Nrrrd Humor
Okay, here it is: our list of the top 31 worst movies we've ever seen & descriptions of them! Now, we are sure that there have been much worse movies made, but we just haven't seen them (yet)! "Why 31?," you ask. Well, because if there's anyone brave, bored, or just plain stupid enough to do this, you can watch one each night for a whole month of unbelievable badness! So sit back, relax, pop a bag of microwavable popcorn, and enjoy!
PS: It goes from the best of the worst to the worst of the worst.
31. The Rugrats Movie – I LOVE the show, but I hate Dil, and this movie was REALLY bad.
30. The Carebears in the Land Without Kindness – The title says it all. The Carebears must rescue little Johnny, who has wandered into the Land Without Kindness and was captured and enslaved by Dr. Coldheart (I think that was his name). After many ordeals, the Carebears battle Dr. Coldheart with their tummy-symbols, defeat him, rescue Johnny and the other enslaved boys and girls, and restore kindness to the land, making it beautiful (complete with singing sun, flowers, rainbow, trees, rocks, etc.) once more.
29. Point of No Return – Bridget Fonda plays an ex-convict who was going to be lethally injected and is given a second chance by a group of CIA assassins. She spends the rest of the movie trying to get out of the group.
28. William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet – A shame to Shakespeare’s glorious name – I’m sure he did some rolling in his grave as Leonardo de Craprio and Claire Danes stumbled through his beautiful script. (Even Katherine and Undywear did a better job – I think…)
27. Free Willy I, II, and III – A kid saves an orca (don’t get me wrong, I LOVE orcas, but I think these movies were an insult to them!) and on the way acquires various girlfriends and a fake Alaskan charm (your own charm included free with your purchase of a copy of Free Willy II at your local Blockbuster Video!) Heard that plot before? It was so terrible that I threw up – seriously!
26. Where the Red Fern Grows – I still remember having to watch this movie as a “reward” for not flunking any classes in the fifth grade. We also got a bag of stale popcorn each. Billy, a hick kid, gets two hunting dogs, which he inflicts the names of “Little Ann” and “Old Dan” upon. After winning the hunting contest and managing to chop some kid up with an axe, Old Dan is killed while defending Billy from a mountain lion. Little Ann then proceeds to croak of sadness. (As AP English wouldn’t fit into Robin’s schedule, she had to be in a “regular” class, in which they watched this movie after reading the book. She told us that, at this point in the thing, everyone in her class but her was either laughing hysterically or crying hysterically.) A red fern, the supposed sign of an angel, grows on the dogs’ grave, and the movie finishes as the emotional muzak swells and Billy screams, “Maw! Maw! Cum’n lookie at ‘dis ‘ere mircul!” or something to that effect. Sounds good to you? I suggest checking out the bayou-front property in the backwoods of Alabama.
25. The Nutty Professor – A bad remake of a fair Jerry Lewis movie; its weak plot was not helped by the frequent fart/fat jokes.
24. The Babysitters’ Club – If you’re still recuperating from reading the books, you know what we’re talking about.
23. Shiloh – The book was fairly decent, but the movie was … not.
22. Armageddon – Basically, everything gets blown up. (And, no, Andre Jamison*, we don’t have the Armageddon Soundtrack. If you read Issue 1, you know who we’re talking about.)
21. Flipper – If you’ve seen the television show, imagine it about 500 times worse. (His name is Flipper, Flipper, Flipper…)
20. Scream II and III – A whole bunch of people get ripped up by an insane kid with no understandable motive. Again. And again. 19. Beavis and Butthead Do America – The favorite pair of testosterone-pumped idiots of teenage boys everywhere go around the country mud wrestling, cussing, and making lewd comments about women. (However, we probably shouldn't be so ungrateful - B&B spawned Daria - frightening, eh?)
18. Zeus and Roxanne – A really ugly, stupid, disobedient dog falls in love with a dolphin and learns to speak to it.
17. The Waterboy – Adam Sandler, one of the stupidest people in the world, plays one of the stupidest people in the world, and is discovered to be a great football player by Fonzie (at this point, Larissa exclaims, “What? Fonzie? Like from the Muppets?” Robin replies, “No! That’s Fozzie!” See the deprived children living without cable?).
