Write Where It Hurts

When Daria has read all of the books on the reading list that Mr. O’Neill gives his students to choose one and do a report on it, he gives her a special assignment instead. Her task is to write a story using people that she knows in real life for characters in it.

This seems an easy enough job until she actually tries to do it. Her first “masterpiece” is written when Jane suggests writing about Kevin and Brittany getting married. This brings on a take of “The Graduate,” in which K&B are saying their vows, but, then, Jane interrupts the ceremony in order to run away with Kevin. (Revenge, perhaps, for Jane’s yenta act?)

Fortunately, that one is quickly trashed, and Daria decides to stick with the mating ritual theme, but go back a few hundred years. So, she writes a Jane Austen-like story in which she and Quinn, dressed in the full regalia of the day, go out for a stroll, talk about marriage, and are met by Trent, Jesse, and the Three J’s, also in “the clothes”. Interestingly enough, Jesse had the same monosyllable vocabulary. The story ends right after the guys are scared off by the mention of marriage, when Quinn and Daria start hugging.

Daria is disgusted with that effort as well, and Helen senses her frustration and tries to help. However, she messes things up even worse when she talks to Daria between taking calls and then compares her to Quinn. Daria storms off and writes a story about her being the favored child, but it, too, turns out pretty stupid.

When Jake’s latest cooking disaster (stew) catches on fire, Daria writes what is probably a take on one of Shakespeare’s plays, in which Jake and Helen are the hag, stirring the witch’s brew, and the knight, trying to get power from the hag.

Daria goes to Mr. O’Neill to ask for help, but he only makes it worse when he thinks that she’s asking him to come up with something for the characters to do. So, he adds to the assignment that there should be a game of cards somehow involved with the plot.

Daria tries the Shakespeare one again, using Jodie and Mack this time. However, when she attempts to incorporate the card game, the story fails miserably.

Helen finally comes through and suggests that Daria write honestly about what she would like to see. This results in a pretty good story set about ten years in the future. When she shows it to her Helen, who starts crying when she reads it.