IT’S IN THE CARDS

A Tale of Young Daria

by Galen Hardesty

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Daria stared disconsolately out the picture window. The rain continued unabated. Not pouring, but hard enough that Quinn didn’t want to walk the eleven blocks to Lacey’s house in it. Which meant Daria couldn’t curl up in glorious silent solitude in Mom’s armchair with a good book. She held out her Old Maid cards toward Quinn, who drew Betty Bumps. No help. Quinn stuffed Betty into her hand with a sour expression.

Quinn glanced out the window, and her expression soured a bit more. What a rotten way to spend a Saturday! Mandy and Stephanie weren’t home, and she could only talk to Lacey so long on the phone, even faced with Daria and crashing boredom as alternatives. The cable had gone out two hours ago, and she’d seen all the videotapes in the house several times, except for Daria’s documentary messes about asteroids destroying the earth or giant tarantulas or plagues of mice and rabbits in Australia. Yuck! Mom and Dad wouldn’t be home from work for at least three more hours. Turning back to her cards, she scowled in uffish thought for a minute, made an adjustment, and held them out to her sister.

Daria studied the backs of the four cards Quinn was holding out to her. "Awww, isn’t that cute." She thought. "Quinn’s trying reverse psychology on me." The Old Maid card was held a little lower in her hand than the others, as if Quinn didn’t want her to choose it. Daria wondered how long it would taker her sister to get crafty enough to check the card backs for marks.

The Old Maid herself was the only card that Daria had marked. Marking them all would take all the fun out of it. Well, most of the fun. Later, Daria had realized that just marking that one card gave her a nearly unbeatable advantage. Now she tried not to look for the mark, but that was a very hard thing to do. She selected one of the other three cards. It was John Law.

"Come to Mama, Johnny!" She exclaimed, laying down the policeman card and its mate, the only card in her hand. "Guess you’re the Old Maid again, Quinn."

Quinn threw her cards down. "Uuuhhh! You’re the Old Maid, Brainiac! No guy is gonna date a brain, much less marry one! Don’t we have any decent games around here?"

Daria concealed her annoyance. "You mean games you can beat me at? Well, there’s Chutes and Ladders."

"That’s for babies! Come on, brain! Think of something we can do!"

Daria thought, "We can always play mind games. Let’s start off with ‘How stupid is Quinn today?’" Aloud, she said, "Well, this would be a good day to play "Pennies From Heaven."

"How do you play?"

"Hmm, on second thought, maybe we shouldn’t. It’s really a game for older teenagers and young adults. If your friends found out, they’d think you’d been messing around with older boys."

"How do you play?"

"And there’s betting involved. Every player has to ante a penny."

"DARiaaa! How do you play?!"

"Oh, all right. But don’t tell Mom and Dad. First, ante up." Daria took a penny out of her pocket and placed it on the coffee table. Quinn ran back to her room, came back a few seconds later, and clacked down a penny next to Daria’s.

"Now, here’s the adult part. Everybody runs out into the rain, and the first one to get his or her shirt completely soaked wins the pot."

"Whaaat?"

"I told you it was adult." Daria wiggled her eyebrows at Quinn insinuatingly.

Quinn noticed that Daria was slumped awkwardly on the sofa with a book on her lap, and that she, standing, was much closer to the front door than Daria was. "Okay! Readysetgo!" she cried, and dashed out the door.

Outside, Quinn shrieked as the cold rain hit her. She looked back toward the house. Slowpoke Daria wasn’t even out the door yet. The water running off the eaves of the house caught her eye. Of course! She could get wet a lot faster under there! She got under the hardest drip she could find, then started running back and forth under the eaves, leaning back as much as she dared to soak the front of her shirt faster. Daria wouldn’t have a chance! Jeez, she still wasn’t out here!

A horrible suspicion struck Quinn. She stopped in front of the big picture window and looked into the den. Daria was sitting on the sofa, trying unsuccessfully to suppress a grin. She looked out the window and saw Quinn, standing under the eaves getting drenched, and burst out laughing. As Quinn’s look of dawning realization turned to an angry scowl, she laughed twice as hard. Quinn stormed back into the house and squished off down the hall with Daria’s hilarity ringing in her ears.

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When Quinn had gotten dried off and changed, and came back into the den, Daria picked up the two pennies off the coffee table, held them out to her sister and managed to get out, "Here you go, Quinn, you won fair and square!" before she burst out laughing again.

Quinn snatched the pennies and hurled them against the wall, but that only seemed to make Daria laugh harder. Snarling, she sat down before the TV and turned it on. A blast of white noise and a screenful of snow greeted her. "Damn cable! Every time it sprinkles in this stupid town, the cable goes out! Aarrgghhh!" She began beating on the TV.

