE YOU HEARD: An Aggie went into the men?s furnishings at Dillard's department store and asked for seven pairs of
 underwear. The clerk ask him why and he replied, "For Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday."
 Next day a Red Raider did the same. Day after, a Baylor student repeated the same experience. 
 
 On the fourth day, a teasip wandered into the same department store, looked at the clerk and said arrogantly, "I want 12 pairs of
 underwear." The bewildered clerk looked at him and then asked why? The sip replied, "For January, February, March ...

A company has just hired an Aggie, and he's assigned
his own parking space. A couple of days later, his
boss sees a shopping cart in his space. "That's odd,"
he thinks. A few more days pass, and then he sees
it again  no car, just a shopping cart. So he asks
the Aggie, "Why is there a shopping cart in your parking
space?"

"Isn't it obvious?" says the Aggie. "I have to pick
up groceries on my way home!"

After eight years in college, there is one Aggie student who still 
can't seem to get himself graduated. He got in five years on a 
football scholarship, and everyone likes him, but he just can't seem 
to make it through his classes. 

The professors and the board of regents at the school are beginning to 
be anxious about the possible damage to the school's reputation, and 
decide that graduate or not, Jethro has got to go. They are worried 
that the general public is going to hear about this student hasn't
graduated after eight years. After conferring with each other, they 
give him the news: "Jethro, we've decided that this is going to be 
your last semester at A&M. So we're going to give you a test at 
graduation time. We're going to ask you just one question, and if you 
answer it correctly, you graduate. If you answer it incorrectly, you 
don't graduate. But either way, this is your last semester and it's
time to leave the school." 

So graduation rolls around, and Jethro is the very last person to step
up, because he still has to take the test. Everyone at school knows
about it and each person in the audience holds his breath as the
university president asks Jethro the Test Question. "Jethro, what's 
four plus three?" Jethro thinks hard for a moment, and then hesitantly 
answers, "Seven?" There is a brief moment of silence, and then another 
Aggie calls out from the audience:

"Aw, gee, give him another chance!" 

A mom writing her Aggie son: 

Dear son, 

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of the home so we moved. Our new place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, I pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. It only rained twice this week. Three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you your aunt Sue said it would be a little heavy to send in the mail with them big heavy buttons so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home; said IF WE DIDN'T MAKE THE LAST PAYMENT ON GRANDMA'S FUNERAL BILL UP SHE COMES !!! Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off playfully and he drowned. We cremated him, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned they couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened. Write more later. 

Love, Mom 

P.S., I was going to send some money but already had this sealed. 

From: DDS4193@ceres.tamu.edu (Daryl D. Spillmann)
Organization: Department of Agricultural Engineering, Texas A&M University
Subject: Real life Aggie joke

My fellow graduate student, Derek Whitelock, told me this story. It actually 
happened.

Derek has a halfbrother, Gordon, who is about five years old. One Sunday 
after church, they were visiting with their pastor. The pastor asked 
the boy, "Gordon, when you grow up, do you want to go to Texas A&M like your 
brother?"

Gordon answered, "No sir. I want to go to college."

Subject: Texas talk
Three aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending
 their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the
 student from the University of Texas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
           "Sadness" said the student.
           "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from 
    Harvard. "Elation" said the 2nd student.
           "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about
 the opposite of woe?"
           The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

HAVE YOU HEARD? The teasip had an Aggie for a brother. While the texas-ex was out of town, his wife gave birth to twins and the Ag took her to the hospital. According to County law, infants had to be named immediately after birth, so the Aggie named the twins. After giving the hospital admin section the names he called his brother and told him the girl twin was named Denise.
"Why that's really a very pretty name," said the texas-ex brother. "What did you name the boy twin?"
"De Nephew," replied the Ag.

