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"Mum was always throwing her voice.
For 10 yrs I thought the dog told me to kill my dad."

"If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror,
how come his hair is always so neatly combed?"

"Happiness is sitting down to watch slides of your neighbor's hoiliday
and finding out she spent two weeks at a nudist camp."

"He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news."

"At school we had a name for boys who were 'trying to get in touch with themselves'."

"Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt."

"Condoms aren't completely safe.
A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus."

"We must believe in luck.
For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like."

"It's not the people who are in prison that worry me.
It's the people who aren't."

"There's no bigger fan of the opposite sex than me,
and I have the bills to prove it."

"The flashier kind of widow may insist
only on sleeping with black men during the first year after death."

"I could dance till the cows come home.
On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home."