The need to see her was too strong.

Crossing the street, boots scraping across the dusty tarmac, Shane pulled her shades from her eyes. Slotting them into the inside pocket of her jacket - never taking her gaze from the nearest window she noticed what seemed to be a shadow there. A shadow from her past.

The sweat on her palms made her wipe them over her thighs; smoothing out the already tight, black denim. This was a big risk, not only for her sanity but also for her physical wellbeing. She knew previous threats were more than just threats - they were promises. They rang out, like a warning in her head, but she could only really hear the thing that had brought her here. The whisper telling her she needed to look into her eyes again. Even if it was just for one last time.

Shane’s feet came to a scuffed halt outside the gate; the path beyond leading to the door. The shadow at the window was gone, and her heart was beginning to race. This was a mistake, but one she couldn’t avoid making. Hell, she’d made so many over the years, what was one more? One last shot.

Though her outer demeanour was calm, her heart jumped in her chest as she heard the door clatter open roughly. Shane was expecting a large, angry mob to head her way, possibly a rolling pin or two to be thrown at her. But there was no mob, just her. Just Carmen.

She glared at Shane from the door as she held it open, fury in her dark, impossibly entrancing eyes. Shane tried to steady her breathing; her lips going dry and body burning with the memories of her mistakes. Why had she come? What did she think she could achieve?

“What are you doing?” Carmen called from the doorway, adding her own question.

Shane looked down at her feet with her head spinning. It had been so long since she’d heard her. That voice – so strong and confident – taking her back to places she wished she’d never left. When she looked up again Carmen was closer, standing on the porch with her hands on her hips.

“I asked you what you’re doing,” Carmen pushed, irritation clear in every aspect of her tone and stance.

What could she say? What answer would be the right one?

“Hi,” Shane said sullenly, brushing a stray strand of short dark hair from her eyes as she locked eyes with Carmen.

“Hi?” Carmen repeated. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Carmen’s fiery temper was on the advance; an inferno crackling into life right in front of Shane. She didn’t want it to explode so soon. This was her last chance to. . .to do what? Shane hadn’t thought that far ahead.

“Carmen, I just want. . .”

“You just want? You don’t get to want,” Carmen interrupted, taking a few steps forward, her hands still on her hips. “It doesn’t matter how long it’s been, if my family see you. . .you won’t be wanting anything ever again. Understand?”

Shane did understand. She’d understood it the first time round, but this was something she had to do. Her life had been spiralling out of control lately. So many mistakes, the latest of those being Niki; the worst thing she could have done. Shane had fucked over her best friend, and she’d known that’s what she was doing at the time. Knowing it hadn’t stopped her doing it - almost as if she wanted the hell that would follow.

But Shane hadn’t stuck around for the fallout. Like the coward she truly felt she was, Shane had hastily packed a bag and gotten the hell away. Running from the inevitable seemed to have become a habit. It was getting too easy. Too comfortable. Time to stop.

“I understand,” Shane answered, letting her eyes take in the imposing beauty of her former girlfriend. The girl she’d broken. “But I wanted to see you anyway.”

Carmen’s eyes were full of hard ferocity, but there was a waver as she kept her gaze on Shane. A flicker of the love they’d once shared. As quick as it came it soon disappeared when Carmen ran a hand through her long, dark hair and strengthened her stare.

“Well now you’ve seen me you can go,” Carmen instructed, waving her hand out to indicate the street she obviously wished to see Shane disappearing down.

Cocking her head to the side and looking up at Carmen, Shane couldn’t hold back the small smile that wanted to leap forth. It was so good to see Carmen, and even better to hear her in all her full-on glory. She’d always been passionate, in every way. Something Shane had found immensely attractive.

“What are you smirking at? Are you on drugs?” Carmen asked, lowering her voice a little and walking closer.

Now she looked at Shane with more than a hint of concern in her eyes, her brow furrowed in confusion.

“No, I’m not on drugs,” Shane replied with a chuckle. “I’ve just. . .missed this.”

She indicated them both with a gesture of her hand before slipping it back into her pocket.

Carmen shook her head, laughing in an entirely different way to Shane. Dripping with sarcasm and scorn.

“You’ve missed this? Missed. . .this?” Her hands began to wave around as she got more incensed. “What exactly? Us? The way you’d hurt me? The leaving me looking like a fucking fool?”

