Everyone in Lawndale is all excited, as Tommy Sherman, Lawndale’s star quarterback from Trent’s time there, is coming back to Lawndale for the dedication of a new goalpost named after him. The story (which Jane tells her) goes that Sherman was a really great football player, but he insisted on running all of the touchdowns himself, and he could never resist the urge to turn is head and wave to his fans. So, every time, without fail, he wouldn’t see the goal post, and he’d slam right into it. The game before the championship, Sherman, of course, did his signature goalpost crash, but this time, he hit his head unusually hard and fell into a coma. Fortunately, the morning of the championship, he woke up feeling “grrreat”, played with the team, and scored the winning goal. Now, Ms. Li has learned of the new safety breakaway goalposts, and has bought one with funds from the art department.
But when the big day arrives and Sherman gets there, he turns out to be a really arrogant jerk who either propositions or insults everyone he comes across (oh, what a huge surprise) and is immediately abhorred by everyone except Kevin. Daria and Jane try to avoid him, but when Daria finally has to talk to him (to tell him to get off of her locker), he pisses her off and she finally tells him what she thinks of him. He insults her again by calling her a misery chick, but then goes off to make himself hated by someone else, and Daria and Jane agree that people like that aren’t fit to live. At almost that exact moment, Kevin is heard to shriek that Sherman has been killed! Apparently, the goalpost, still in its box, was resting rather precariously against the bleachers and it fell on him and crushed him to death.
Of course, everyone instantly forgets his (many) faults and they all go around talking about what a great guy he was. Only Daria seems unfazed, thus everyone decides that she’s always miserable, so they should ask her for advice on how to deal with their unexpected lapse in their normal total blissful idiocy. While Daria becomes continually more annoyed at this, but still isn’t too sad, as the guy was a complete jerk, Jane gets weirded out and feels guilty that she and Daria wished for Sherman’s death and it happened. She also gets mad that Daria isn’t showing any signs of remorse at all, so she stops talking to her for a while. Daria eventually apologizes to her and the two agree that Daria isn’t a misery chick.
So everything pretty much returns to normal, except that Daria’s now earned a reputation: she can help people with their problems. So Sandi, who feels guilty that her cat ate her makeup and started puking, asks for counseling. Daria charges her ten dollars for some pretty worthless therapy, thus ending her reputation as a healer and getting her money, besides.
~Bridget
