Q. Why are Wranglers and most hotels alike?
A. No "ball room".
God created man before woman, so isn't that kind of like a rough draft before a final masterpiece?
Hello, and welcome to the psychiatric hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you
are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you
are paranoid-delusional...
Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Only one, but the lightbulb has to WANT to change.
If you pull the wings off a fly, does it become a walk?
Q. What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?
A. It's butt.
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two
boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy
picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and
productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained, through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. then anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at he top of the S.H.I.T. list and our managers are especially skilled at seeing thatyou get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since your managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, because they are full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.). If you have any questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)
Thank you,
Boss in General
Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
One day Mr. Johnson was laying down on his bed
until his wife screamed, "Oww! I'm having
labor pains!" So Mr. Johnson rushed his wife over to the
hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife
Mr. Johnson's brother Sam arrived at the
hospital. Sam is a little slow in the head if
you know what I mean and seems to always
bother Mr. Johnson. When the doctor called Mr.
Johnson in to watch the birth he walked in with
pride! But when he saw the blood and
everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Johnson woke up he
was in a bed and saw the doctor standing above
him. The doctor said, "Mr. Johson, you are in
the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is
fine and she had twins." Mr. Johson was
tremendously happy. The doctor also said,
"They are a boy and a girl!"
Mr. Johnson became immensely happy!! The
doctor continued, "Although you were
unconscious and your wife as well because of the anesthesia
she requested, your brother Sam named the
kids." Mr. Johson screamed, "What! My
brother the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What
did he name them!?" The doctor replied, "Well,
he named your daughter Denice."
Mr. Johson answered, "Hey not bad! I
underestimated my brother. Well what did he
name my son?"
The doctor answered solemly, "He named your
son Denephew."
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned
over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned
over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled
and said, "It really works."
Famous last words: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
Famous last words: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
If buttered toast always lands butter side down and a cat always
lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered
toast to the back of a cat and dropped it?
A duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any crackers?"
Bar tender says no.
Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "Got any crackers?"
Bar tender says no. Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks, "Got any crackers?"
Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you
ask that one more time I'll nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?"
Bar tender says no.
Duck says "Good. Got any crackers?"
This panda walks into a bar. He sits down at a table. A waiter comes, and the
panda orders his food, and eats it. Then, he pulls out a gun and shoots
the waiter. Then he gets up and is about to leave when the
bartender yells, "Hey, you just shot my waiter! Where do you think you're
going?" And the panda says, "I'm a panda! Look it up!" So the bartender
looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It reads: "Fur-bearing mammal, lives in
China. EATS CHUTES AND LEAVES."
Q. How do you catch a bear?
A. Dig a hole and fill it with ash from a fire. Place peas around the hole.
Then hide. When the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash.