Hanging her head in shame, Shane took a deep breath and rubbed at the back of her neck. She couldn’t argue with Carmen – she’d fucked up. She’d hurt the only woman she’d ever loved. She deserved to never see her again, never be trusted, never get to reach out and touch what she so desperately wanted to. Time had passed, but obviously the wounds were still raw. Carmen was still raw.

“I don’t know why I came,” Shane said quietly – a mumble - after a moment of loaded silence. “I know I should just. . .leave you to hate me. But I can’t.” She made sure Carmen was looking right at her before she continued, “Not anymore.”

Another long moment of silence as Carmen stared into Shane’s eyes, trying to read her maybe, see through her, into her. It made Shane feel raw too, but she needed it. She’d come looking for it.

“I don’t understand you,” Carmen said in a whisper, gaze finally dropping to the floor as she pushed ringed fingers at her brow. “Why now? What do you want?”

Not certain she had the answer to either question, Shane almost shrugged. She realised it would have been the wrong thing to do, and instead she forced her mind to think and her heart to reveal its truth to her. All this time she’d kept it cold and locked and now – with the only place she wanted to run to being Carmen – it was time to listen to it.

It was telling her things she didn’t really want to hear. Spilling its secrets into her mind. She wanted it back – what they’d once had. She wanted another chance. Shane wanted to feel loved again. Home again.

Only Carmen had ever given her that.

It had scared her at the time – scared her because it seemed too easy to lose, to screw up. Better to feel the hurt sooner rather than later when it would hurt so much deeper. Better to leave than be left. Shane hadn’t been ready to trust in herself or Carmen, as much as she’d wanted it. Things were different now. She’d come to the end of her running – right up to Carmen’s door.

“I’m sorry,” Shane mumbled. “I’m sorry I. . .”

“Stop,” Carmen ordered, her hands out in front of her as if she was hoping to shield herself from the words. “I don’t want to hear it. Not now.”

“I know I don’t deserve to. . .”

“You’re right,” Carmen yelled. “You don’t deserve anything. And you’re lucky I’m the only one here right now or you’d be bleeding all the way home.”

It almost sounded like she wouldn’t be happy with that. Maybe she wasn’t so keen on her family keeping Shane – violently – out of the picture now. Of course, Shane couldn’t know that for sure. All she had was a hunch.

It was better than nothing.

“I don’t need you in my life, Shane,” Carmen continued, softer than before. “I don’t need you hurting me again.”

There were tears in Carmen’s eyes and Shane felt a fierce stinging in her chest. She’d felt that only once. She’d felt that with Carmen.

As she watched tears start to trickle down Carmen’s face, Shane tried to swallow down the lump in her own throat. It felt like she was choking. The air in her lungs seemed to burn with every inhalation – chest tight and ribs straining as they tried to cage the emotion within. She couldn’t hold it back. She was at her last stop and had nowhere else to go. There was nowhere else she wanted to go. It was here. . .or nothing. It was being saved. . .or nothing.

“I’m sorry,” Shane repeated, the control breaking as her face scrunched in agony and heavy tears flowed.

She hadn’t slept or eaten properly for days and her body no longer wanted to carry her gaunt weight. Shane felt herself crumbling and reached out to grasp the gate. Holding herself up as best she could, clutching the wooden slats, she sucked in the dusty air, heart screaming out to the woman now moving towards her.

Carmen reached the gate and looked down as Shane tried her best to regain her composure. She couldn’t. Carmen was too close. She was too close yet further away than ever.

“I’ve made so many mistakes,” Shane continued through her shuddering tears. “So many.”

“Shane, stop it,” Carmen said quietly but forcibly. “People are gonna start coming out of their houses.”

“I don’t care,” Shane practically yelled. “I don’t care if they know I’m fucking insane.”

“You’re not insane you’re just. . .”

Carmen didn’t tell her what she thought Shane was, but it didn’t matter, she could guess. Surely it could only be something bad. Surely that’s what she was. Bad.

“Shane, come inside,” Carmen said low and harsh.

She didn’t want Shane inside. She didn’t want to listen to her or see her. It wasn’t hard to pick up those vibes, but Shane made the effort and straightened herself up, looking into Carmen’s eyes as she wiped away her tears.

