A word to the wise: Never take expired cold medicine. Learned that the hard way, and this is the result. Emily

***Scene 1***
[The sidewalks of Lawndale. Jane and Daria are walking home from school.]

Daria: All right, I get the plan. But where will you get the solar probe to shackle them to in the first place?

Jane: One of my cousins used to work for NASA. As soon as it’s invented, I’ll just use her security pass to get in, then zoom! they’re off to the sun.

Daria: Sounds good. Now if only we could find-- (a sudden bright light flashes in the nearby trees) What the hell is that?

Jane: I have no idea. But (pulls a camera from her backpack) it looks cool enough to be put into art. It’s got to be better than my last project of what’s growing under Trent’s bed. (leers) You wanna check it out?

Daria: (gives her a Look) The lights, not the fungus.

Jane: You’re right. This could be a Kodak Moment! Let’s roll.

***Scene 2***
[The tree grove. There’s a big flying-saucer-looking thing standing on metal legs in a clearing]

Jane: (snapping pix) This is so cool! If this thing is genuine, we’ll be famous! Think of it Daria, WE could be the next Sick Sad World Special!

Daria: (about as excited as she usually is) This is cool. (a porthole appears in the bottom of the saucer. A ladder lowers to the ground) And this looks like our ticket out of Lawndale.

Jane: I’ve got to go in. Hey, can you take my picture while I climb up the ladder? (Daria obliges) I am so going to get a Pulitzer for these photos! (climbs the ladder)

Daria: Wait for me, oh starry-eyed one. (beat, with Jane oblivious) No comment on the incredibly corny pun? (no answer. Daria rolls her eyes and follows her in)

***Scene 3*** [Inside the ship. The whole thing is metallic, from the floor to the ceiling. There are dials, levers, buttons, and blinking lights everywhere.]

Daria: Off we go, into the wild aluminum yonder…

Jane: I can’t believe I’m actually inside a spaceship! If I don’t get on TV because of this, then I don’t know what the people of America want to see.

Daria: Maybe the being that flew this ship. Speaking of, where is it, or he, or she, or whatever other sex there may be out there.

Metallic robot voice: I am male, Earthlings. I apologize for waiting so long to converse. My Babel fish hasn’t been fed lately.

Daria and Jane: Huh? (look around, but the speaker isn’t visible)

Voice: I give you my thanks for coming. This is my first excursion to Earth, and I have many questions for you inhabitants.

Daria: Wait just a second. Who are you? How do we know that you’re real? And most importantly, what do you want from us?

Voice: You may call me Rut. It is a common word in many languages. I am from the planet Selrach, in the solar system of Heim of your own galaxy. I only wish to know more about your species.

Jane: Gimme back my camera. (Daria hands it to her, and Jane continues to take pix)

Daria: Well, as a whole, the people of Earth are rather dull and stupid but decent. We speak several different languages, which gets confusing, but most people are pretty confused anyw--

Jane: Hold that pose! (snaps pic of Daria with mouth open) That’ll look perfect with the picture of the alien. It’ll look like you’re so amazed, your jaw dropped!

Daria: Will you stop with the damn pictures already! Now, um, Rut, what do you want to know?

Rut: You are both females, correct? (Daria nods) Hmm. Of course my Earthling Tractor Beam attracts only beautiful Earthlings, so I must assume you two are the loveliest females on your planet.

Daria: Um, OK. (whispers) Jane! Quit taking pictures of those deelybobs and pay attention! This is getting weird.

Rut: Since you are the most attractive females of your planet, I would like to photograph your bodies with a device much like your Earth camera. The information would greatly enhance my files of this planet’s-- (Jane, still photographing stuff, sees a removable panel in the wall and opens it)

Jane: YOU LITTLE SNEAK!!!! (she pulls --guess who-- Upchuck out of the wall) This whole thing was a set up?!?

Upchuck: Eep! I, um, was kidnapped! Yeah, I was walking along, and this, um, huge green alien thing jumped out of the bushes and attacked me! It stuffed me into that crawlspace, I swear! (a Yakbak set to ‘robot’ falls out of his pocket)

Daria: Yeah, right. Rut from the planet Heim, better known as a Ruttheimer! You are such a sleaze you don’t deserve to be on this planet in the first place.

Upchuck: Rrrrrowr! You feisty Earth females! Sure I can’t have a nudie pic? (Jane takes the roll of film out of her camera, stuffs it down Upchuck’s throat)

Jane: Never, EVER get my hopes up about being on Sick Sad World! Let’s go.

Daria: And Upchuck? (gagging, he looks at her) If you like your internal organs the way they are, then I suggest that word of this incident does NOT leak out. (gives an extremely evil Daria smirk, then goes down the ladder. Jane follows)

***Scene 4***
[in front of casa Lane]

Jane: (on the doorstep, cussing out Upchuck) That miserable little freaking intestinal worm. I was this close to being on my favorite show. It’ll take something a hell of a lot more impressive than a stalker to cheer me up. That maggoty piece of rotten flyblown dogshit.

Daria: Good one.

Jane: Hey, I’m an artist. It’s my job to be creative at all times, even when swearing. (they go in. Trent is waiting for them)

Trent: Hey Daria, Janey.

Daria: (red-faced) Hey.

Jane: (bummed) Hey.

Trent: You got mail, Janey. It’s from someplace in California.

Jane: Huh? I thought Summer was in Argentina. (opens the envelope, reads) Oh my God. It’s from the Sick Sad World studio! They say my painting won their Insane Unbalanced Art contest! Trent, did you send it in?

Trent: Yeah. I really liked the one of the goo from under my bed. You know, “Fungus Among Us”? I saw the commercial for the contest and figured they’d dig it too. So I sent it in. (a loud thump) Janey? Janey?

Daria: She’s out cold! (gently picks an arm off her boot and lays it on the floor)

Trent: Oh. Don’t worry about it then. She’ll be up in a few hours. I’ll have her call you then. You, um, want me to walk ya home?

Daria: Nah, that’s fine. I think I’ll walk home by a different route. Definitely a different route.

La la LA la la..........

Yes, I know that Selrach is almost backwards for Charles. I planned it that way. So, what did you think of this messed-up story? Let me know at ebischoff@hotmail.com. Comments and criticisms welcome but flamer’s addresses will be sent to every single spam mailing list I can find. Thanx. Emily