16. The Land Before Time II – VI or the current number of sequels – The exact same thing happens in all six of them – a bunch of idiot dinosaurs go on a quest to find the perfect land. Many parent dinosaurs get killed by “bad” dinos along the way, but, with an abstract form of logic and unbelievable amounts of luck, the baby dinos manage to kill all of the “bad guys”, largely by forcing them off cliffs. And people wonder why kids get murderous thoughts at early ages.
15. Grease 2 – I really don’t know how to describe it; it was just bad. Well, here goes. There were a lot of stupid motorcycle stunts and stuff like that, but I remember a few parts of the movie specifically. First, a Pink Lady’s boyfriend gets her into the bomb shelter, sings a really bad song to her, and convinces her that a war has started and he has to go to war, so she should have sex with him, but at the last moment she is saved, but I forget how. Then Stephanie, or whatever her name was, falls in love with this “tuff” motorcyclist whose identity is not known. Little does she know, it is really the dorkish new kid at her school. After Stephanie rides on the back of the mystery man’s motorcycle, her old boyfriend gets mad and challenges him to a motorcycle stunt round, during which he jumps over a cliff and is thought to be dead. Stephanie is heartbroken, and during her part at the end of the year play, she spaces out and sings the wrong song, which actually makes the play into a smash hit. Then the “Mystery Man” reveals himself, Stephanie is smitten, and they co-star at the end as the Hawaiian prince and princess at the end of school luau, where they sing some violently retarded Hawaiian love song.
14. The Apostle – Seemingly endless, boring scenes about a greedy revivalist who thinks that God talks to him. After his wife leaves him, he kills his wife’s new boyfriend by bashing in his skull with a baseball bat at his son’s baseball game, and then goes into hiding.
13. The Winter Guest – A worthless, pointless movie in which almost nothing happens except that two boys find two kittens and a used condom in a drainage pipe. At this point, one remarks, in such a thick Scottish accent that you can barely tell what he’s saying (like you’d want to anyway), how dismayed he’ll be when “my balls start to droop!”
12. The Full Monty – Several middle-aged, rather portly, unemployed British guys form a strip act and call themselves “The Yorkendales”, after The Chippendales, (their idols, perhaps?) a famous male strip act. At first, they plan to wear G-strings throughout the act, but eventually decide to go the “full monty” (stripping completely, thus the title). The movie ends with a view of the men on the stage finishing up their first show; as triumphant music plays they twirl off their G-strings and reveal their buttocks to the camera (luckily, it got a shot from the back, not the front). This movie got rave reviews heralding how it revealed the men’s feminine sides, (What, are their “feminine sides” the urge to strip naked in front of about 500 complete strangers? Funny, I’m a female, and I’ve never had one of those urges!) but I think the reviewers were probably perverts and just wanted to see the guys naked! Bet they were disappointed that there was only a rear shot at the end.
11. It Takes Two or any other Olsen Twins Movie – First, I must say how much I violently hate the Olsen twins. Their idiot stunts and ditzy manners twist America’s perception of twins into brainless chicks, which is very harmful to the image of the innocent person who just happens to be a twin. We do NOT enjoy wearing matching outfits or defeating bad guys by catapulting them off a dock and/or into a pile of fresh manure (of course accompanied by the appropriate and hilarious swear).
10. The Biscuit Eater – My Grandpa sent this movie to our family. He has really bad taste – Sort of a mix of Zeus and Roxanne and Where the Red Fern Grows (those two were horrid, so their offspring has got to be bad). This kid gets this hunting dog somehow that looks exactly like Zeus from Zeus and Roxanne. The kid spoils the dog by feeding him biscuits (thus the title) and Bicky is completely insulted by getting called “Biscuit Eater” by the kid’s dad. Soon the dog starts “sucking eggs” (another frowned upon practice of under-fed Southern farm dogs) and the dad insists that the kid (oh, heck, let’s call him Joe) gets rid of it, but Joe manages to hide the dog at his friend’s house and secretly trains him for the (guess what!) hunting championship. More scenes of the murders of innocent raccoons follow, and old Bicky is transformed into the world’s greatest hunting dog! He’s about to win the championship, but the good ol’ Joe accidentally calls the dog Biscuit Eater, and Bicky crawls under the truck and has an emotional breakdown and refuses to murder raccoons and quail. Heart-wrenching forgiveness scenes ensue and Bicky finally gets over his streak of compassion and wins the hunting championship.
