UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS

I live in a town where you stand out if you don't have a purple Mohawk, facial piercing chained to nipple piercing, a homosexual lover, or hang out at the Magnolia Cafe. More people go to my school than live in Australia. I honestly believe that Ricky Williams is a god. I am open-minded and spiritually in tune - except towards people who are closed minded and spiritually out of tune. Liberal women with armpit hair are cool. You can see my dorm from Chicago for it is as tall as Florida would be if it stood up. I protest everything - except protests. I am a gold-card carrying member of Amnesty International. I am a Longhorn.

TEXAS A&M UNIVERSITY

I live in a town the size of a piece of bacteria on a fly's butt. I spend Friday nights practicing my yells. I can whoop better than anyone can in my battalion. I beat up faggots for fun. If I'm not yelling, I'm drinking with my battalion, or beating up faggots for fun, or I am at the Dixie Chicken. My father went to school here, just as his father did before him, and his father before him. My brother went to UT. They never found his body after he came home that first Christmas in college. I won't walk on the grass. I look forward to the day I, too, will do the elephant walk. I believe it is cool to do something because they tell me it is tradition. If something is not a tradition and we accidentally do it, we then make it one. I can call UT, t.u. if I want. I am an Aggie!

BAYLOR UNIVERSITY

I live by homeless vagrants, whom I turn my nose up to. I look just like everyone else at my school. The NoZe Brothers are the coolest thing since khakis and sandals. I have a leather Abercrombie and Fitch Bible cover. I have Abercrombie and Fitch everything. I can co-ordinate outfits and ensembles better than anyone in my upscale apartment complex. I have radar that lets me know where the closest ATM is. If I can't find one it's okay. I have ten credit cards, all of which are billed to my parents. My town is so conservative that anyone who kisses on the mouth before three years of marriage is drug through the center of town, stoned, and hung to death. I like me. I should be an underwear model. I am a Bear.

TEXAS TECH UNIVERSITY

I live on a piece of dirt so flat that we call the four degree incline at the intersection of 19th and Brownfield "the Big Hill". I get dirt in my eyes, hair, and teeth when I walk to class. I can out drink anyone from any other school because that is what we do best. If I'm not drunk by 4:30pm, I'm high. I can't buy beer within 50 miles of where I live, so I trek to "The Strip", which my friends and I all consider a true paradise on Earth. I don't go to many football games. I don't go to any organizational meetings. I don't really go to anything. Not even class. I like the fact that Will Rogers' horse's butt points to College Station. I know where Buddy Holly used to live. I am desperately trying to find a rival within our conference to make fun of. Our football players get caught by the NCAA. If I'm not drunk by 4:30pm, I'm high. But I'm usually drunk by 4:30pm. Or I'm high. I am a Red Raider.

THE UNIVERSITY OF NORTH TEXAS

Who Cares?.......Where is that anyway?

TEXAS CHRISTIAN UNIVERSITY (TCU)

I am in a frat or sorority of course. I drive a Lexus or Mercedes, and if I pass all my classes then Daddy said he would buy me that little condo on Hulen next semester. I wear my diamonds and heels for football games and get dressed for bed and THEN go to the basketball games. Anyone and everyone goes to the Pub or Scooners, or to Longhorns and dance with old Mexican cowboys. We are having a J.Crew built in the bookstore next year and our send home credit cards apply at ALL times and locations. Where the girls' hair is as fake as their tans. The freshman 15 means nothing more to me than a new wardrobe. Where the girl to guy ratio is four to one and the only one getting any action is the rapist. Where the girls are girls, and so are the guys. I'm a Frog.

SOUTHERN METHODIST UNIVERSITY (SMU)

We are Baylor to the third power. I have more money than you could ever dream about. Abercrombie and Fitch? I don't think so, my line is strictly custom made from Gucci. The Galleria? I think I own it or most of it at least. My idea of a good time is traveling down mockingbird in my 2002 BMW. Our football team? Oh it's o.k. they suck, they are all real cute, and their daddies own Fortune 500 companies. A&M and UT? Oh my gosh, my family > would have died if I had ever considered one of those to educate me. Don't worry just because Baylor has more net worth than SMU doesn't mean my mom and dad don't have more net worth than Baylor. One day I will relieve SMU alumni John Randy Bickham of his job as CEO of TIME. Have great fear I am a Mustang.

THE UNIVERSITY OF HOUSTON

I work all day or all night. I attend school part time. I'm trying to get a degree, any degree, to help get a decent job. I live with my parents, and spend as little time on campus as possible. Football games?? You mean we have a football team??? When I say my school is in an urban setting, I'm serious. In the shadows of the fourth largest city in the U.S., right in one of the most crime ridden Wards of the Bayou City. I hate Texas, A&M, and any other big school because they get a real degree. I wish I hadn't flunked out when I was attending a real school. I'm a Cougar.

SOUTHWEST TEXAS STATE UNIVERSITY (SWT)

I tried to get into a real school, but couldn't. I spend most weekends tubing down the river in New Braunsfels drunk and/or high and naked, or getting drunk and acting like an idiot in Lukenbach. I'm a Bobcat.

ST.MARY'S UNIVERSITY-- San Antonio

I go to a university smaller than your high school. Despite what you may have heard about catholics, we are freaks. I have never met so many pot heads in my life. We wake up high, we go to class high, and we go to sleep high. If we aren't high we are drunk or rolling. I drink more beer than water. My savior is the toilet. I blackout for extended periods of time several nights a week. My friends tell me the next day about the strip tease I did at the party the night before that I can't remember. I think of cigarettes, coffee, Cheetos and Ramen Noodles as being the new food groups. We are spoiled brats. Our mascot is the Rattler but we don't really care because we don't even have a football team.