A UT Longhorn, a Baylor Bear and an Aggie robbed a bank and were trying to hide from the police.  They came to a barnyard.  The Longhorn hid behind a bale of hay with some cows.  The Baylor Bear hid in the chicken coop.  The Aggie hid in a sack of potatoes.  When the police came, they looked at the bale of hay.  The Longhorn said "moo" and the police moved on.  Then they looked at the chicken coop.  The Baylor Bear said "cheep cheep" and the police moved on.  Then they looked at the sack of potatoes.  The Aggie said "potato, potato."  So, the police took him to jail!

********************************************

A UT Longhorn, a Baylor Bear and an Aggie were going to be put to death in the electric chair.  The Longhorn sat in the chair first.  He was asked "what are your last words?"  The Longhorn said "thank you to everyone for being good to me."  The chair did nothing so he got up and walked away.  Then the Baylor Bear sat in the chair.  His last words were "thank you for the good life I have had."  The chair did nothing so he got up and walked away.  Then the Aggie sat down.  His last words were "if you really want to kill me you're going to have to plug the chair in!"

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A UT Longhorn, a Baylor Bear and an Aggie were bungee jumping.  Whatever they said when they jumped was what they would land in.  The UT Longhorn went first and he said "feathers".  Then the Baylor Bear jumped and he said "money."  Then the Aggie tripped and said "oh poop - that is what I was going to say!"  (Yuck!)

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A UT Longhorn, a Baylor Bear and an Aggie were all sentenced to be put to death by firing squad.  The UT Longhorn was first.  Ready, aim..... said the firing squad but the UT Longhorn yelled out TORNADO!   The firing squad all ran for cover and the UT Longhorn got away.

Then it was the Baylor Bear's turn.  Ready, aim.... said the firing squad but the Baylor Bear yelled out EARTHQUAKE!  The firing squad all ran for cover and the Baylor Bear got away.

Then it was the Aggie's turn.  Ready, aim.... said the firing squad - so the Aggie yelled out FIRE!!  ..............and he was dead!

A UT Longhorn, a Baylor Bear and an Aggie were all working at a construction site.  They were sitting on top of the building eating lunch and the Longhorn said - "next time I get a peanut and butter and jelly sandwich I am going to jump off the roof!"  So, the next day the Longhorn had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in his lunch box and jumped off the roof.

The next day, they were eating lunch and the Baylor Bear said - "next time I get a peanut and butter and jelly sandwich I am going to jump off the roof!"  So, the next day the Baylor Bear had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in his lunch box and jumped off the roof.

The next day at lunch, the Aggie said - "next time I get a peanut and butter and jelly sandwich I am going to jump off the roof!"  So, the next day the Aggie  had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in his lunch box and jumped off the roof.

At their funeral, the Aggie's mom was laughing.  The Longhorn's mom said "Why are you laughing?"  The Aggie's Mom said, "He packed his own lunch!!!!"

One day, a UT Longhorn, a Baylor Bear and an Aggie were in the desert.  They could only bring one thing with them to the desert.  So the Baylor Bear and the Aggie asked the Longhorn what he brought and why.  The Longhorn said "water, so when I get hot, I can drink it."  Ok that sounds good they said.

The Longhorn and the Aggie asked the Baylor Bear what he brought and why.  The Baylor Bear said "I brought an umbrella so when it gets hot, I can be in the shade."  Ok that sounds good they said.

The Longhorn and the Baylor Bear asked the Aggie what he brought and why.  The Aggie said "I brought a car door so when it gets hot, I can roll down the window."

For those of you who don't know any better, an Aggie is any person who has distinguished themselves by attending Texas A&M University.  When you graduate, you don't become an ex-Aggie.  Once an Aggie, always an Aggie, for better or worse!.  

In the rest room an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the
urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his
hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to
the other two men and commented, "I graduated from OU, and I was taught to be clean." The
lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and
commented, "I graduated from Baylor and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas A&M, and
they taught us not to pee on our hands.