Without speaking she watched as Carmen pushed open the gate and stepped aside. Shane walked up the path with her shoulders hunched, stray tears still easing their way out of her as the past reared up to mock her. Her dignity was shot to shit, but she was too tired to care. She was too lost to care.

“You don’t look well,” Carmen commented as they entered a kitchen adorned with every kind of gadget and utensil possible. “Sit.”

Shane slouched down into the wooden chair Carmen pulled out from under the cluttered table. Though she was grateful for being allowed this opportunity to be closer to Carmen, to be in the same room as her, she couldn’t guess why Carmen had invited her in. Watching as Carmen moved piles of plates from one section of the kitchen to the other, her back to Shane as she finished whatever job she had obviously been in the middle of, Shane wondered if it was pity that Carmen felt. Shane wasn’t sure if she cared, just happy to watch her from her seat at the table.

She remembered enjoying these quiet moments in the past with Carmen. Sitting across from Carmen as she washed dishes or did some other chore that Shane never even realised needed doing. Her gaze would wander over Carmen’s body; remembering what it felt like to touch her where her eyes focused. Remembering what it was like to kiss her there.

Her mind squeezed out images now of them together. Of the closeness they’d shared. Of the nights in each other’s arms. Of the way they fit perfectly together; naked skin, heated bodies, gasping breaths, being touched in ways nobody had ever touched Shane before – from the soul.

“What’s going on?” Carmen asked, breaking Shane from her reverie.

Holding herself still and solid, her back to Shane, hands gripping the side of the kitchen counter, Carmen waited for the answer that Shane didn’t think she had. She didn’t know what was going on for sure and she doubted Carmen really wanted to hear the truth. The truth would probably only make her angrier than she already was.

Lying wasn’t an option however, so Shane had to risk it. She had to risk all her previously denied hopes of making things right with Carmen.

“I got it all wrong,” Shane said, resting her elbows on the table, her head in her hands. “I should never have. . .”

“But you did, Shane,” Carmen said, guessing where the sentence had been headed. “You did the worst thing you could do to me.”

Shane slid her hands over her face, burying the bitterness of tears behind them as her elbows dug into the table top. Her head felt heavy; swollen with guilty memories. Things she’d done and said that she wished she could take back. As Carmen turned to face her, hands moving to grip the edge of the counter now behind her, Shane risked pulling her own hands away just enough to look at her. There was no hiding from this anyway. No dodging the truth of the pain in Carmen’s eyes.

“I wish I could take it back,” Shane muttered, knowing her words really meant nothing when all was said and done.

Carmen huffed in frustration. “The proposing, or the leaving?”

Looking solidly into Carmen’s eyes now, Shane pushed herself up from the table and took a step towards her.

“Leaving,” Shane told her adamantly. “I wish I hadn’t.”

The truth unravelled from her in a raw whirl of desperation. Every strand of Shane’s long since buried self-respect ached and arched to be noticed. Every ounce of strength seeping into the intensity of her eyes as they fixed themselves on the girl she still knew she loved.

“Shane,” Carmen uttered, shaking her head as her eyes softened. “I can’t. . .I can’t let you do this.”

She turned from Shane once again, stealing those beautiful eyes from her. Tearing away the emotion Shane could see there.

Shane felt her head swim and her limbs become heavy. Taking a step forward, it felt like she was walking through sticky taffy. Her eyes lost focus as her heart bled out the need within it that she’d ignored too long. No longer having hope to hold her upright – exhausted from lack of sleep, and from running for so long – she stumbled into a chair and lost her balance, crumbling into a heap by the table as Carmen whirled to face her.

“Shit!” Carmen gasped. “Shane, what’s wrong?”

She was beside Shane in an instant, her hands reaching out to her thin frame. The soft touch of her hands caused Shane to close her eyes, knowing she couldn’t have them on her without wanting more. Without needing them to never let go.

“Stop,” Shane breathed out heavily as she fought against the blackness threatening to overcome her. “Don’t.”

Pushing at Carmen’s hands, she tried to scramble away. Her knees scraped against the solid tile floor, a boot accidentally hooking the chair leg and pulling it awkwardly on top of her as she struggled to get away from the touch she desperately wanted to fall into.

