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| The Turkey Bowl Throughout History |
| The oldest known recording of any reference to our modern day "Turkey Bowl" can be found in the criminal records of 14th Century Scotland. A group of drunken men, with what would in modern terms actually be considered some sort of small game-hen, were found to be playing "Turkey stuffing," and more or less have a merry time trying to carry the "turkey" past each other without using their hands. They were burned at the stake three days later. |  |
 light up another one, you filthy savage |
In actuality, the term Turkey Bowl itself is based on a loose translation of gibberish noise the natives made when speaking of getting high before their matches with the pilgrims. Seeing as it was late November and they had already exhausted their supply from the summer harvest those brutal savages were taken with smoking whatever they could get their thieving hands on. Thus from these low lives and their habits we get the idea of the "Turkey Bowl." |
| The turkey bowl in its modern incarnation first took place way back in 1620 in what is now Gilette Stadium. The Pilgrims, led by Frederick Thanskgiving were fresh off the team ship (the Mayflower) and decided to challenge the natives that they found to a continental "I quit" match in which the loser had to leave North America. The inspiration for our modern-day football was actually a heinously over-cooked turkey which suffered at the hands of Goodie Bradford, starting H-Back William Bradford's wife. Not surprisingly the much more primitive Injuns jumped out to a 28-6 lead going into half-time, spurned on by the strong play of starting receivers Titanka of the WWF, and Tanto from the Lone Ranger. But as the two sides stopped to rest half way between the beginning and the end of the contest two events transpired that would forever alter the course of history. First and less surprising the natives, desperate for any sort of high that could be had, sparked up Goodie Bradfords football and more or less completely incapacitated the starting team. Secondly, and a point vehemently debated by any person of intelligence as well as the laws of physics, legend has it that Craig T. Nelson himself appeared in his personal dingy, and gave one of the greatest sermons of all time to the now brooding Pilgrims in the hold of the Mayflower. Well the rest of this story almost writes itself as you are all aware of what happened next. Ole' Freddie T.G, what they used to call Frederick Thanksgiving in those days came out and threw seven touchdown passes in the second half, leading the Pilgrims on to victory and ensuring Euro-centric dominion over yet another continent for all of eternity. And to this day we remember that fourth Thursday of the month of November in Fred's honor, Thanksgiving day. |  |
Frederick Thanksgiving, the man in blue. | |
| As a side note to history, I must not fail to mention that the Indians, as Indians are wont to do, welched on their contract to leave the continent (thus we have the term, Indian giver), headed out west and started an expansion team, the Plains Indians. This incarnation of the original "Turkey Bowlers" has suffered many brutal defeats, most notably at the hands of the American Cowboys in the late 1800's who finally drove the Indians off of their playing fields and into the casinos. But legend has it that some of the more fierce warriors live on, the Chiefs of Kansas City, and the Seminoles of the State of Florida, but for my taste that is simply nonsense, and who cares about that anyway, maybe if they won a few games there'd be Redskins in this nation's capitol today... | |