9. Return of Jafar – Aladdin was bad enough, but then the Disney idiots had to release this, the pinnacle of bad taste. For crying out loud, they didn’t even have Robin Williams as the Genie - I like Dan Castellaneta's work, but nobody can top Robin Williams.
8. The Stairway – a movie that my Grandpa sent my family in hopes to cure our sacrilegious tendencies – A sub-Hallmark quality, made for non-Primetime TV, production in which a cowboy carpenter (with strong metaphorical references to Jesus Christ) miraculously appears and builds a spiral staircase, which defies the laws of physics, after the architect who designed Santa Fe’s new chapel has failed to include a way to reach the second floor of the church. Bad acting combines with a very weak plot to make this one to avoid at all costs. The night after watching this movie, I had a nightmare that it had become a smash porn hit. One rave review: “The nuns were so erotic!”
7. The sequel to Where the Red Fern Grows – Billy is grown up, and he comes back from fighting in Vietnam (complete with one chopped-off leg). His best friend starts hitting on his little sister, and they run off and get married. Billy’s grandpa buys two more dogs for him, and Billy names them Little Ann and Old Dan again! Old Dan then proceeds to croak after falling out of a tree, and then Grandpa croaks. Billy moves to California and gives Little Ann to the kid down the street. And we thought the first one couldn’t get any worse!
6. The Polar Bear King – The Swedish version of the Beauty and the Beast, where the polar bear is the prince, and he grunts the entire time (even when he gets turned into a human). Need I say more?
5. A Cry in the Wilderness – Another Grandpa movie – Dork guy (and what guys aren’t) moves his dork family out into the middle of nowhere where he proceeds to get bitten by a rabid skunk. So, he sends his poor wife off to get help and instructs his dweebish son, who possesses a semi-Beatles haircut with sideburns down to his chin (this kid is, like, eight) and glasses as thick as my thighs, not to listen to a word he says in his delirium. So, the idiot chains himself to a beam in his barn. As he waits for his wife to return with help, the dork realizes an alarming change in the level of the creek near the barn and realizes that the farm will soon be swept by a flash flood! Can he get the dweeby sub-Beatle to believe that his fears are not just the ravings of a madman? We hope not.
4. Joe Versus the Volcano – Tom Hanks is told by his lying doctor, who is the person in charge of getting a person to sacrifice themselves to the island volcano gods yearly, that he has a “Brain Cloud”, and will die soon. So he goes to a secluded island to jump into a volcano, but the doctor’s daughter tells him that it was a scam and they get married.
3. Attack of the Sixty-foot Centerfold - A centerfold model takes some medicine and grows to 60 ft. She runs around the country wearing a pair of "clothes" that use about as much material as my underwear. My sis asks "Which do men like more: destruction movies or this ?" "This s*i*." says my mom, very confidently.
2. Shadey – Shadey, a weirdo with the power to see things that are happening in other places and put them onto video, offers his services to the operator of a diamond mine in return for funds to get a sex-change operation! In the process of working with the diamond mine operator, Shadey finds out that the operator’s wife is insane because she found out that her husband was seducing their daughter. More very strange and crazy events ensue, and Shadey gets his sex-change operation performed for free by infuriating the wife when she has a butcher knife in hand.
1. Deadly Vodka – This is not the real name of the movie, but we couldn’t remember it, and I bet it comes pretty close! (It was on the Sci-Fi channel.) A whole bunch of people go down in a submarine and find a treasure chest with a bottle of Vodka in it. Little do they know, that after they proceed to drink the stuff, people start croaking and coming back to life in the submarine’s morgue (hey, it’s a luxury submarine!). They throw one guy out the submarine door because he turns into a monster bent on killing everyone who didn’t drink the Vodka, but when the door closes, it chops his arm off and the arm regenerates a new body! I left the room at this point, but my sis informed me that everyone but the captain and his girlfriend croaked. That one really teaches you the dangers of drinking.
