Story Rape

I was walking to my car after visiting the high school where I had graduated five years ago. When I noticed several men drinking in the parking lot. I quickened the pace toward my car. Suddenly one of the men ran over and grabbed me. I began to scream, but either no one heard me or no one cared to help me. In the background I could hear the other men laughing and cheering for their friend. The man put one hand over my mouth as he began to force his other hand up my skirt. I was frightened. I tried to jerk away, but he was stronger than I. Then I realized that I could bite him and perhaps this would give me enough time to escape. When I bit him, I bit down so hard that two fingers fell from his hand. I could taste the salt in my mouth. I thought I would be sick. He began screaming and stumbled back toward his friends. As I ran to my car I could hear that the laughter and cheers now had been replaced with shouts of obscenity. It did not matter; I had to escape. When I got in my car I began to drive as quickly as I could. I pressed the gas pedal closer and closer to the floor. I wanted to get away. I wanted to forget.

When I woke up I was startled that there seemed to be a taste of salt lingering in my mouth. I knew it had been only another nightmare, but it took me a minute to recover from the fright. That nightmare was one of many which had begun after I was raped several years ago. I had them almost every night and was afraid to stay in my apartment alone. I was sure that something even worse was destined to happen to me since I had decided I was a ‘bad’ person who attracted ‘bad circumstances.’ It wasn’t only the rape that had made me decide this.

I had a childhood filled with one alcoholic step-father and another later who was not only an alcoholic, but abused my mother, brother, and myself. I had experienced loneliness and hunger as well as physical and sexual abuse. After the rape, I began to wonder if I was a modern day Job who was being tested in my faith. When I was in high school, a teacher began inviting me to church, where I accepted Christ as my Savior at age 16. Looking back today, I believe the experiences I had been through were designed to make me allow him into my life as not only savior, but also Lord. I say this because after the rape, I took the situation into my own hands by being promiscuous, something I hadnever done before.

Despite the sexual abuse from my childhood, I had remained a virgin until the night I was raped. After that I was determined never to be the victim again. Within two months, however, I had missed a period and was suffering now from my own sins more than those imposed upon me from others.I prayed that God would help me straighten out my life. I prayed for forgiveness for my behavior, that I had tried to solve my own problems instead of turning to His healing comfort. I prayed that I would see His plan to my life and that I would no longer question it, but would just allow Him to lead me. I was tested for HIV several times within the next year and they all came back negative, as has one other test since then.

A pregnancy test also quickly revealed that I was not carrying a baby. Because of the experiences from my childhood and the rape, I am slow to trust others. I still sometimes fear going out after dark or staying alone at night if my husband is away, but there have been positive effects as well. I have become a more supportive person to others in need. I also find that sharing my story can sometimes help people realize that victims should be supported instead of judged, as happens so often in our society. It is amazing how this can come up in a topic of conversation in a grocery store line just when the lady waiting behind me needs it. I am happy to say that I rarely have nightmares anymore. I can finally sleep soundly beside my wonderful husband of almost three years and look forward to the mornings when I greet our beautiful baby daughter with a sincere smile of happiness and love. The end.

Sonya Haskins lives in Tennessee with her daughter and husband. She is a homemaker and a freelance writer. Her other writing credits include writing and co-editing Virtue, a newsletter for an inpatient psychiatric hospital, as well as numerous articles in The Sullivan County News concerning child abuse, AIDS, and geriartic issues.