The huge corn-fed Aggie decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the Aggie. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The Aggie hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

 This farmer had a sick cat and called the Agricultural extension agent in town to see what could be done for it. The Vet asked the farmer what the problem was.

After the farmer explained his problem, the Aggie told the farmer to give it a pint of castor oil.

The farmer asked, "A whole pint?" and the Aggie replied, "sure that'll fix it right up."

The next day the Aggie saw the farmer in town and asked him how the sick calf was getting along.

"You fool!" the farmer exclaimed, "That wasn't a calf, it was a cat!"

The Aggie said, "Oh my goodness, did you give it the whole pint of castor oil?"

"Sure did," the farmer replied.

"What happened, where's the cat now?" asked the Aggie.

The farmer pointing said, "The last time I saw that cat, he was going over yonder hill with five others, two were digging, two were covering up, and one was scouting for new territory..."

A&M's  football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits.
"Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."

Three convicts were on their way to prison; a mobster, a drunk, and a Texas Aggie. Each was allowed to take one item to help pass the time while incarcerated. On the bus, the drunk guy turned to the mobster and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The mobster pulled out a box of paints and explained that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the da Vinci of the prison system. Then he asked the drunk, "What did you bring?"

He then pulled out a deck of cards, grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The Aggie was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

Pulling out a box of tampons, he said with a smile, "I brought these."

Puzzled, the other two convicts asked, "What can you do with THOSE?"

Pointing to the box, he replied with a grin, "Well, according to the box, I can go horseback-riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

Three aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from the University of Texas," What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Harvard.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Aggie replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.

One day an African, Mexican and Aggie were sitting on a 18 story building. They each opened their lunches and the Mexican said," Ah! I hate tacos, if I get tacos one more time, I'm gonna jump. Then the African opened his lunch and said, "Ah! I hate chips! If I get chips one more time .I'm gonna jump. The same thing happens to the aggie except it's peanut butter and jelly this time. The next day the African jumps because there are chips in his lunch. The Mexican also jumps because there are chips in his lunch. Then the aggie jumps because there peanut butter and jelly in his lunch. At the funeral's the Mexican and African's wife said," If I had known that they didn't like that stuff, I wouldn't have packed it. The Aggie's wife however said: I don't get it, he packed his own lunch.
 

How do you kill an aggie?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.
 

 One day, and aggie ,longhorn and cow were stranded on a desert island when they found a genie lamp. The genie said," Run over the edge of the cliff and when you do, you will transform into that thing." The cow ran and yelled, "Bird," and he flew off. Then the longhorn jumps and says, "Plane" and flies off. Then the aggie runs and trips over a rock and says ,"Oh Shout"
 

 What do you do if an aggie throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
 

An aggie, longhorn, and cow were hunting. Then the longhorn goes out and catches a huge deer. The other two go, "How'd you do that?" He replied," I tracked, saw and caught." Then the cow does the same thing. When the aggie goes hunting, he comes back all bloody. "What happened?" the other two said. The aggie replied," I tracked, saw and got hit by a train."
 

An aggie cow and longhorn were on a desert island when they found a genie lamp . The cow and longhorn wished," I want to be with my family" Then the aggie said, "It's kind of lonely here, I wish the cow and longhorn would come back
 

I am a football fan and I made the mistake of going to College Station, Texas, and walking into a bar and saying, "Hey, do you want to hear a Texas Aggie joke?" The bartender was washing a glass behind the bar, and he says, "Do you see that gentleman at the end of the bar--290 pounds, defensive tackle--Texas A&M. And that gentleman over at the other end of the bar--240 pounds, linebacker--Texas A&M. And I'm a Texas A&M graduate. Now, do you want to tell a Texas Aggie joke?" I said, "Well, not if I have to tell it three times, I'm not going to!"

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his
cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round
of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife
has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody
can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the
Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks...like I
said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many
exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy
pains.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say,
you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25
pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big
he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you; so how much does he
weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He
already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender
and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

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