Carmen shoved the chair aside and continued trying to tug at Shane in order to get her to stop moving, or maybe just to taunt her. Shane was confused, mind fuzzy and lungs blistering with the hot emotion she tried not to choke on. She knew she shouldn’t have come. One more mistake. One more thing she’d have to run from.

“I was wrong,” Shane mumbled as the fight began to drift from her pale body. “Always fucking wrong.”

“Shane, sit still,” Carmen demanded. “You’re freaking me out.”

Letting her body drop, still and defeated, Shane once more covered her face with her hand. Maybe if she closed her eyes and pushed out the light long enough, everything would change. Everything would go back to a time she was happy – until she’d screwed it up.

“Are you sick?” Carmen asked, breathing heavy after their little struggle as she hung over her. Too close. All tanned skin, dark, tousled hair and plunging cleavage.

Shane wasn’t sick in the sense that Carmen probably meant, but she felt sick. She felt like her mind was in tatters, following the way her heart had lead it. Her head shook, but her hand stayed gripped over her face.

“Then what is it?” Carmen pressed.

Pushing at her, Carmen made her turn to face her so Shane was lying on her back on the cool floor. She tugged at the hand covering the shame on Shane’s face as she held herself over her.

The dark, penetrating eyes above her held Shane frozen. Remembering times they’d been in this position when fucking, when making love, when everything felt possible yet completely impossible. Feeling her body yearning for the distance between them to close. Wishing it could be that simple. A chance. She wanted that chance but knew she could never have it. She didn’t deserve it.

Carmen gazed down, obviously at a loss, confused, tormented. A leg slipping between Shane’s made the prone woman fight back a shudder. No, she couldn’t let her body react or she’d never be able to leave. She’d never be able to cope with what she’d done in the past. Her eyes filled with tears she couldn’t hold back.

“You’re lost,” Carmen whispered after a few moments of just looking. Just breathing. “You’re so lost.”

Her hand tentatively reached out to touch Shane’s cheek. Soft fingers brushing away salty tears before they began to map and relearn Shane’s face, her hair, her lips.

“Why did you come back?” Carmen asked, a sob escaping. “Why do I still have to fucking love you?” A question for herself.

Shane’s eyes brightened at that; her heart striking out a stinging thud inside her chest that took her breath away. Her hand moving to mirror Carmen’s; daring to touch the face that had graced her every dream since the day she’d left her.

“Don’t,” Carmen spluttered. “Don’t make it worse.”

Dropping her hand back to the floor, Shane told her with a shake to her voice, “I want to make it better.”

“It’s too late,” Carmen said, shaking her head and pulling back from Shane.

Shane felt a wave of nausea rush over her. Her head span and tipped, painting itself black inside as she felt cold tiles making her shiver.

“Hey,” Carmen called through the thickening mist. “Hey, don’t pass out on me.”

But Shane couldn’t fight it. She was tired and broken. Broken at her own hand.

When she woke, Shane felt the softness of a mattress at her back rather than the hard floor. She could tell there was no light in the room through her eyelids – keeping them closed tight. Plush pillows cradled her, and the scent of her ex-girlfriend was all around her. She’d never forget that smell. That intoxicating and alluring temptation of body-heat and sweet perfume.

Swallowing, Shane pushed past the dizziness she felt, trying to clear her mind. Trying to enjoy, if just for a while, being surrounded by everything she wanted so badly now. As her breathing evened out she heard a shuffling noise close by. Clothes being taken off and placed carefully in a pile. A drawer opening. More shuffling.

Shane felt the bed move; a weight added to it to her right. Her heart squeezed in her chest and she took a shuddering breath as she slowly opened her eyes.

“If you’re gonna puke, let me know,” Carmen instructed, her voice close.

Shane shook her head and lifted a hand to rub at her brow.

“I wasn’t high or drunk, Carmen,” Shane clarified. “I’m just. . .tired.”

“I noticed,” Carmen responded, moving around and making the bed move with her.

Taking a chance and looking to her right, Shane could see that Carmen was now wearing just a tee shirt as she sat up in the bed next to her, hands tying her hair up into a loose ponytail. Beyond was a window covered by pale curtains that showed no light from outside. It was dark. Shane had no idea how late it was or how long she’d been out of it.

