Doctor Perfect

June 30, 2000

Practically bumped into Dr. Perfect recently. 'Twas the first time I'd laid eyes on him in over three years.

So? you yawn. What's so important about running into one of your dozens of old college professors?

Oh, but Dr. Perfect wasn't just any old professor. He had been the man of my daydreams: brilliant, witty, vibrant, but pristine and oh-so-moral. He'd epitomized my ideal man.

Why! Dr. Perfect may even well have been my first love. There was this transcendant moment on April 19, 1995, when I virtually jetisoned right through the classroom's roof and brushed the skirts of heaven. I transcended; I touched God through him.

Oooo! Kinky! you're thinking. You had a fling with him?

Nope. 'Twas all mental . I never even touched the guy. Yet I loved him, nonetheless. He was in some ways my first spiritual experience with love.

It wasn't a lust case, either. What I experienced was perfection. I mean I LOVED the guy, with a capital 'L.' He became a continual source of delight to me. I adored everything the man did. I mulled over his every word. I'd sculk inside the bathroom window for an hour just for the privilege of glimpsing him as he crossed the parking lot. I locked my eyes onto his office window every winter weekday morning anticipating his light to blaze on. Finally, whenever it did, my day dawned in earnest. I mean, I had a really sad case for Dr. Perfect.

(Okay, looking back, I guess you might say that I stalked the guy!)

Conversely, compared to Dr. Perfect, my old rotten husband seemed to be riddled with flaws.

But, then, do you know what happened? One icky morning a fellow student crept over to me bearing nasty rumors, whisperings of improper relationships, even an ugly tale of a married Dr. P. and some female student seeking side-by-side apartments the preceding year. As the murmurings and innuendoes crescendoed, Dr. Perfect's wife and children moved away to the frozen North, and their divorce soon followed.

Of course, I don't know what happened. Yet, I assumed the worst: that my beloved Dr. Perfect had fallen for his Rosalee.

Now, a few years hence, Dr. Perfect just has introduced me to his new wife. And wouldn't you know it! His new bride bore a strong resemblance to a young lady whom that gossipy grad student had pointed out to me five years earlier as being one of the students whose name had been linked with his in many of those hushed campus conversations.

UGH! Aaargh! And then some. I was somewhat shocked and aggravated to find him married to a young woman whom I assume to have been his student, despite the fact that I'd worked out my anger years earlier, right after his previous marriage had formally ended.

Back then, I'd wanted to bang his podium over his balding head and shriek, "Dr. P., how could you? How could a man so perfect behave so imperfectly? Worse still, how could you not live up to my expectations for you? Why didn't you live in accordance with my value system which I was trying to impose upon you? Why, oh why, didn't you heed my warnings? How could you dump your family for some young silly? Why didn't you just remain as perfect as I'd imagined you to be? Why did you let me down so? Why, why, WHY?"

(I never never pulled such a histrionic fit aloud, but Dr. P. read the judgment in my face. He knew that I thought him a cad. )

In retrospect, I understand now that I was so furious at him because when Dr. Perfect apparently stumbled, a lifelong dream within me died. Observing what I took to be Dr. P's carnalities, the realization folowed that if Dr. Perfect could behave like such a rake, then ANY MAN CAN.

Now, of course, I know why Dr. Perfect seemingly behaved like such a porker: Dr. Perfect was just as flawed as the rest of us mortals. Despite his Ph.D., he behaved just as stupidly as we less educated humans do. Stupid, blind, ignorant Dr. Not-So-Perfect-After-All, he was!

Nonetheless, I have to be grateful to Dr. Perfect for quite probably behaving in a manner so beneath him. I have to give him credit for saving my marriage. After he who'd appeared to be so perfect seemed to have behaved so imperfectly, I at last understood that my Prince would never come. With his misbehavin's, Dr. Perfect underscored to me the fact that Prince Charmings never arrive because they don't exist. At last when I understood that perfect people are mere pipe dreams, I could finally forgive my husband for his numerous shortcomings. Thus, by ending his marriage, Dr. Perfect helped salvage mine.

MORAL:

Let all y'all learn from me and be clear about what a husband or wife will be. You'll be sadly dissappointed if you expect your mate to be perfect, because just as you yourself are not without flaws, neither will he or she be. Your spouse will be just what you are: a mere mortal being, full of human frailties, a bundle of imperfections.

Understanding this fact that there are no perfect people, please exercise restraint whenever you experience marital difficulties. Instead of running off in search of greener marital grazing, as Dr. seems to have done, don't YOU be stupid. Keep the husband or wife you already have and learn to work things out.

In so doing, you'll save your kids and yourself a heckuva' lotta' grief.