"Quinn, Quinn!" Daria giggled. "Look on the bright side! You’ll never fall for that one again, and now you can pull it on your little friends!"

Quinn considered this for a moment. "They’ve probably already heard of it."

"I guarantee you they haven’t. I just made it up, just for you."

"You made all that up, just now?"

Daria nodded.

Quinn thought "Why me? She can make up stuff like that on the fly, she’s a total geekburger, she’s bigger than me, and she has to be my sister!" She said, "I still don’t have anything to do now!"

"This is a perfect day to read. I’ll even help you pick out a book."

"I’m not a bookworm geek!" Quinn wished she hadn’t said that. Daria was trying to be nice... sort of. But she wasn’t going to take it back now.

"O-o-okay." Thought Daria. "There are plenty more mind games where that came from." Her eye fell on the deck of Old Maid cards on the table. After a second, an evil little smirk formed on her lips. She stood and pocketed the cards. Quinn wasn’t looking. "I’m going to the little girls’ room. Maybe I’ll think of something." Daria locked the bathroom door, sat down on the toilet lid, and began to stack the deck of fate.

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Ten minutes later, Daria sat on the sofa. Before her, on the other side of the coffee table, Quinn sat on a throw pillow.

"Okay, this first card will say something about what kind of person you are." Daria turned over a card. It was Princess Pea. "Princess Pea says ‘Fetch my carriage and my gown And drive me all around the town.’ This card says you will be popular and admired and used to getting your way, but you may have trouble finding really close friends."

Quinn’s eyes widened. She put her little hands to her cheeks and gasped, somewhat theatrically. "Oh, that is so true! That’s just me all over!"

"The cards know all. Now this next card will say something, not directly about you, but about the first card." Daria turned the card over and slid it sideways partly under the Princess Pea card. It was Art Smart. "Art Smart says ‘I see a world of beauty everywhere I go, and I catch it with my talent to let other people know. I spread color on the canvas with my brush and palette knife And bring a little beauty into everybody’s life.’ This means that Princess Pea is creative and talented. Not necessarily an artist, she could be a writer, a poet, a singer, a dancer, a designer, something like that. You should explore your talents and be open to new ways to express yourself and make others’ lives more beautiful."

"Wow! Right again, Daria! I really am a very creative person!"

Keeping a straight face with difficulty, Daria said, "Thank you. The cards reveal, I merely interpret." She turned the next card. "This card also says something about the first card, rather than about you directly. I see this has to do with Princess Pea’s negative side." She slipped the card partly underneath the left side of the Princess Pea card. "Crabby Appleton says ‘My name is Crabby Appleton. I’m rotten to the core. I do a bad deed every day, and sometimes three or four! A smiling face I hate to see, I think good deeds are sappy. I laugh with glee, it pleases me when everyone’s unhappy!’ Hmm. This means that maybe Princess Pea doesn’t always play well with other children. She would be even more popular and admired if she thought more about others’ feelings and making others happy."

"Ew." Quinn wrinkled her cute turned-up nose at Crabby Appleton. "Well, I guess everybody could stand to work on being nicer to others."

"I’m sure that’s true." Daria said without smirking. "These next three cards will reveal some friends you will meet." Daria laid out a card to the right of Princess Pea.

"Melodia Screech says: ‘Each eye must cry, each heart take wing, Whenever I open my mouth to sing.’ Hmm, I guess she’s either a very good singer or a very bad one." Quinn giggled. "Perhaps this means you attract other talented people to you."

"Next is..." she turned over another card. "Sandy Beachy. Sandy says ‘I am the queen of Golden Beach Whom all desire but none may reach.’ Well, more royalty for Princess Pea to hang out with. Very pretty, too."

Quinn turned up her already turned-up nose at the Sandy Beachy card. "Humph! I’d never hang out with her! She’s obviously very stuck up!"

"The cards do not lie." Daria turned another card. It was the skydiver. "Skyler Godiver says: ‘My movements are graceful, the ladies I please when I float through the air with the greatest of ease.’ Mmm. He’s cute, daring, adventurous, good for a few thrills. But don’t depend on him. He’ll bail out on you."

Quinn gazed somewhat dreamily at the Skyler Godiver card. "Nothing wrong with a few thrills."

Daria squared up the deck. "This next card will tell us something about the great love of your life, the man you will probably marry." She started to turn the card over, then stopped, her face briefly registering surprise and dismay. Quickly placing the card back on the deck, she said, "The cards say to reshuffle here." and prepared to do so.

Quinn prevented Daria from shuffling. "Wait a minute! You’re trying to pull something! Show me my true love!"