“How long was I out?” Shane mumbled, pushing herself weakly up so she wasn’t lying quite so flat on the large bed.

“A few hours,” Carmen answered, looking down at her, dark hair still tumbling around her face. “It’s late.”

Shane flicked her own hair out of her eyes and glanced around the small room. She remembered it. She also knew it was upstairs.

“How did you. . .”

“Get you up here?” Carmen interrupted. “My brother.” She paused as Shane raised an eyebrow. “Took a lot of explaining and promises that I wouldn’t do anything stupid.”

“Stupid like trust me again,” Shane added.

“Exactly.”

Sighing and watching as Carmen plumped her own pillows, Shane wondered what she should do. Carmen could have had her chucked out of the house if she’d wanted. She could have had her brother drive her out to God knows where to just leave her to rot, but she hadn’t. She was on Carmen’s bed. She was on the edge of a cliff looking to fall right off it. Looking to jump - to test the landing.

“You didn’t throw me out,” Shane said, pointing out the obvious with a hidden question.

“You noticed?”

Shane chuckled and received the gift of a small yet stunning smile from Carmen. It made all the risk worth it. Of course it did. She loved her smile. She’d missed it.

“I’ve missed that,” Shane said quietly.

“Me throwing you out?”

Another chuckle. “No, your smile,” Shane corrected.

As soon as she said it the smile disappeared - replaced by a faint scowl that brought all the hurting back.

“You always knew just how to make me smile. Yunno, until you. . .”

“Until I made the biggest mistake of my life,” Shane groaned, practically to herself.

Carmen raised a perfect eyebrow, turning and lying on her side next to Shane.

“Is that what you did?” she asked.

Shane didn’t have to think about it. It was the biggest mistake. The turning point where she’d slid backwards. All the hard work Carmen had put in to making her open up - undone. All the battling to make her feel emotions she never thought she was capable of – scattered like ashes. A dead life. A dead existence that had her jumping from girl to girl again. Fooling herself into believing it’s what she wanted. That it was all she was capable of.

She didn’t want that life anymore. She’d wrecked everything good because of it.

“Yeah,” Shane replied. Then firmer, turning to face Carmen. “It was the biggest mistake, and I miss you.”

Carmen glanced away, taking a steadying breath. She looked back at Shane when Shane carefully tried to bridge the gap between them with her hand. She hesitated but then placed it confidently over Carmen’s heart.

“I should never have let this go,” she said, quiet as her eyes looked deep into brown depths that were delving back into her.

The heartbeat under her palm bounced along with her own, bringing a memory back. The memory of a chance she’d finally dared to take. The one she’d so callously thrown away in the end.

Carmen slowly placed her own hand over Shane’s, a sparkle in her eyes that threatened to spill down her cheeks. But Shane didn’t want her to cry – not any more. She was sure Carmen had done enough of that in the past.

“Carmen, I. . .”

“Don’t say it, Shane,” Carmen said, a quiver to her voice. “My life is good. I’m happy. I look forward now and not back.”

She didn’t make Shane remove her hand so the messages were mixed and Shane wasn’t about to walk away without trying.

“Are you with somebody?” Shane asked, just to make sure she was free to press forward.

“That’s not it,” Carmen replied. “I just can’t do that all again.”

Shane nodded and still refused to move her hand, feeling the drumming of a beat under her fingers, hot skin flushing her own.

“Shane, you left me at the altar. Broke my heart in a way I didn’t even know was possible,” Carmen continued, the tears once again spilling. “But I never stopped loving you, and I can’t put myself in that position again.”

Closing her eyes and drawing in the words - the words about love – Shane felt her own heart aching. Beating again for Carmen the way it had the first time they’d met. The way it always had under the muffling chains she’d wrapped around it the day of their wedding.

“Carmen,” Shane murmured, low and hoarse as she felt herself easing forwards towards her, unable to stop herself. “I want to fix it.”

“You can’t,” Carmen whispered.

It sounded like a lie as she allowed Shane to lean closer, her hand now clutching Shane’s over her chest. Their eyes closed, cutting out the tears, the hurt, the wariness as lips dared to touch. Slow and fragile they kissed through hard, heated breaths. Shane felt Carmen tremble as she pressed closer, needing to feel her, to have more than just the memories.

