Friendship

“Love is one of the most powerful forces in the Universe.”

The information presented here comes from my own personal experiences, as well as ideas and experiences from others I’ve talked with. It is my hope that the ideas, experiences, suggestions, and examples presented here may help at least one person out there to find a best friend, to improve an existing friendship, to gain (as well as provide) the love and support of friendship that we all need to get through life.

Pease take the time to read what I have come to learn . . .

(Note that the following was written in 2001.)

My background

Ever since first grade, on up through high school, I’ve had at least one best friend. I remember the day when I first met Shane in my first-grade class; I don’t remember how we actually came to be best friends, but all through elementary and jr. high school, Shane was there to goof off with, play with, talk with, etc. He was a perfect childhood best buddy. When he moved away before high school, I had another best friend, Ben, to immediately fill the void. We first became friends back in second or third grade, but through high school he was my number-one friend. (Just read the other parts of this website to see what kind of fun and great times we’ve had together!)

Enter loneliness . . .

I started college four years ago. It’s been the hardest time of my life. I’ve actually been doing well school-wise, but all these years, with one or two exceptions, I have been very lonely. Even though I’ve always had decent roommates, none of them became a good friend; there just wasn’t that connection that existed with Shane or Ben. It has been very hard not having anyone to have fun with, go goof off with, have long conversations with, etc. And not having that kind of friend, I’ve had no moral support, caring love, understanding, or encouragement during those times when things got rough or depressing.

Almost!

Toward the end of my first year, I got to know Sandra. She appeared to me to be a way cool, really nice person, and I was physically attracted to her, as well. I was kind of hoping that maybe a girl-friend/boy-friend relationship would develop, but due to a flopping failure I had with a girl I thought I wanted from first semester, I had decided I wasn’t going to rush into anything, or force the issue.

One day while I was on campus, as I was thinking of her, I felt impressed to send her an e-mail offering her my support. As much as I wished she would be a kind of a girl-friend, I wrote in that e-mail that if there was ever a time she felt bored or down or lonely or stressed out, that she could call me anytime, and I would love to go out and do something with her. (The Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.) She later expressed to me how much she appreciated that e-mail, and how much that meant to her.

For the short rest of that semester, we walked to campus together a number of times, went to a volleyball game or two together, and I took her to a really nice dance. But because I was kind of looking for a girl-friend/boy-friend relationship (which didn’t happen; in fact she got engaged to her boyfriend from home over the end-semester break), I didn’t realize that we had actually come to be fairly good friends. I didn’t really recognize that I felt appreciated by her, that I felt she cared about me, and that for a short while, I had the friendship I has looking for. But I didn’t see it.

I hadn’t realized that a boy and a girl can form the same type of friendship that exists between two girl best-friends or two guy best-friends (like Ben and me), but without the commitments, expectations, problems, misunderstandings, break-ups, etc. that exist in so many girl-friend/boy-friend relationships. It wouldn’t be for nearly two and a half years later before realizing what I had, and before I would gain that kind of friendship again.

How it finally happened . . .

It was the summer of 2000 when I really started learning about true friendship. One day while I was doing some reading, I came across a passage that really struck me: “You don't have the power to make rainbows or waterfalls, sunsets or roses, but you do have the power to bless people by your words and smiles and your sincere interest in them. Think of it—you carry within you the power to make the world better for someone each day!” (Sharon G. Larsen, “Standing with God,” Ensign, May 2000.)

This really got me thinking—thinking about what it means to be a friend. I remembered the experience with Sandra, and I was able to then recognize the friendship that we had. I saw that I was able to make her day better, by getting her a flower, or sending her that nice e-mail, or other such acts of kindness. I was able to capture the vision that I have the ability to be a true friend: to encourage, motivate, love, serve, help, etc. I learned that if I want to have that kind of a friend, I have to be that kind of friend myself. (How can I expect to have that kind of a friend, if I’m not that kind of friend myself? If you want a friend, you have to be one!) And I knew that I could form that kind of friendship, even with a girl; by offering that quality of friendship to another.

It wasn’t long after that when I was able to recognize an opportunity I had, and I knew I had to take advantage of it while it was there. I decided to offer my complete friendship to a girl I had gotten to know, Juliet. To backtrack for a bit, I remember a number of months prior when we were in a kind of a study group together (a BYU home-evening group, if you know what that is), and this one particular evening she said some things, and expressed herself in such a way, that deeply impressed me. I had thought of coming up to her afterward to let her know that I was really touched by and impressed with what she said, and that I really looked up to her. Although I didn’t tell her that evening, it was something I still felt I wanted to do. Well, back to where I was, after having read that passage and pondered about the meaning of friendship, I knew that this would be a perfect opportunity to tell Juliet about how she impressed me that night, and to offer her my full-fledged friendship.

It was the evening of June 7, 2000 when I visited Juliet, and let her know that if she was ever bored, lonely, stressed, in need to talk to someone, if she ever wanted to go out and paint the town red, that I would love to be there for her; that I wanted to be as good and as close of a friend to her as she was willing to accept. (Knowing that she may not have wanted my friendship, or that she maybe already had enough friends and wouldn’t want to bother with me; furthermore, I knew she would be graduating and leaving in two and a half months. But that didn’t stop me; I knew a good friendship for two months would be better than no friendship.)