Reluctantly, Daria turned the card over. It was the Old Maid. The room brightened, then dimmed, as lightning flashed outside. Quinn gasped and stared at the card, then looked up at Daria, whose pitying expression frightened her even more. "Daria, what does it mean? Tell me!"

"The Old Maid says: ‘I never will marry. I’ll be no man’s wife. I‘m doomed to live single all the days of my life.’" Thunder shook the house. "I’m sorry, Quinn."

Quinn stared at Daria, then at the Old Maid, then at Daria again. Then, valiantly struggling to keep a neutral expression, she rose and walked shakily to the hallway. As soon as she was out of sight, Daria heard the sound of running footsteps and a door whooshing violently closed, then being shut softly at the last split-second.

Smirking a little, Daria sorted through the deck. She knew she’d only bought a few minutes of peace and relative quiet. After thinking for a moment she selected two cards, Bobby Baker and Tilly Tumble, and carefully crimped them just a bit. Placing them in the deck, she picked up The Song of Hiawatha.

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Quinn was back in less than ten minutes. "Daria, what the cards said, is that like, for sure, or is it like, kind of maybe?"

"The future is not set in concrete. It’s, um, kind of like clay that you can shape, if you work at it. What you do now affects your future, for good or bad."

"Could you check and see if my future has changed?"

"Maybe, but not today. To ask for another reading so soon would insult the cards, and you would get a worse result. You must wait for some period of time and do some things first."

"How long? What things?"

"Well, the first thing is always to heed the advice you’ve already received, both to improve your future and to show you appreciate the cards’ help. As for the rest, I shall inquire for you. Shuffle the cards three times and place them on the table." Quinn did so, awkwardly.

"Now I shall cut the deck twice." Daria did so, and held up two blocks of cards, with Tillie Tumble and Bobby Baker showing. "The cards say they’ll give you a tumble if you give bread."

"Huh? What does that mean?"

"You will gain favor for another reading if you part with some money. The amount is up to you, depending on how much favor you want to gain, but I wouldn’t make it less than a dollar, or you might insult the cards."

Quinn went back to her room and returned a minute later with two dollar bills in her hand. "What do I do with the money?" she asked.

"The money is given to the interpreter, unless the cards say otherwise."

"Hey, are you scamming me? Why should I give my money to you?"

"This is how it’s always been done, as far as I know. It’s your money. Do what you think is right." Daria squared up the deck and put her hands in her lap. Quinn glared at her suspiciously, then at the two dollar bills in her hand, then at the cards, then back at Daria. Daria picked up the card box and began to put the cards back into it.

"Oh, all right! Here!" Quinn thrust the bills at Daria, who casually stuck them in her pocket. "Now when can I get another reading?"

"I shall inquire. This is the kind of question that isn’t so easy with Old Maid cards. Shuffle three more times." Daria handed the deck to Quinn again. Quinn shuffled, making a slight mess, then gave the cards back.

Daria took them, stood in the open area in the middle of the den, and threw them up in the air, letting them fall where they would. She looked them over for a minute, then concentrated on several that were touching each other. She studied them closely, moving a finger over them as if counting. Finally she straightened up and said "Two weeks. Two weeks from today I can give you another reading. In the meantime, follow the advice you have and try to make your future better. Work on your creativity and look for ways to make other people happier."

Quinn turned and started for the front door, then stopped and looked out the big window. The rain was still coming down steadily. "Uuuhh! How can I do that when I can’t even get to any other people? The world hates me!" She jiggle-hopped up and down in a manner eloquently expressive of her deep inner torment.

Daria suppressed three killer sarcastic retorts that sprang immediately to her mind. "You can do both those things right here, Quinn. You can design some dresses for your paper dolls or paint a picture. And all you have to do to make me happier is be quiet enough so I can sit here and read my book. I assure you I really do qualify as an ‘other people’. No extra charge for the interpretation."

Quinn thought about this for a couple of seconds, detected no hidden insults or traps, and skipped off to her room. With a start, Daria realized that she’d learned enough in the last half-hour to bring her a comfortable income for life. Starting as soon as she could get her conscience removed. Sighing, she shook her head. She’d have to make sure that Quinn figured out that fortune telling was a scam. But not today.

Daria curled up in the smaller of their two armchairs and adjusted the reading lamp. Opening ‘The Song of Hiawatha’ to the bookmark, she found her place and began to read. As the soft sound of rain on the roof became audible once more in the returning silence, a small smile crept onto her face.

La la LA la la.

I’d like to thank my beta readers: Robert Nowall, NomadX, Dennis, Ben Breeck, Wyvern337, Brother Grimace, Mman, and RedlegRick, for getting me all confused and destroying my self-confidence. But seriously, folks, they were very helpful.

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