“Shane,” Carmen sighed, resting back as Shane moved a little above her, “Please don’t hurt me again.”

Pulling back to look in her eyes, Shane moved her hand up to cup her cheek, stroking her thumb over the only lips that had ever possessed her heat and soul. The only lips she ever wanted to kiss again.

“I won’t,” Shane assured, knowing it to be true even if it would take a lifetime to prove to Carmen. “I was always in love with you.”

Carmen took a shaky breath and ran gentle fingers through Shane’s hair as her other hand slid around to her lower back, sneaking under the leather jacket and the tight tee shirt. Lowering herself again and placing kisses full of promises over Carmen’s jaw and neck Shane dared to say more.

“I’m still in love with you,” she said, husky and breathless as Carmen reacted to her body and lips. “I’ll do anything to make it right again.”

Placing her other hand in Shane’s hair, Carmen grabbed hold a little firmer, pushing Shane up so she could look at her face as she spoke.

“You’d better do, Shane,” she said firmly. A clear warning. “You’d better fucking fix it. And don’t leave me again.”

She tugged roughly at Shane’s head, bringing her forcibly back down to her mouth where they kissed hard and long.

Shane didn’t answer with words, but she’d answer with deeds. She’d take away the pain, the hurt and the lies. She’d make it worth the risk and give herself fully to Carmen. It was what she wanted now. It was all she wanted and she hoped she could convince Carmen that it was worth the risk for her too.

The tiredness that had earlier sent her crashing to the floor soon departed Shane’s limbs, leaving her free to help Carmen tug off her jacket and then pull off her top. She didn’t waste time with formalities as she also helped Carmen out of her tee shirt, leaving them to the feeling of skin and heat. To the sighs that poured into each other’s mouths.

A frenzy of lifting and pulling later and they were naked, Shane pressing against the girl moaning beneath her as their bodies came together. They fell into a rhythm they both remembered, slick skin and arousal joining them together again, claiming the victory of love that couldn’t be overcome.

Strong hands and scratching nails swept over Shane’s back as she slid over Carmen, breasts pressed together in the clinch. Heated centres spilling over each other as they breathed each other’s names. Hands, tongues, mouths taking what they’d been denied so long. The groan of the bed as it moved to their timing only served to speed them on in their quest to complete each other again.

“Fuck,” Shane moaned as Carmen spread her legs wider and pushed upwards against her, the rhythm quickening along with their gasps.

Shane lifted herself up just enough to look down at her lover, needing to see her. Needing to watch her movements, visually devour the soft tumble of her hair, the bounce of her perfect breasts, the sleek line of her leg as it wrapped its way over her pulling her close again.

“Don’t ever, ever hurt me again,” Carmen whispered in husky warning into Shane’s ear as they now clung to one another, close to climax - close to fixing the terrible mistake that neither of them wanted to recall.

Squeezing her eyes shut as she felt her world beginning to spin in a way nobody had ever made it spin for her but Carmen, Shane brought her head down to Carmen’s and breathed deep with every thrust.

“I won’t hurt you, I promise,” Shane managed to say between sighs and moans. “I love you, Carmen.”

Carmen trembled beneath her, the erotic moans and shudders sending Shane over the edge with her in a medley of breathless names and curses.

“Oh, God,” Carmen called out as she arched into Shane one last time. One last shudder. “I love you too.”

It was all Shane needed to hear to feel like they had a chance. She would work for the rest. She’d do all she could and more to bring Carmen back into her life. She needed her now more than ever – to help pick up the pieces. She wanted her now more than she’d ever wanted anything.

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” Shane mumbled sleepily as she eventually rested wearily on top of Carmen, sliding just a little to her side as arms and blankets were pulled around her quickly cooling, sweat soaked body.

“I’m sorry you did too,” Carmen mumbled back into Shane’s ruffled hair. “But we’ll both fix it.”

Shane felt the earlier exhaustion slipping over her once again and she smiled as she placed her hand over Carmen’s strong heart. As always, it beat the same rhythm as her own. It reflected her own desires. It wanted the same thing.

This time, Shane was willing to make it work. Willing to give herself fully to the beautiful woman in her arms.

Completely. Forever.

No leaving, no running, and no more mistakes.