I was so surprised, and I am still so amazed, to see how open and excited she was about the idea; she immediately accepted my offer of friendship, and we began forming the closest friendship I have ever had. That summer was in many ways the best time of my life; it was awesome to truly be there for her, to encourage and support her during the stressful time of her last several weeks of school and work before moving away. I am so glad I got to get her a flower for when she graduated (she wouldn’t have gotten one, otherwise), among doing many other kind deeds to make the world a better place for her each day. It has been truly wonderful to be a caring, loving friend to her, and she has been such a wonderful friend to me, as well.

But it didn’t stop there. Since she moved away, we’ve been talking over the phone pretty much every week, and our friendship is still growing. Juliet has truly been helping me out big time over the past couple of weeks; I’ve been going through an extremely hard time, but she is doing a miraculous job at providing me with the love and support and encouragement that I need to get through this hard time. I can’t begin to express how thankful and grateful I am for Juliet and our precious friendship.

Still learning . . .

Over these past several months I have also been talking with a good number of other acquaintances about the ins and outs of friendships, such as why friends are so important, how to be a better friend, possible reasons why friendships aren’t formed, ways to find/form friendships, etc. The rest of this page addresses those topics. I’ll probably be jumping around a bit from one idea to another, so bear with me.

I’m sure everyone knows why friends are important, but I’ll mention some ideas/insights that I have learned. I believe it is human nature to feel acceptance, appreciation, care, love, acknowledgement, etc. It’s not enough just to know that they’re accepted/cared for, but that they feel so. One reason people join gangs is so they can have that acceptance in their lives; there are many kids who don’t feel their parents’ or friends’ love, so they join a gang where they can feel accepted. Friendships also provide the moral support, understanding, encouragement, support, and appreciation that I believe are also needed elements of human nature.

As far as how to be a better friend, the Golden Rule really comes in handy here. Think how you would like to be treated by others: how you would love to be treated to icecream once in a while, get invited to go to a movie or party or concert or campout or whatever, have a surprise party thrown for you, etc. By being that kind of friend yourself, you will still be able to have fun doing those activities. Sometimes you just have to take the initiative to get a better friendship going; and by doing these things, your friends will be inspired to do the same. Again, how can you expect your friends to provide that level of fun and support, if you’re not willing to provide such fun and support yourself?

One really important principle with friendships is that it goes both ways; sometimes one treats the other on one occasion, while other times the other treats the first. That’s what makes a friendship: that each of you will put forth the effort to care for the others, to provide enthusiasm and fun for the others. What goes around comes around. And keep in mind that sometimes one friend may not be able to provide the friendship that you desire; and there will be times when you won’t be able to provide the amount of friendship your friend desires; so don’t hold a grudge if you all can’t always put forth the same quality of effort at the same time. Be forgiving, and grateful for the friendship you do have. Don’t let it go sour by pointing accusing fingers. (Although there may be times to talk over problems/concerns, but do just that: talk about it together openly and honestly. That’s one of the coolest things I’ve learned about good solid friendships; you can openly, frankly and freely talk about anything!)

Having talked with others about friendship, I’ve learned a couple of potential reasons why some friendships aren’t formed, or why someone would be afraid to make friends. To explain, I’ll use examples. Okay, we have two potential friends (I’ll use last names so you can envision whichever gender you prefer): Smith and Brown. Smith is in need of a friend, and Brown is somewhat aware of this, but Brown is still very sad from when Brown’s last friend moved away; it was so painful, that Brown is not presently willing to form a friendship with Smith, knowing the Smith may move away, just like Brown’s previous friend. So rather than “lose yet another friend,” Brown would just as soon not become Smith’s friend. Why make new friends if you’re just going to lose them, right? Perhaps this sounds silly, or perhaps it rings true; but even though this is a true situation with true feelings, I don’t think that the fear of losing a new friend should keep anyone from making a new friend, especially if a friend is needed. Yes, it’s sad when you and a friend go separate ways, but it is worth the friendship; and the phrase “friends are forever” is as true as you let it be.

I’ll use the same names for this second example. Smith is in need of a friend. Brown is very willing to be a friend to others. But pretty much every time Brown sees Smith, Smith is talking with someone, or walking with someone (even though that someone is merely an acquaintance). Brown figures that Smith has friends and seems to be doing okay, so Brown doesn’t approach Smith ever. I think this could be a fairly common situation. And perhaps the only way to resolve this is if the person in need of a friend would make known that she/he is wanting a friend.

I know that for me, I was very hesitant or scared to make it known I was looking for a friend. I also didn’t want to have to ask for a friend; I wanted a friend that would care enough about me to come to me and offer me that friendship. But, how could such a friend come to me unless she/he had any idea I was wanting a friend? I have since been more open about looking for friends; what’s wrong with saying you want a friend? Think back in grade school when you were little kids: one kid says to another, “Will you be my friend?” then the other responds, “Okay.” It really can be that easy to make friends. It may not be very often for a friendship formed in this way to become a real close friendship, but I just want to illustrate that it’s okay to ask for a hand of friendship.

As far as forming/finding a friend, I already talked about a number of ways to accomplish that. I think one of the most effective ways is to offer your friendship to someone you feel could be a good friend, like what I did with Sandra and Juliet. Let her/him know that you want to be a friend, that you want to be there for her/him. And you may find it surprising how many people would accept such a hand of friendship. I was quite amazed to learn how willing people really are to be a friend. But please be willing to put forth the effort to get a close friendship started. Remember, it goes both ways. Whenever you give, then you can expect to receive. And when you receive, give.

“You can make more friends in a month by being interested in them than in ten years by trying to get them interested in you.”—Charles I. Allen